Jokes

[Guest]

If this doesn't give you a giggle nothing will !!

how can you stage this?

 

[tonitits]

Murphy's Rules of Sex

~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger
than them.
~ Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man,
the women he couldn't.
~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back
in the spring but don't say no.
~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't
love her.
~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
~ Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.

 

[tonitits]

Something for the Season:

http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

 

[alwaysawake]

This loses a little bit in the translation, but heard it on the radio today--Bob and Doug McKenzie's 12 Days of Christmas...I absolutely love it! If you can request it at your local radio station--do it...you won't regret it!

The 12 Days Of Christmas - Bob and Doug McKenzie
by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas

(B: Bob D: Doug C: Chorus)

B: OK, good day. This is our Christmas part of the album. You can
play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothin' else to do.
D: Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part.
B: Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on. OK, so good day. This is the
Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get..um...your true love for Christmas.
D: Look out the window!
B: Where? (chuckle) What are ya doin'?!?
D: Snow, hosehead!
B: Well, oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing 'cause it's
Christmastime. Hey, hoser!
D: What?
B: Here's a quiz. (chuckle) Quiz for Doug...
D: OK, I have my "thinking toque" on.
B: Yeah, right. What are the "Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause,
figure it out, right? Christmas is when?
D: Um, the twenty-fifth...
B: Right. And, what's the twenty-fourth...Christmas Eve, right? So..
D: That's two
B: That's two. And, then what's after that? (pause) Boxing Day
D: Wrestling Day
B: Wrestl..get out!
D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
B: That's three. Then, what's after that? Nothin'!
D: New Year's!
B: Four and what's...
D: New Year's Eve?
B: That's five. Where do ya get twelve?
D: Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that's four. So, that's nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days.
(Music starts)
B: OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don't know what to get someone for Christmas.
D: There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck!

(organ starts) By the way, that's ME on the organ.
B: Oh, geez.
D: You start...
B: OK...

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A beer.

D: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: There should be more there, eh?
B: Where? Oh, go!

D: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Four pounds of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: ...in a tree. See, you need more.

B: Oh..fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Five golden toques,
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle necks
B: And a beer...where?
D: (with Bob) In a tree.

B: OK, on the sixth...oo, go!
D: ..Christmas, my true love gave to me,
C: Six...
D: Six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden toques
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. OK.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Seven pack of smokes,
C: Nice gift!
D: Nice gift. Oh...six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden toques.
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. Keep forgetting.
D: Whew! This should just be the "Two Days of Christmas"; it's too hard for us! Go, hoser.

B & D: On the eighth day of Christmas, may true love gave to me,
D: Eight comic books
(Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)
B & D: Seven packs of smokes
Six pack of two-four
B: Five...
C: (catches up) Five golden toques
Four pounds of back-bacon
Three French toast
Two turtle-necks
ALL: And a beer...
B & D: On my tree.
B: Yeah, that beer is empty. OK, day, um...
C: TWELVE!
B: Twelve!
D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve..
(Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in)
ALL: Five golden toques,
Four pounds of back-bacon,
Three French toast
Two turtle-necks
And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
D: Where'd you learn to do that?
B: Um, albums.
D: So, like, that's our song. Merry Christmas...
B: Merry Christmas!
D: And good day!
B: Good day! Ha-happy New Year, too.
D: Shhh!
B: OK, you know what you left out?
D: What?
B: Donuts!
D: Oh, no!
B: I told you to get donuts. Either on the ninth day, or the tenth
day or the eleventh day, but I want donuts!
D: OK, the song's over! Merry Christmas, everybody!
B: ...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts...
D: So,..go out to the stores and get some presents!
B: You could've gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a dozen, you get another one free, and then it'd be thirteen for the "Thirteen Days of Christmas"!
D: Next Christmas, you can get me a chain-saw!
B: Take off!
(As music fades
D: Boy, that song was a beauty. It...it moved me.
B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven".
D: What?

 

[Joey3308]

Now don't fill my PM box with hate mail...I just thought this was funny
http://www.bostonblueyes.com/images/IntelligentDNA.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.bostonblueyes.com/images/19609-1f.jpg

 

[alwaysawake]

Ever wonder where ice cream cones originated??? Take a look at this...

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.bostonblueyes.com/images/Krocshoes1.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.bostonblueyes.com/images/Monica.jpg

 

[Guest]

http://www.imgmag.com/images/jasmine/Bad-Santa.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.imgmag.com/images/jasmine/Bad-Santa.jpg

Geez, and all along I thought it was the litter box that smelled so bad

Good one Jas...mornin

 

[Guest]

Geez, and all along I thought it was the litter box that smelled so bad

Good one Jas...mornin

Morning cutie

Oh !! I'm in the 5%

 

[sexylilmissie]

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... ....you stupid mosquito.

and i bet the dirty minded people (including myself) thought it was something else

 

[Joey3308]

Morning cutie

Oh !! I'm in the 5%

Thats great! And I'm in that rare percentage that likes to share

 

[Guest]

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... ....you stupid mosquito.

and i bet the dirty minded people (including myself) thought it was something else

LOLOL !! that's a good one !!

 

[Guest]

Thats great! And I'm in that rare percentage that likes to share

*sends up a silent prayer of thanks *

 

[Joey3308]

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... ....you stupid mosquito.

and i bet the dirty minded people (including myself) thought it was something else

Lucky bug

 

[sexylilmissie]

wasn't it though

heres another

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

 

[sexylilmissie]

last one at least for now

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in her Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. . "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" . When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. . The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. . "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. . The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" . Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

 

[Joey3308]

last one at least for now

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in her Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. . "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" . When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. . The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. . "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. . The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" . Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Rollin on the floor here

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.bostonblueyes.com/images/cellphones.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped in a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

"There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities. "We even found a donkey inside!"

"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to have been a virgin."

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future."

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers."

The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to Global Warming," commented Al Gore.

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.bostonblueyes.com/images/hstockings.jpg

 

[Guest]

http://www.bostonblueyes.com/images/hstockings.jpg

Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They
may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will
appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts.
Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem
to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look
with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a
prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for
your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- Don't pee on the tree
- Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- Mind your tail when you are near the tree
- If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell
interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them
open
- Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking
hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come
visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but
they also call for some discretion on your part:
- Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- Don't eat off the buffet table
- Beg for goodies subtly
- Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
unless you can get away with it...

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners
will also be important:
- Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
- Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the
house
- Tolerate children
- Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge
from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Mitchell by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but its not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like that school board. Majors and Colonels and such just ride around and frown.They don't bother you none if ya just gives them the fancy wave.

This next part will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boy at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for this Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'4" and weighs near 225 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your ever-lovin' daughter, Gail