Jokes

[biggbear8]

http://superfunnypics.com/work/0010.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

http://superfunnypics.com/products/0016.jpg

 

[tonitits]

http://superfunnypics.com/work/0006.jpg

technically?

 

[6bodyfun9]

Well it says that I am an artistic type, lol. I couldn't be an artist if my life depended on it! But I like what is said about me. So did anyone else take the test or am I the only kooky one. So guys how about it? What type are you?

I'm a "chest"...practical...with emphasis on pleasing my partner.

 

[6bodyfun9]

The following list of rules apply to each
person as they enter Texas. Know them and learn them.

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look
like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight, it's called a
'gravel road,' I drive a pickup truck because
I need to. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out the hell of the way.

3. We have pigs, cattle, and oil wells;
that's what they smell like to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't
like it? I-10, I-20,and I-30 go east and
west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar
car. We're real impressed. We have quarter
million dollar cotton strippers that we
drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly. Try to understand
the concept.

6. We all started hunting and fishing when
we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi,"
too. We got over it.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of
your hand. You better hope you don't have it
up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads. You
really want sushi and caviar? It's available
at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of
deer season. It's a religious holiday held
the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking
about our women will get you jack-slapped, by
our women.

11. We open doors for women. That applies to
everyone regardless of age.

12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the
menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.

13. When we fill out a table there are three
main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We
use three spices -- salt, pepper, and Tabasco
Sauce!

14. You bring "coke" into my house it better
be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of
it! You bring "hooch" into my house it better
have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail,
dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring "Mary
Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a
glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon,
and a long spoon.

16. High school football is as important here
as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site
more fun to watch.

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into
the water hazards; it spooks the fish.

18. Colleges? Try Texas and Texas A&M. They
come outta there with an education and a love
for God and country, and they wave at passing
pickups when they come home for the holidays.

19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air
Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess
With Texas," If you do it will get your butt
kicked by the best!

20. Our military is only used as a back up.
Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns
at least two firearms and has taken a NRA
Certified Shooter Education Course.

21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston
once said, "Texas can make it without the United
States, but the United States can't make it
without Texas. "

I guess I'm a Texan in my heart then. And as a member of the military (Navy) it would be my honor to protect the ladies of Texas from those "droopy drawered, coke swillin, Lexus drivin', telephone listenin', golf-ball-hittin', vegetarian woosies that do not know how to treat a real lady.

 

[6bodyfun9]

This is an oldie but goody:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know you went three red lights in a row...you could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"

 

[biggbear8]

thank 6bodyfun9

please keep them coming

 

[alwaysawake]

Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a sign of defiance to the West...

International news reporters are saying that this anti-Bush campaign has gone too far.

 

[tonitits]

Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a sign of defiance to the West...

International news reporters are saying that this anti-Bush campaign has gone too far.

ohhhh that's bad AA!

 

[alwaysawake]

ohhhh that's bad AA!

I liked it!!

 

[tonitits]

I liked it!!

I did too, but it was still bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[6bodyfun9]

A short one:

Q: What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus?
A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.

 

[alwaysawake]

Heard this one yesterday from a friend...kinda rude for the guys! LOL

A woman is sitting at a bar sees a man coming up to her and since she hasn’t had any action for a long time she decides to go home with him. At his place, he begins to undress; first he takes off his shirt and shows his huge muscles. He says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousands pounds of dynamite." He then takes off his pants and has huge muscular legs. He then says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousand pounds of dynamite." When he takes off his pants she screams, grabs her bag and runs towards the door. Before she can get out he catches her and asks, "what’s wrong baby?" she then says, "with two-thousand pounds of dynamite and such a small fuse I thought you were about to explode!"

 

[alwaysawake]

One more...

The King and Queen were looking for a husband for their daughter. The king invited 3 men to come to the palace, so he could see if any of them were worthy of the princess. The test was to see if they would sleep with his daughter. To check if they had, he put glitter on the princess's vagina. The next day, he checked each of the men's penises. The first guy had glitter on his and the second guy had glitter on his. The third guy didn't have any glitter on his penis and when the king told him he could marry his daughter, he smiled and there was glitter on his teeth.

 

[biggbear8]

ROFLMAO THOSE WERE GREAT AA PLEASE KEEP MORE COMING

 

[barn888]

Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a sign of defiance to the West...

International news reporters are saying that this anti-Bush campaign has gone too far.

HAHAHAHA!!!!!! Good one AA!

