Jokes

[tonitits]

Don't know whether this would be considered a joke...this is a modified US Constitution that somebody conjured up. I don't necessarily agree with everything here and don't expect you to, either.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other assorted bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire
them, but nobody is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not
just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be ... and like the rest of us you need to simply deal with it.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing
generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but from the looks of public housing, you are just not
interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't
be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric
chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock
you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big
screen color TV, pool tables, weight rooms or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of part time jobs,
education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness --which by
the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X:
This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from. We welcome you here.. English is our language and like
the one you left behind, we also have a culture. Learn it or go back to the country and the living conditions you were fleeing.

I like that. Thanks for posting it.

 

[biggbear8]

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go

to the bathroom, so she said yes.

When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no

toilet paper so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher

asked,"What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I

open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and

the pricipal asked him,"What do you have in your hand?"

So the little boy said, " A lettle leprechaun

and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was then sent home and his Mom asked him,

"What do you have in your hand?"

So again the little boy said," A little

leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open
your hands NOW!"

And the little boy ! said, "Oh great Mom, now

look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

 

[biggbear8]

A A LOVE WHAT YOU POSTED AND YOU ARE SO RIGHT

THANK YOU A A

 

[biggbear8]

I thank everyone for posting anD reading the jokes

you have brighten my daymore then once and I know others have also enjoy and shared a laugh when they needed one
lets keep them coming, and lets keep the people laughing

THANK YOU ALL .................. THE JOKES AND GIFS AND STORIES ARE GREAT

 

[alwaysawake]

I thought this one had alot of merit...

The pharmacist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".

The lady say's "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh........... I didn't know you had a prescription".

...............................................................

(Not so sure I agree with THIS one!)

French Computers

French, nouns - unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House", in French, is feminine - "la maison".
"Pencil", in French is masculine - "le crayon".
A student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her (older) French dictionary.
Groups were asked if it should be a masculine or feminine noun and give reasons for their recommendation.

The Men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because;
Nobody but their creator understands their internal logic;
-The native language they use to communicate with other computers is stored in longterm memory for possible later retrieval; and
-As soon as you make a commitment to one. You find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
-In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
-They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
-They help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
-As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

 

[biggbear8]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[biggbear8]

A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."

 

[biggbear8]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming

 

[biggbear8]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

 

[biggbear8]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

 

[redrider4u]

>
>
> TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH
> . . .
>
> If you think you're fat, you probably are.
> Don't ask us. We refuse to
> answer.
>
> Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put
> it down.
>
> If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
> girls, don't expect us to
> act like soap opera guys.
>
> Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always
> more attractive than
> short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
> getting married is that
> married women always cut their hair, and by
> then you're stuck with her.
>
> Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are
> not quests to see if we can
>
> find the perfect present yet again!
>
> If you ask a question you don't want an answer
> to, expect an answer you
> don't want to hear.
>
> Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live
> with it. Don't ask us what
>
> we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
> discuss such topics as
> navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
> trucks.
>
> Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
> changing of the tides.
> Let it be.
>
> Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never
> going to think of it that
> way.
>
> When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
> anything you wear is fine.
> Really.
>
> You have enough clothes.
>
> You have too many shoes.
>
> Crying is blackmail.
>
> Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this
> one: Subtle hints don't
> work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious
> hints don't work. Just say
>
> it!
>
> No, we don't know what day it is. We never
> will. Mark anniversaries on
> the calendar.
>
> Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're
> bound to miss sometimes.
>
> Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes
> you think we'd be any
> good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
> would look good with your
> dress?
>
> Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
> almost every question.
>
> Come to us with a problem only if you want help
> solving it. That's what
> we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
> for.
>
> A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
> problem. See a doctor.
>
> Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
>
> Check your oil.
>
> It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
> take the quiz together.
> No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
> Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
> in an argument. All
> comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> If something we said can be interpreted two
> ways, and one of the ways
> makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's
> genetic.
>
> You can either tell us to do something OR tell
> us how to do something,
> but not both.
>
> Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
> to say during
> commercials.
>
> ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a
> fruit, not a color.
>
> If it itches, it will be scratched.
>
> Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for
> you.
>
> If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing,"
> we will act like nothing's
>
> wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not
> worth the hassle.
>
> What the hell is a doily?

