Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting a blow job from a 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing
What are they both thinking?

*
*
*
*
*

Don 't look down. Don 't look down. Don 't look down.

 

[Succulent-one]

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started.

 

[Succulent-one]

It's always good to add to your vocabulary and the understanding of
current events. Today's word is LIQUIDITY.

Definition: Liquidity - when you look at your retirement funds and wet
your pants.

 

[Stillstiff]

It's always good to add to your vocabulary and the understanding of
current events. Today's word is LIQUIDITY.

Definition: Liquidity - when you look at your retirement funds and wet
your pants.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry

 

[Succulent-one]

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota

factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey went

to the Unemployment Office together.

Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher.

I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it

classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300

a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied,

'Diesel fitter...'The clerk looked up diesel fitter.....

and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the

clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment

compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He

stormed back into the office to find out why his friend

and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are

labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.' unskilled

'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da

panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,

'Yah....... DIESEL FITTER.'

 

[Succulent-one]

The Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
Man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
Reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

 

[Succulent-one]

Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one..


A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks..



And from the sky comes a booming voice ......


"Shit, I missed."

 

[Succulent-one]

Have you ever wondered what the difference is
between Grandmothers & Grandfathers?
Well here it is:

A friend,
who worked away from home all week, always made
a special effort with his
family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old
Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time..
Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and
really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue
and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously
ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what?
We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass
anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't
it....

 

[Succulent-one]

C R I S C O



There was an old woman wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am
calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when
we're out in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you are at home?"
"Lard ass."

 

[Succulent-one]

Harley Guy

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't
wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And tells
her not to worry until he gets the tests back. A few days later, the
woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.. She immediately beiges to know
what's causing the spots. The doctor says, You're perfectly
healthy--there' s no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend
that Harley guy in the waiting room? The woman stammers, Why, Yes, but
how did you know?

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

 

[Succulent-one]

A guy went to a psychologist and did the inkblot test. The first one he identified as two women engaged in sex with a man. The second ink blot looked to him like a woman touching her breasts. The third looked like two couples engaged in copulation. Finally the psychologist asked, “Hey, is that all you see is sex in these ink blots?” The man replied, “Hey, don’t look at me. You’re the one with the dirty pictures.”

 

[Succulent-one]

Men have nothing on blondes



A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.


Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.


He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.


Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

 

[LustfulOne50]

Hello my sweet Succulent-one....I just to add to your thread

Subject: Had your pun ration today?



1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain; they named him 'Juan'. The other went to family in Egypt and was named 'Ahmal'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!) 'super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis'.

10. And finally... there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


The ability to Make and Understand Puns Is the Highest Level of Language Development.

 

[Succulent-one]

Two woodpeckers,
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico
arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker
could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican
woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely
'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that
he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,
and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[Succulent-one]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.


Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."

 

[Succulent-one]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence or if I'm getting paranoid, but...



2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia.

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing.

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

It gets worse...

Next year...

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

 

[LustfulOne50]

Good morning Sweet Succulent-one

 

[LustfulOne50]

Another bad lawyer joke

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

 

[scotsmitch2001]

Aman is in bed just about to fall asleep,when there is a knock at the door
"oh my God,who the hell can that be at 2am in the morning!"
his wife tells him to get down and find out.Grumbling he makes his way downstairs and opens the door
There is a guy standing there "Hi' says the guy as he gestures over his shoulder " I need a push and i was wondering if y...."
"Fuck off" shouts the house owner slamming the door in the guys face.He goes back upstairs moaning.His wife asks who it was and he tells her what the guy had wanted.
'Oh gerald" exclaims his wife "dont you remember when we went on our honeymoon?and we ran out of gas,we would have been stranded in the middle of nowhere if that farmer hadnt came along and gave us a push..remember?'
"Ok Ok " the guy gets out of bed ,runs downstairs .He opens the door and runs out,it is pitch black and he cant see a thing.
"are you still here?" he shouts "where are you?"
"Im over here on the swing" comes the reply "you come to give me a push?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down..

Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

 

[water_side]

I went to the doctor's the other day and he told me I'd got hypochondria. I said : "Oh no. Not that as well!"

 

[Succulent-one]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines..

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[whalee]

Like those up there....

 

[Succulent-one]

Ed & Dorothy

.

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her .
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.


Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums.


Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.


Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails
and waiting for their salad,


Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to
the next stage.


So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you,


I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going
to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but,
since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh, wow! I see," Ed replied.


He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought, then he added,


"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."