Jokes

[higherlevel4u]

*lmao* oh higher that made me giggle...though i knew the horse one*L*

Try this one then:


Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[English Lady]

*LOL*


oh yes i liked that one!


OK heres a few from me



Q: What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

A: Oral makes your day and anal makes your hole weak.



How to Impress a Woman

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.

 

[higherlevel4u]

Q: What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral makes your day and anal makes your hole weak.

How to Impress a Woman

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer. [/B]

LOL . . . the last one is so true . . .

What about this one . . .

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting? You should see him make the donuts."

 

[higherlevel4u]

Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's cock hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

 

[~Elizabeth~]

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a
woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though
interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very
picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's
interested,she'll send YOU a drink.............

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
actually,she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be
an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed.
Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens
there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless
waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay!

Ok, considering I fell into several catagories, what does that say? LOL

 

[omahaman2]

Q:Why did the Amish couple get divorced?

A:He was driving her buggy.

 

[higherlevel4u]

Q:Why did the Amish couple get divorced?

A:He was driving her buggy.

LOL . . .

Try this one . . .

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

 

[English Lady]

higher..i loved the donut one but ewww that last one was icky!


what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonkey!!! *LMAO*

 

[higherlevel4u]

higher..i loved the donut one but ewww that last one was icky!


what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonkey!!! *LMAO*

*LOL*

Try this one for size . . .

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

 

[biggbear8]

ROFLMAOPIMP those are great


ill be posting some alittle later

have fun all

 

[biggbear8]

A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day
he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a
mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have
them clipped in the evening."

 

[biggbear8]

just some useless facts I thought everyone might like to know

Today's Useless Fact - Has anyone had sex in space?

Not that we know of, but apparently, it's become a very hot
subject. Rumors, speculations, and outright hoaxes can be found
all over the Internet. One of them claims that the first woman in
space, a Russian cosmonaut named Svetlana Savitskaya, had sex
with one of her two male cotravelers back in 1982. Another,
written to look like it was a government document, purports that
NASA did tests to try out different sexual positions using a
variety of harnesses, grips, and Velcro. There was also
speculation about the first married couple to go into space.
These and other sexual rumors were never supported by evidence
and were denied across the board by the fellow crew members, the
guys who watched the live cams, and the principals themselves.
Add the privacy issue as a formidable obstacle: Most missions
consist of 5 to 7 people in a space that's about the size of a
school bus.

On the other hand, the answer might also depend on what you mean
by sex. We've been talking about two-person sex here. Although
nobody's willing to talk about it much, masturbation has probably
occurred. In fact, according to Apollo 11 astronaut Michael
Collins, mission doctors advised them to engage in the practice
as a way of preventing infections of the prostate gland.

 

[omahaman2]

this cat seems upset LOL

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/animals/images/apissedkitty.jpg

 

[barn888]

this cat seems upset LOL

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/animals/images/apissedkitty.jpg

HAHA! Good one Oman.

 

[LdyBGemini]

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny



Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic. So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!"

 

[barn888]

 

[higherlevel4u]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

 

[English Lady]

*LOL*

3 men standing in front of God

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

 

[cookiejar]

Man Talk...

"I'll be home in an hour."
Don't wait up.

"What do you want for your birthday?"
I hope she likes the Thighmaster.

"Did I forget our anniversary?"
I forgot our anniversary.

"Home"
Where he goes when the bars close.

What's the definition of a bad date?
He excuses himself to call the "little woman."

**********

How can you kill a man?
Put a blonde and a pickup truck in front of him and ask him to choose.

How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's awake.

 

[higherlevel4u]

If the police arrested a Mime Artist, would they say he has the right to remain silent?

 

[LdyBGemini]

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide
to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist...
How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"

 

[biggbear8]

Re: The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide
to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist...
How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"

ROFLMAO

 

[biggbear8]

The Death Of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the
name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm and that life isn't always fair Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, arein charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned
but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not
inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandment became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot, spilled it in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.... He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.

 

[biggbear8]

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...



1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

34. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

35. Don't make 50 rules when 35 will do.

 

[biggbear8]

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says,
"Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"

The man says back to the blind man,
"Look buddy, I'm blond.



The man behind me is a 400-pound
professional wrestler and he is blond.



The bouncer is blond.



The man sitting over to your left is also blond.



Still wanna tell that blond joke?"



The blind man is silent for a moment and then says,



"Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."