Jokes

[rosylady]

Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blond with a short skirt got off.

One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.

The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn't work anymore.

The other one says don't you know how to keep that thing working?

He says no, how do you do that?

The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.

So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread. When he gets up to the checker she tells him don't you know thats going to get hard before you eat all that?

And he says Oh! you've heard about that too!

 

[rosylady]

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/enlarger.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/sheep.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/dicksc.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/ishegone.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

a day at the beach

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/beach.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/oldviag.jpg

 

[barn888]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/oldviag.jpg

HAHAHA! Poor guy.

 

[1sexylady]

figures.....lmao

 

[1sexylady]

ok another...

 

[barn888]

ok another...

HAHAHA!

 

[omahaman2]

The new number 1 movie????????????????


http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/05/bushalmighty.jpg

 

[barn888]

 

[tonitits]

Well I don't think that this is actually a joke, I think it is for real, but pretty funny, pathetic actually!

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
The following are this year's candidates:


1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, TX, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.


2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.


3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.


4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.


5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


6. Kara Walton of Claymont, DE, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the Ladies Room window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.


7. This year's favorite could easily be Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, OK. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R. V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

 

[omahaman2]

MY FAVE BAR HAS GONE REALLY STRANGE
it hired a gynocologist as a pt bartender
he even invented a specialty drink
he mixes pabst blue ribbon beer and smirnoff vodka
calls it a pabst smir

 

[LdyBGemini]

Just a J O K E

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for dinner. As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the
door saying,

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of
nerdy. What do you do for a living?

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from
the computers he is hauling. The waiter says, "OK, truck drivers
are not nerds," and takes his order.

As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a
pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at
least a foot too long. The waiter, without saying a word, pulls out
a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. The truck driver asks him
why he did that.

The waiter said, "Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating
the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a
license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway
patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at
him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in
season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

 

[LdyBGemini]

MY FAVE BAR HAS GONE REALLY STRANGE
it hired a gynocologist as a pt bartender
he even invented a specialty drink
he mixes pabst blue ribbon beer and smirnoff vodka
calls it a pabst smir

Glad I've already seen my GYN this year already lol

 

[biggbear8]

Rectum Stretcher - A great start to the day

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the
hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What? ... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge...."
Bail: $100
Ticket: $95
Look on that cop's face: PRICELESS

 

[biggbear8]

Bitchology



When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love,
they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do
things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in
my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It
means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid.



It means I have the courage and strength to
allow myself to be who I truly am and won't
become anyone else's idea of what
they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is
nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold
within me. You won't succeed. And if
that makes me a bitch, so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it !!!!






B = Babe
I = In
T = Total
C = Control of
H = Herself



B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell
of a Woman



B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/amrage.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/puzbld.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/fsay10.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/fsay13.gif

 

[biggbear8]

http://www.looniebin-of-jokes.com/pics/erzone.jpg