Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
Cowboys
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head, no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head, no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
You know you're spending too much time on the computer when:
1. You see something funny and scream,
"LOL, CTFU, ROFL"
2. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
3. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
4. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
5. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
6. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
7. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
8. When someone asks you what you just said, "Scroll up".
9. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
9. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and turn on your computer instead.
10. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
11. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
12. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
13. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
14. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
15. You end your sentences with.....
three or more periods.......
16. You think faster than the computer.
17. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.
18. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
19. You say BRB while on the phone.
20. You are fluent in typo and consider it your second language.
21. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
22. When you decline a real date with a live person cause your cyber boyfriend (whom you've never met) is waiting online for you.
23. When your acrylic nails are shorter then when you had them put on two weeks ago, or you don't even get them done anymore,because acrylics make it hard to type.
24. When you have to clean your keyboard with a Q-tip to dislodge the food particles.
25. When the letters come off your keyboard from excessive use.
26. You go on to "check mail" for 4 hours at a time.
27. You have been late for work because something happened on line
28. You talk about cyber people more than people not on line.
29. You can't talk on the phone without calling them by their screen names.
30. More than 60 percent of your friends are from AOL.
31. Your actual significant other is from AOL, and but never met or only once or twice.
32. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber love.
33. You say you're tired of AOL,yet still sign on faithfully for hours.
34. You talk to your computer screens (with no mic)
35. You use computer lingo at work/ school by accident.
36. The first and last things that you do during the day are online.
38. You cry over things online.
39. You find it impossible to not state what action you are doing. (ie. LMAO @, RME, QQn @)
40. You meet some one you like off line and wish they had a profile for you to read so you can get to know their personality a lit better.
41. Your typing skills improve. You can type better then your secretary at work.
42. You get more mail delivered from your server than your postman.
43. You re-enter a room in your house and say "BACK"
44. You understand the humor in this page because you've committed these acts yourself.
45. You log on and are immediately hit with 10 IM's from people who have you on their buddy list.
46. You constantly find yourself doing things you said you would never do when you first got online.
47. You swore it was impossible to become addicted.
Author Unknown
1. You see something funny and scream,
"LOL, CTFU, ROFL"
2. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
3. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
4. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
5. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
6. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
7. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
8. When someone asks you what you just said, "Scroll up".
9. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
9. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and turn on your computer instead.
10. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
11. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
12. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
13. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
14. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
15. You end your sentences with.....
three or more periods.......
16. You think faster than the computer.
17. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.
18. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
19. You say BRB while on the phone.
20. You are fluent in typo and consider it your second language.
21. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
22. When you decline a real date with a live person cause your cyber boyfriend (whom you've never met) is waiting online for you.
23. When your acrylic nails are shorter then when you had them put on two weeks ago, or you don't even get them done anymore,because acrylics make it hard to type.
24. When you have to clean your keyboard with a Q-tip to dislodge the food particles.
25. When the letters come off your keyboard from excessive use.
26. You go on to "check mail" for 4 hours at a time.
27. You have been late for work because something happened on line
28. You talk about cyber people more than people not on line.
29. You can't talk on the phone without calling them by their screen names.
30. More than 60 percent of your friends are from AOL.
31. Your actual significant other is from AOL, and but never met or only once or twice.
32. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber love.
33. You say you're tired of AOL,yet still sign on faithfully for hours.
34. You talk to your computer screens (with no mic)
35. You use computer lingo at work/ school by accident.
36. The first and last things that you do during the day are online.
38. You cry over things online.
39. You find it impossible to not state what action you are doing. (ie. LMAO @, RME, QQn @)
40. You meet some one you like off line and wish they had a profile for you to read so you can get to know their personality a lit better.
41. Your typing skills improve. You can type better then your secretary at work.
42. You get more mail delivered from your server than your postman.
43. You re-enter a room in your house and say "BACK"
44. You understand the humor in this page because you've committed these acts yourself.
45. You log on and are immediately hit with 10 IM's from people who have you on their buddy list.
46. You constantly find yourself doing things you said you would never do when you first got online.
47. You swore it was impossible to become addicted.
Author Unknown
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
Why I fired my secretary...
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot
that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast, knowing my wife would
be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
But she didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started off to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked in the door, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better -- someone had remembered. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." So off we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had a couple of martinis and enjoyed ourselves tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." I nodded and smiled.. After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and then she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'd like to slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of my closest friends. All were singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat on the couch with nothing on but my socks.
And that is why I fired my secretary.
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot
that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast, knowing my wife would
be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
But she didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started off to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked in the door, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better -- someone had remembered. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." So off we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had a couple of martinis and enjoyed ourselves tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." I nodded and smiled.. After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and then she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'd like to slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of my closest friends. All were singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat on the couch with nothing on but my socks.
And that is why I fired my secretary.
Luvs2tease
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2003
- Posts
- 51
jokes
laughing my ass off now! thanx for the pick me up.I've got some good, but disgusting jokes, if you want to swap a few, let me know.
laughing my ass off now! thanx for the pick me up.I've got some good, but disgusting jokes, if you want to swap a few, let me know.
Chicken Little
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
signs your hungover
* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina
than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue
to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same
reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time
with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the
more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting,
"Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles
around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina
than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue
to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same
reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time
with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the
more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting,
"Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles
around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
And another:
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
And another...
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
==================
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
================
Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
==================
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
================
Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
biggbear8
heart and soul
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 14,049
ITS AN OLDIE BUT STILL WORTH A LAUGH
Subject: Bubba died in a fire
Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, Hmmm, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup," everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Subject: Bubba died in a fire
Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, Hmmm, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup," everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