 

[redrider4u]

Subject: 5 Questions Most Feared by Men
>
> The 5 questions most feared by men are:
> 1. What are you thinking about?
> 2. Do you love me?
> 3. Do I look fat?
> 4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
> 5. What would you do if I died?
>
> What makes these questions so difficult is that
> every one is guaranteed
> to explode into a major argument if the man
> answers incorrectly
> (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public
> service, each question
> is analyzed below, along with possible
> responses.
> ______________________________________________
> Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
> The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm
> sorry if I've been
> pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a
> warm, wonderful,
> thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are,
> and how lucky I am to
> have met you."
>
> This response obviously bears no resemblance
> to the true answer, which
> most likely is one of the following:
> a. Baseball.
> b. Football.
> c. How fat you are.
> d. How much prettier she is than you.
> e. How I would spend the insurance money if you
> died.
>
> Perhaps the best response to this question was
> offered by Al Bundy, who
> once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I
> was thinking, I would be
> talking to you."
>
>
________________________________________________
> Question # 2: Do you love me?
> The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel
> a more detailed answer is
>
> in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses
> include:
>
> a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
> b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
> c. That depends on what you mean by love.
> d. Does it matter?
> e. Who, me?
>
____________________________________________________
> Question # 3: Do I look fat?
> The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course
> not!" Among the incorrect
> answers are:
>
> a. Compared to what?
> b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not
> exactly thin.
> c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
> d. I've seen fatter.
> e. Could you repeat the question? I was just
> thinking about how I would
> spend the insurance money if you died.
>
____________________________________________________
> Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than
> me?
> Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
> "Of course not!".
> Incorrect responses include:
>
> a. Yes, but you have a better personality
> b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
> c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
> d. Define pretty
> e. Could you repeat the question? I was just
> thinking about how I would
> spend the insurance money if you died.
>
____________________________________________________
> Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
> A definite no-win question. (The real answer,
> of course, is "Buy a
> Corvette and a boat").
>
> No matter how you answer this, be prepared for
> at least an hour of
> follow-up questions, usually along the these
> lines:
>
> WOMAN: Would you get married again?
> MAN: Definitely not!
> WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
> MAN: Of course I do.
> WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
> MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
> WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her
> face)
> MAN: ( makes audible groan )
> WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
> MAN: Where else would we sleep?
> WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
> replace them with pictures of
>
> her?
> MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to
> do.
> WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
> MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
> WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
> MAN: shit.
> >
>

 

[redrider4u]

Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word
was appropriate:

-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come
from?" - Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." -
Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" -
Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" -
Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." -
Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole
in my head!"
- J.F.K.

And the number one most appropriate reason to use
the "f" word....

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill
Clinton

 

[TheOverlord]

roflmao!!!


Very nice.....works as well as the sound file that is about the f-word as well!!

 

[redrider4u]

Mayberry

The missing episode

 

[omahaman2]

Puns

1.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

2.What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

4.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

5.In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.

6.When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.

7.Those, who jump off a Paris bridge, are in Seine.

8.If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9.The short fortune-teller, who escaped from prison, was a small
medium at large.

10.Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A-
flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12.The man, who fell into an upholstery machine, is fully
recovered.

13.Every calendar's days are numbered.

14.A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

15.Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

16.Acupuncture is a jab well done

 

[omahaman2]

man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his
daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the
shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to
the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the
others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes
with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

 

[omahaman2]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several
paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks
away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he
could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and
then make such an obvious error.

He replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

[omahaman2]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack. So, hesays, Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and
go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, Patti explains
that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will
need to secure some collateral against the loan.

She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog
says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly
formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager
and says:

"There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as
collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is
this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack,
Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

 

[omahaman2]

------------------------------------------------
FEMALE PRAYER
------------------------------------------------
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
------------------------------------------------
MALE PRAYER
------------------------------------------------
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

 

[Miles_Cassidy]

http://www.j-j-c.net/dogr.jpg

 

[Icey*Fire]

He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to
put in it."
She said: "You wear pants don't you?"

~~~~~
He said: "Shall we try different positions tonight?'
She said: "That's a good idea. You stand in front of the ironing
board and I will sit on the sofa."

~~~~
He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money
I gave you?"
She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

~~~~
Q: How many honest , caring, intelligent mean in the world does
it take to wash the dishes?"
A: Both of them.

~~~~
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and goodlooking?
A: They already have boyfriends.!

 

[Guest]

He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to
put in it."
She said: "You wear pants don't you?"

~~~~~
He said: "Shall we try different positions tonight?'
She said: "That's a good idea. You stand in front of the ironing
board and I will sit on the sofa."

~~~~
He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money
I gave you?"
She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

~~~~
Q: How many honest , caring, intelligent mean in the world does
it take to wash the dishes?"
A: Both of them.

~~~~
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and goodlooking?
A: They already have boyfriends.!

rofl !!

 

[biggbear8]

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at
2in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting
to
know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans
down
to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm,
this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says,
"You
dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a
redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as
she
does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
state
capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all
of
them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of
Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her
she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe
vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That
was the decision George Washington had to make
before he crossed the Delaware."



SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to
find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported
the
crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby
was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
then sat
down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I
come
home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.

 

[biggbear8]

Women Need Me!

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works.
You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right......."OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." **POOF** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platers of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
**POOF** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.