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Virus Alert - Do Not Delete!

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it.
Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.



It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your
credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking
on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-800 numbers.



Be Aware: - This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

BEDTIMEs will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.



It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.

** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. **

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.



Send this warning to everyone.

(If you are a blonde, this is a Joke.)
 
Flash

This just in from Texas....

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's
breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys who kicked the living shit out of him.
 
Re: The Dam

Succulent-one said:
Dam Permit :


This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the

Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you

read this guy's response - but read the State's letter before you get to the

response letter.



SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County



Dear Mr. DeVries:



It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental

Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced

parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or

contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction

and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of

Spring Pond.



A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review

of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore,

the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of

Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and

Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being

sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.



The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams

partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at

downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous

and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and

desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a

free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the

stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than

January 31, 2003.



Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so

that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to

comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site

may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We

anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.



Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.



Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative Land and Water Management Division



-----------------------------------------



This is the actual response sent back:



Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.



Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond

to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,

Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process

of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet

stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise

their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call

their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris." I would like to

challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any

time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no

way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness,

their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or

their dam work ethic.



As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they

must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam

activity.



My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate

against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout

this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating

against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I

request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits

that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation

of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and

Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being

sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.



I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers

entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially

destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have

to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that

either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing

flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is

required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers

alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want

the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the

beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any

attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English. In my

humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their

unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and

water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and

enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental

Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources

(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).



So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be

referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until

1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and

there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.



In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real

environmental quality health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears

are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should

be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you

are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are

not careful where they dump!)



Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to

contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your

dam office.



Ryan DeVries
Click to expand...


ROFL
 
What I Want in a Man
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover


What I Want In A Man, REVISED List
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
 
tonitits said:
What I Want in a Man
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover


What I Want In A Man, REVISED List
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
Click to expand...


LOL still laughing!:D :rose:
 
True Love

Three men were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a real nice Harley tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go screw herself."
 
What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your eye and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means
I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means
you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means
not getting up to pee.:D
 
How many calories do we burn during sex?

Sexual Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories
Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.
From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories
Standing
Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories
Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories
The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
While in traction.............................................................124 calories
(very useful during ski season)


Location, Location, Location

On a bar stool....................20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
In a phone booth
Standing.......................14 calories
lying down...................274 calories
On an airliner
Aisle seat....................24 calories
Middle seat.................42 calories
Window seat...............30 calories
In the lavatory.............100 calories
Finding your clothes....................5 calories



Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing........................7 calories
Sliding around................9 calories
Serious Skidding............12 calories
Full cartwheel................20 calories
Whiplash........................27 calories
Knee burn.......................6 calories
Chafed elbows...............5 calories
Chafed nose...................11 calories


Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
Wheezing.........................................................5 calories
Squeals............................................................4 calories
Ecstatic moaning..............................................11 calories
Low growling..................................................8 calories
Squishing.........................................................10 calories
Shouting...........................................................16 calories
Screaming........................................................18 calories
Urgent begging.................................................22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories



Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size............22 calories
Oversize.................15 calories
Tremendous............8 calories
Teensy-weensy.......163 calories


Approaching Orgasm

Letting go..........................................................5 1/2 calories
Controlling yourself.........................................79 calories
Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
Trembling........................................................15 calories
Shaking............................................................20 calories
Shuddering......................................................25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories


Orgasm

Real............27 calories
Faked.........160 calories


Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn't change...............1/2 calorie
Face turned purple........................15 calories
Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
Magical explosions.......................10 calories
Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
Earth moved..................................30 calories
Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories


Pulling Out

After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories


Multiple Orgasms

For woman
2......14 calories
5......30 calories
8......47 calories
Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
For Men
2......21 calories
3......39 calories
4......57 calories
For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.


Special Orgasms

Clitoral...............15 calories
Vaginal...............21 calories
Penile.................21 calories
Scrotile..............15 calories
Rectal................25 calories
Oral...................30 calories


Premature Ejaculation

During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum



Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.

For Woman
Frustration..........................................8 calories
Anger.................................................15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.

For Men
Cursing..............................................10 calories
Apologizing.......................................3 calories
Sniveling..........................................5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories


Recovering

Un-entwining............................................3 calories
Regaining motor control of pelvis.............7 calories
After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories


Trying Again

If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories


Dreaming

Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist


Masturbation

For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outer self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.

Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers..............................................2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................9 calories
Electric............................................5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories


Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories
Not climaxing......................................................20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories


Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories


Getting Caught

By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories

Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed


Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasn't open
Landing................................................1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories
 
Here's a few rude ones...:D

Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A: The sewing machine has just one bobbin.

-------------------------------------------------
Ride'em sister...:D

Two nuns decide to spend their holiday touring France on bicycle. On the first day, they ride for hours through the beautiful countryside, enjoying the green grass and rolling hills, exploring parts of the country they had never seen before. Finally they arrive at a quaint village and, bouncing on their seats, they navigate through the cobbled streets to the center of town. When they stop to rest the first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before."
The second nun replies, "It was the cobblestones!"
 
One for the road....:D

7 WAYS TO TELL A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER

7. The monitor is up on blocks.
6. The six front keys have rotted out.
5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
4. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
3. The password is "Bubba."
2. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
1. The keyboard is camouflaged.
 
Baby Photographer

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."


"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.


"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."


"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?"asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.


"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."


"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."


"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."


"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.


"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."


"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."


"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.


"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.


"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.


"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."


"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.


"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?""That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
 
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!" :D
 
Here's a Major TIme Waster! for those of you who enjoy hitting things ;)

Penguin Batting anyone?

click your mouse to have the penguin jump, then click again to swing... the longest I've manged to get is 316.5. Enjoy!
 
and now for something entirely different....

Next halloween you aren't the only one that can dress up...

yes friends and neighbors, there are now costumes for Mr. Willie!

Showing off the latest in internationaly themed fashions, here is the world renouned model, Long Dong with...

http://www.tnrdgrnr.com/woody/intl/africa.jpg

http://www.tnrdgrnr.com/woody/intl/antartica.jpg

http://www.tnrdgrnr.com/woody/intl/cuba.jpg

http://www.tnrdgrnr.com/woody/intl/egypt.jpg

http://www.tnrdgrnr.com/woody/intl/france.jpg

http://www.tnrdgrnr.com/woody/intl/germany.jpg
 
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