Jokes

[mac616n]

Wife and I

Wife and I

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!

 

[mac616n]

Breathalyzer Test

Breathalyzer Test

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

 

[mac616n]

Moving

Moving

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

 

[Succulent-one]

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my Daddy 'cause he sleeps naked!'

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years, so she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown Coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk Goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna
git him! Stay back,' he yelled to all us kids!

He was naked as a jaybird; no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled just like 'an Injun on the snoop.' Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the Coop. As he stared into the darkness with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless when old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack! 'And Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!'

 

[Succulent-one]

A police officer in a small town stopped a
motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his
prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at
his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when
he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

 

[Succulent-one]

Wish I could think so quickly. . . .

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in
their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and
asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'


He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints

 

[GoddessHathor]

Retirement Fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes when we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a Shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then, our bus arrived so we returned home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It is important at our age.

 

[Succulent-one]

Due To Recent Budget Cuts,

And The Rising Cost Of Electricity, Gas And Oil
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel Has Been Turned Off.
We Apologize For The Inconvenience.

 

[smotherman]

Seeing Eye Dogs:


There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Did you know what happened this week back in 1850 (158 years ago)?


1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.



So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women's breasts were real and the men didn't hold hands.

 

[Succulent-one]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:



'Paint my house.'

 

[Succulent-one]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day He'd
been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail. As he stood there brushing
some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of
the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I
just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool,
you're gonna' dance now,' and
started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping
around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double licking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound
and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned
around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

I just love a story with a happy ending

 

[Succulent-one]

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told hi m, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn't wafer me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady ca ught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment nothing to me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, Im looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!

 

[fathom7]

Overheard:

F: So my girlfriend tells me last night what she REALLY wants.

U: Yeah! What was that?

F: She tells me she wants nine inches and she wants it to hurt!

U: WOW! So what did you do?

F: Well, I screwed her three times and slapped her twice.

Night now.

 

[Succulent-one]

Bubba becomes a Catholic....

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.. and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

 

[Succulent-one]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

 

[Stillstiff]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

[Succulent-one]

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.


They failed and it closed.


Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?

 

[Succulent-one]

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
Recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even
Left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic
White cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That's the way
The police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked
Similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the
Big time.'
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the
Burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She
Died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known
As Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was
There too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the
Bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard
Feelings.
Have a nice day.
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!

 

[Succulent-one]

A GENETIC EXPERIMENT GOES AWRY

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day, one of his experiments paid off. He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.

For many years, the dog was happy. But over time, he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression. Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.

 

[Succulent-one]

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.



She responds, 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

 

[Succulent-one]

We wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!


'Twas the night of Thanksgiving
But I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards.
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
The dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might

Tossing and turning
with Anticipation,
The thought of a snack
Became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door
and Gazed at the Fridge
full of Goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey
and Buttered Potatoes,
Pickles and Carrots,
Beans and Tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling
so Plump and so Round
'Til all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.

I crashed thru the ceiling,
Floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding,
and, a Handful of pie

But I managed to yell
as I soared past the trees,
Happy Eating to all,
Pass the Cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your Turkey be Plump
May your potatoes 'n gravy
Have Nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious,
May your Pies take the prize
May Your Thanksgiving Dinner
Stay off of your Thighs!

HAVE A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING

 

[Succulent-one]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbein,' he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.' I pray
for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow
up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'

'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

'Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall'.


Shalom

 

[Succulent-one]

New Girlfriend

A man was laying in bed with
his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the
next hour just scratching his nuts--
something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he
turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

 

[Succulent-one]

THE BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.

A blonde female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

She became annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.