Jokes

[biggbear8]

Mississippi Student Absentees.


These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the ( )'s}.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.curlydavid.com/images/MasterCa.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

Crayon colours that didn't make the cuthttp://www.riddleware.com/funny/rejected_crayons.jpg

 

[carrie-on]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

*******************************************************************

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over,touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,isn't it"?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

********************************************************************

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she".

(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton

*************************************************************

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use

a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has

to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.curlydavid.com/images/public.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.curlydavid.com/images/behappy.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.curlydavid.com/images/smellfish.jpg

 

[tonitits]

Bad Day at Work

I don't know if this is true or not, but it sure is funny as heck!

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job ".

 

[tonitits]

Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun. I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test to avoid hiring the Cajun without getting into an argument.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred."

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So when I start?"

 

[TNRkitect2b]

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the
stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

"Little Tommy, who had just turned on his game boy, laid it down slowly, and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[tonitits]

Got this in a email. Thought ya'll might like it, I don't know if you would really consider it a joke or not. However, quite a bit of this is true, ya know ? The movies is definitely correct!

Subject: Bless Your Heart

Subject: Bless Yer Hearts-This is Sooooooooooo True!!!

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most
awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway."
Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an
apple through a picket fence." There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds."
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't
be all that bad. I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new Transplanted Northern friend who was upset
because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it? “said her friend.”A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss.."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from
The North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their
Friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not
swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you
don't.

And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something
Is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off "the light.. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she
can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:

1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

Southern girls always say:
1. "Yes, ma'am."
2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:

1. "Y'all come back! now ya heaah,"
2. "Well, bless your heart."
3. "Drop by when you can."
4. "How's your mother?"
5. "Love your hair."

Southern girls know their three R's!:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody's first name:

1. Honey
2. Darlin'
3. Sugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
1. Hotlanta or Adlanna = (Atlanta as outsiders say)
2. Richmon
3. Challston
4. S'vannah
5. Birminham
6. Nawlins'
7. OH! And that city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:

1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates
G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!

Now you run along, Sugah, and send this to someone else Raised
In The South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be
GRITS. Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".

That reminds me-I have a rubber stamp that says "Just because
Your children were born in the South does not make them Southerners.
After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."
Bless Yer Hearts

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.curlydavid.com/images/blackm.jpg

 

[carrie-on]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before
St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a
big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away
the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Before there was Murphy's Law, there was...

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.

Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Martin's Law of Meteorology: The worse the weather, the more you are
required to be out in it.

Ehrlich's Law: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by
the lowest bidder!

 

[alwaysawake]

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? " No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
a.. First, you have a dirty mind.
b.. Second, you didn't read your homework.
c.. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!

 

[Joey3308]

GOOD ONE AA!


http://www.curlydavid.com/images/lesson.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Dust Cloud

One morning a husband took a pair of new underwear out of the drawer. What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Jo Ann," he hollered into the bathroom, "why
did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's
'Miracle Grow'."

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.wernersplace.com/images/honest_bum.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Doctors office

-----There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
Insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing
the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some Embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is Something wrong
with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor
in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The
receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter

 

[alwaysawake]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

 

[alwaysawake]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

 

[alwaysawake]

A good-OLE-boy staggered home late on New Years Eve after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... .it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Reading test

GOOD SHORT TEST

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is an cat

This is old cat

This is person cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.

~smiles~

 

[Joey3308]

Re: Reading test

GOOD SHORT TEST

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is an cat

This is old cat

This is person cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.

~smiles~

Gee....that made me feel....old

Plus it took a lot more than 40 seconds to do

 

[alwaysawake]

Here's one that the ladies may appreciate...


The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor." "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was 100 bucks, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be 75 bucks, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well how much do you have? The sailor said that he only had 25 bucks. So I told him for 25 bucks all I can do is service you by hand. He agreed and after getting the finance straight,he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand." "Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge. Then what did you do?" "I loaned him 75 bucks!" she said.