Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
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- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
veryblueeyes
Poseidon's Wench
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 28,405
Please no offense... I just thought was funny...
A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small pop quiz around Halloween. "Okay, how many of you have seen a ghost?" About 30% of the class puts their hand up. "Okay, how many of you have actually touched a ghost?" About 10% of the class puts their hand up. "Okay, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" Dead silence, until a little redneck boy in the back row puts up his hand. "You've actually had sex with a ghost?" "Ghost? Oh. I thought you said goat!"
A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small pop quiz around Halloween. "Okay, how many of you have seen a ghost?" About 30% of the class puts their hand up. "Okay, how many of you have actually touched a ghost?" About 10% of the class puts their hand up. "Okay, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" Dead silence, until a little redneck boy in the back row puts up his hand. "You've actually had sex with a ghost?" "Ghost? Oh. I thought you said goat!"
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
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- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
veryblueeyes said:
OK, vbe, I know you are from the south, so, do you admit Tennessee or Kentucky?
veryblueeyes
Poseidon's Wench
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 28,405
redrider4u said:
Sweetie Pie, I am from an island off the coast of North Carolina.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed In the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me For staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the arse and say, "WHO'S HORNY...?!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep!!!!
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
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- 5,991
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
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- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
NaughtyLil1
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 26, 2004
- Posts
- 19,039
BEST SEX IN 50 YEARS
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Prairie Princess
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 6, 2004
- Posts
- 115
Q: What's the difference between a thief and a peeping tom?
A: One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.
A: One snatches watches and the other watches snatches.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Boots
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife:"Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife:"Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Lawn Mower
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sunk in.
Finally, I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband
arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He
was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a
toothbrush.
He said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the sidewalks."
He will be just fine when they take the casts off.
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sunk in.
Finally, I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband
arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He
was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a
toothbrush.
He said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the sidewalks."
He will be just fine when they take the casts off.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Hymn #365
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I
had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I
had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
The Affair
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an
affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the new
golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for
our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an
affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the new
golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for
our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
HMO's
Top Ten Indicators that your Employer has changed to a cheaper HMO:
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from RotoRooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network-charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100%, is embalming.
2. Your Prozac now comes in different colors with little M's on them.
And the number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO:
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Top Ten Indicators that your Employer has changed to a cheaper HMO:
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from RotoRooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network-charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100%, is embalming.
2. Your Prozac now comes in different colors with little M's on them.
And the number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO:
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
Since baseball season is in full swing...here's a joke that requires some thought.
Three elderly ladies snuck a bottle of Jack Daniels into a baseball game. They spiked their pop with shots of the whisky and got quickly plastered. Suddenly, they realized that the bottle was almost empty with alot of innings left in the game. Now, based on that info, what inning is it and how many runners are on base?
(You're gonna hate me!)
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
Three elderly ladies snuck a bottle of Jack Daniels into a baseball game. They spiked their pop with shots of the whisky and got quickly plastered. Suddenly, they realized that the bottle was almost empty with alot of innings left in the game. Now, based on that info, what inning is it and how many runners are on base?
(You're gonna hate me!)
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
alwaysawake said:Since baseball season is in full swing...here's a joke that requires some thought.
Three elderly ladies snuck a bottle of Jack Daniels into a baseball game. They spiked their pop with shots of the whisky and got quickly plastered. Suddenly, they realized that the bottle was almost empty with alot of innings left in the game. Now, based on that info, what inning is it and how many runners are on base?
(You're gonna hate me!)
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
LOLOL We could never hate you,AA!
I thought this was very funny! 
omahaman2
Here's your sign
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2001
- Posts
- 18,171
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !!!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
Wait for it. .
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
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It's coming. .
>>>>
>>>>
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The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
>>>>
>>>>
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She says :>>>
>>>>
>>>>
"You just happened to catch my eye "
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !!!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
Wait for it. .
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
It's coming. .
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
She says :>>>
>>>>
>>>>
"You just happened to catch my eye "
