redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
redrider4u
This pix is for you......
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2002
- Posts
- 5,991
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
+++++
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I
could do to him."
+++++++++++++++++++
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor saying, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He
addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll
stop right here.
+++++
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "
You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and
some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure
if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. [One must assume that
this guy is the one on the milk carton]
++++++
WIFE vs HUSBAND!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
+++++
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I
could do to him."
+++++++++++++++++++
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor saying, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He
addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll
stop right here.
+++++
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "
You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and
some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure
if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. [One must assume that
this guy is the one on the milk carton]
++++++
WIFE vs HUSBAND!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
wanton wonton
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2003
- Posts
- 606
alwaysawake said:Here's one that the ladies may appreciate...
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor." "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was 100 bucks, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be 75 bucks, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well how much do you have? The sailor said that he only had 25 bucks. So I told him for 25 bucks all I can do is service you by hand. He agreed and after getting the finance straight,he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand." "Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge. Then what did you do?" "I loaned him 75 bucks!" she said.
Ha ha ha! Very cute!
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
EVE
Eve's Mate
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that bullshit about the rib?
Eve's Mate
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that bullshit about the rib?
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
His lil secret
His lil snugglefuck
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2004
- Posts
- 14,603
Joey3308 said:
rofl
i'll never look at M&M's the same way again
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Number One Idiot of 2003
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
========================
Number Two Idiot of 2003
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
========================
Number Three Idiot of 2003
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
========================
Number Five Idiot of 2003
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
========================
Idiot Number Six of 2003
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
========================
Idiot Number Seven of 2003
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign.
========================
Idiot Number Eight of 2003
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
Sign please.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
========================
Number Two Idiot of 2003
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
========================
Number Three Idiot of 2003
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
========================
Number Five Idiot of 2003
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
========================
Idiot Number Six of 2003
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
========================
Idiot Number Seven of 2003
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign.
========================
Idiot Number Eight of 2003
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
Sign please.
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Snoring Was Not The Problem!
By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Sign language
>
I was doing yard work after the storm this past weekend
> and Freddie was about to take a shower.
> I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
> I yelled up to her, "Where is the rake?"
> She couldn't hear me so she shouted back, "What?"
> I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
> My wife wasn't sure about what I meant and said, "What?"
> I repeated the gestures. "EYE-KNEE-THE RAKE"
> Freddie nodded that she understood and signaled back.
> She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast,
> then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
> Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to figuring out that one..
> Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
> She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
>
I was doing yard work after the storm this past weekend
> and Freddie was about to take a shower.
> I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
> I yelled up to her, "Where is the rake?"
> She couldn't hear me so she shouted back, "What?"
> I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
> My wife wasn't sure about what I meant and said, "What?"
> I repeated the gestures. "EYE-KNEE-THE RAKE"
> Freddie nodded that she understood and signaled back.
> She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast,
> then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
> Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to figuring out that one..
> Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
> She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up
magazine.
"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
magazine.
"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Subject: Airplane Gripe Sheet
Subject: Gripe Sheet
>
>After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
>conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
>the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
>correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
>the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe
>sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
>and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
>maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and
>the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is
>the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>
>(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
>(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
>
>P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>descent.
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.
>
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're there for.
>
>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.
>
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!
>
>P: Aircraft handles funny.
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.
>
>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
>pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget.
Subject: Gripe Sheet
>
>After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
>conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
>the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
>correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
>the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe
>sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
>and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
>maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and
>the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is
>the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>
>(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
>(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
>
>P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>descent.
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.
>
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're there for.
>
>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.
>
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!
>
>P: Aircraft handles funny.
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.
>
>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
>pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget.
There were two nuns............
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other
one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are
still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most?What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way.He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow
us both,so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail
Marys!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other
one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are
still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most?What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way.He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow
us both,so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail
Marys!
veryblueeyes
Poseidon's Wench
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 28,405
The complaint:.......
Ms.B.Haven; I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases......
The response:---
Dear Penis; After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You must be stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management
Ms.B.Haven; I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases......