 

[barn888]

 

[alwaysawake]

I kinda liked this one too! LOL

This fireman comes home from work and tells his wife about the bell system they have at the station and proceeds to explain; bell one we slide down the poll. Bell two we get dressed for the fire. Bell three we get on the truck and go. Lets try a system like that when I come home and say bell one you strip and when I say bell two we go to the bedroom and when I say bell three we can be wild the rest of the night. His wife agrees to try. So the next night the husband comes home and yells bell one the wife strips then he yells bell two and they go back to the bedroom, he then yells bell three and they start having sex. Well a few minutes pass and the wife yells bell four. The husband asks what’s bell four and the wife says, “not enough hose to reach the fire.”

 

[alwaysawake]

Aw heck, one more before I go to bed...

There was this woman sitting at a bar and all the guys were looking at her, but finally one had the balls to come up and talk to her. This redneck guy comes up to her and says to her "Ma'am I just like to tell you that you are going home with me tonight." She tells him " I will if you can make a rhyme that is better than mine." Then she starts to recite her rhyme "I sent my Pussy out to sea, can you bring it back to me?" The guy looks at her stunned like. He walks away with shame. Then after a while there is this Cowboy that walks in to the bar and the first thing he does is tell the woman that he would like to take her home with him. She says " I will go home with you under one condition." Curious the man asks what it is. She tells him that she will go home with him if he can make a better rhyme than hers. She recites her verse. "I sent my pussy out to sea, can you bring it back to me?" After a long time of processing the rhyme he tips his hat and proceeds to out rhyme her. He says, " With this hat I'll make a boat. With my balls I'll make it float. With my dick I'll make an Oar and Row your pussy back to shore."

 

[alwaysawake]

Can't resist it...a stupid one--

There were two potatoes sitting on a couch. How can you tell the difference between the slut and the prostitute?

One has a sticker that says I da ho.

 

[tonitits]

Can't resist it...a stupid one--

There were two potatoes sitting on a couch. How can you tell the difference between the slut and the prostitute?

One has a sticker that says I da ho.

goofy, but cute!

 

[tonitits]

Aw heck, one more before I go to bed...

There was this woman sitting at a bar and all the guys were looking at her, but finally one had the balls to come up and talk to her. This redneck guy comes up to her and says to her "Ma'am I just like to tell you that you are going home with me tonight." She tells him " I will if you can make a rhyme that is better than mine." Then she starts to recite her rhyme "I sent my Pussy out to sea, can you bring it back to me?" The guy looks at her stunned like. He walks away with shame. Then after a while there is this Cowboy that walks in to the bar and the first thing he does is tell the woman that he would like to take her home with him. She says " I will go home with you under one condition." Curious the man asks what it is. She tells him that she will go home with him if he can make a better rhyme than hers. She recites her verse. "I sent my pussy out to sea, can you bring it back to me?" After a long time of processing the rhyme he tips his hat and proceeds to out rhyme her. He says, " With this hat I'll make a boat. With my balls I'll make it float. With my dick I'll make an Oar and Row your pussy back to shore."

That one is cute!

 

[wanton wonton]

This is a mild Cajun one

Boudreaux and Marie

Boudreaux and Marie went to the same Church. Marie
went every Sunday and taught Religion class. Boudreaux
went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he
went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those
Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he
noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they
were taking up the collection, Boudreaux leaned
forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go
to dinner at Thibodeaux's next Friday?"
"Yah, Boudreaux, dat would be nice," said Marie.
Well, Boudreaux couldn't believe his luck. All week
long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he
picked up Marie and took her to Thibodeaux's, the
finest restaurant in Mathew. When they sat down,
Boudreaux looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie,
would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Boudreaux," said Marie. "What would I tell my
Religion class?"
Well, Boudreaux was set back a bit, so he didn't say
much until after dinner then he reached in his pocket
and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie,"
said Boudreaux, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Boudreaux," said Marie. "What would I tell my
Religion class?"
Well, Boudreaux was feeling pretty low after that, so
he just got in his Ford and was driving Marie home
when they passed the Mathew Motel. He'd struck out
twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Marie," said Boudreaux, "how would you like to
stop at dis motel wit me?"
"Yah, Boudreaux, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, Boudreaux couldn't believe his luck. He did a
U-turn right then and there across the median and
everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in
with Marie. The next morning Boudreaux got up first.
He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have
I done? What have I done?" thought Boudreaux. He shook
Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one
thing", said Boudreaux. "What are you going to tell
your Religion class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them. You
don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

 

[barn888]

More jokes please, I need the laughs!

 

[rosylady]

A pizza delivery boy rings the doorbell. A beautiful woman with see-thru negligee opens the door and gives the delivery boy a big smile.

She asks him, "Do you like what you see?"

The delivery boy says, "Yyyyyes"

The woman says, "I hear someone coming, get in here and close the door."

When the door was closed the woman opens her negligee and asks the delivery boy, "What part of me do you like best?"

The delivery boy says, "Your ears."

"My ears", the woman says, "but why?"

Well, said the delivery boy, a while ago you said that you heard someone coming. That was me."