The response:---
Dear Penis; After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You must be stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management
veryblueeyes
Poseidon's Wench
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 28,405
For the ladies...
A man and his wife both come home looking glum.. "What's up with you" he says... "Never mind me, what's up with you?" she replies "Well ...I've been laid off". "Oh my god!..... so have I" she says. "What WILL we do?.. we've just taken on this HUGE mortgage!" "Well...there's only one thing for it... you'll have to go on the streets until we get work" says he. "But I've never been a prostitute...how will I know what to do?" she moans. "Don't worry" he says, "I'll be your pimp.....get your girl on and let's go up to Soho". "Now you stand on this street corner and I'll hide in this doorway...if you need help just come and ask". "OK." she says (nervous as hell but slightly excited) A Jaguar draws up and down slides the window...."How much for full sex love?" "Hold a minute" she says.... She hobbles round the corner in her red stilettos, basque and handbag. "This man wants full sex" she whispers to her husband..."how much?" "Tell him $70." replies hubby. She hobbles back to the car...."$70 for full sex Mister." "Good god I can't afford that!.. I've only got $30 on me and I don't get paid 'til Friday....what will I get for $30?" "Hang on a minute." she says and hobbles back round the corner. "He's only got $30.. what can I do for that?" "Oh...a blow job only then" says hubby "and make it quick." She totters back..."a blow job only." "Jeez" says Jaguar man..."still I'm desperate...let's get in the back seat" They get in the back and she undoes his fly.......out pops the BIGGEST one she's ever seen...it's huge! "Oooooh!" she exclaims...."hold on a minute" she says and gets out of the car... She hobbles round the corner and says to her husband..."Couldn't you lend this man $40 until Friday?"
A man and his wife both come home looking glum.. "What's up with you" he says... "Never mind me, what's up with you?" she replies "Well ...I've been laid off". "Oh my god!..... so have I" she says. "What WILL we do?.. we've just taken on this HUGE mortgage!" "Well...there's only one thing for it... you'll have to go on the streets until we get work" says he. "But I've never been a prostitute...how will I know what to do?" she moans. "Don't worry" he says, "I'll be your pimp.....get your girl on and let's go up to Soho". "Now you stand on this street corner and I'll hide in this doorway...if you need help just come and ask". "OK." she says (nervous as hell but slightly excited) A Jaguar draws up and down slides the window...."How much for full sex love?" "Hold a minute" she says.... She hobbles round the corner in her red stilettos, basque and handbag. "This man wants full sex" she whispers to her husband..."how much?" "Tell him $70." replies hubby. She hobbles back to the car...."$70 for full sex Mister." "Good god I can't afford that!.. I've only got $30 on me and I don't get paid 'til Friday....what will I get for $30?" "Hang on a minute." she says and hobbles back round the corner. "He's only got $30.. what can I do for that?" "Oh...a blow job only then" says hubby "and make it quick." She totters back..."a blow job only." "Jeez" says Jaguar man..."still I'm desperate...let's get in the back seat" They get in the back and she undoes his fly.......out pops the BIGGEST one she's ever seen...it's huge! "Oooooh!" she exclaims...."hold on a minute" she says and gets out of the car... She hobbles round the corner and says to her husband..."Couldn't you lend this man $40 until Friday?"
The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
veryblueeyes
Poseidon's Wench
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 28,405
NO offense to GWB supporters... I just thought this was funny...
George Bush chokes on a pretzel and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!" The devil smiled and said... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
George Bush chokes on a pretzel and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this!" The devil smiled and said... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
carrie-on
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2001
- Posts
- 7,010
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES-- $50.00." A policeman,
seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove
the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled."Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night frowned as they took down their sign and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving through town with a large sign on their car
again. Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up to them
when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER--$50.00
their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES-- $50.00." A policeman,
seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove
the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled."Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night frowned as they took down their sign and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving through town with a large sign on their car
again. Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up to them
when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER--$50.00
veryblueeyes
Poseidon's Wench
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 28,405
I thought that was funny too, SaoGuy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my penis is too small" he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the man returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
