Jokes

[Succulent-one]

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------- ------- --------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
---------------------- -------- ----------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service to night, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------- ------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
Last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

 

[Succulent-one]

You heard about the highway construction company that needed someone to paint the yellow stripe down the middle of a section of highway they had just completed.

A blonde heard about it, needed to work, went and filled out an application. She was hired on the spot.

The first day she painted 10 miles. The second day, 5 miles. The third day, 2 miles.

The supervisor called her in the next morning and asked if she could give an explanation of what was going on.

"Certainly, sir", she responded, "I'm getting further and further away from my bucket of paint".

 

[Succulent-one]

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold anymore so it started filling up the rest of me.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!!

 

[Succulent-one]

A manager at Wal-Mart had
the task of hiring someone

to fill a job opening.








After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four

people who were equally qualified. He decided to call

the four in and ask them only one question. style='color:#1F497D'>




Their answer would determine which

of them would get the job.



The day came and as the four sat around the conference

room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the

fastest thing you know of?



Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man

replied, 'A THOUGHT.'

It just pops into your head. There's no warning.



'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.



And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink!

It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever

happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'



'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an

eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then

turned to the third man, who was contemplating his

reply.



'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the

house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you

flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light

on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think

of'



The interviewer was very impressed with the third

answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to

beat the speed of light,' he said.



Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the

interviewer posed the same question.



Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three

Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing

known is DIARRHEA.'



'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the

response.



'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I

wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom,

but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,

I had already shit my pants.'



BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

 

[whalee]

i think I saw Bubba the other day makin' a bee line for the bathroom, yellin' "Welcome ya'll. Be right Back!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go play golf, so he
approaches his assistant.
'Seamus, I am going golfing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic,' he
says. 'I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Seamus.
The doctor goes golfing, returns the following day and asks, 'So, Seamus,
how was your day?'
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache, so I gave him Tylenol.'
'Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,' says
Seamus.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this And what about the third one?' asks the
doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into
the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of
clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She
spreads her legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since
I've seen a man!'
'Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.' *

 

[Succulent-one]

Winning job interview questions

Do you require me to be on time on a regular basis?

So, what job am I interviewing for, anyway?

Which drugs do you test for?

I don’t think I want to work that hard, do you have anything easier?

Q: Why do you want to work here? A: My mother told me I had to get out of the house (applicant was 35 years old).

An applicant asked to limit her interview to 20 minutes because she couldn’t miss a TV show that was starting in half an hour.

An applicant asked if they could receive a reminder call on the morning of the interview so they would remember to come to the interview.

One applicant asked if it would be OK for them to take the second week on the job off, so they could go to an interview with another company.

Q: How long are you willing to commit to this job? A: I could probably last a couple of years before I felt like stabbing someone.

When quoted the rate of pay for a position, an applicant said they wanted to be paid less because they didn’t want us to expect that much from him.

During an interview, the applicant answered their cell phone in order to set up another interview.

One applicant reported with an open can of beer in hand, they were very relaxed during the interview.

An applicant wanted to demonstrate how he had handled a difficult customer in the past, by wrestling the hiring manager.

The applicant said they had enjoyed the interview so much that they wanted to have a group hug.

 

[Succulent-one]

The Bureaucrat and the Rancher

A County Bureau of Water Resource Agent visited a local ranch to do a routine Surprise Inspection of his water use. The old rancher saw the visitor arrive and slowly walked over the greet the visitor and was immediately told it was a CBWR visit to conduct a surprise inspection of the rachers water use to confirm he was within his allocation.

The old rancher said, "that's perfectly ok, but whatever you do don't go into that small pasture behind the barn." The Agent responded abruptly, "I am a Government Agent Sir and I have the authority to inspect your entire property if I so choose." The agent then pulled his Beaureu of Water Resource identification card out and stuck in the elderly mans face just to make sure the old man understood just how important he was. "I have the authority to go anywhere I feel I need to in order to determine your compliance. Now then, do you have any questions," the agent concluded.

The old rancher nodded hsi head politely sweeping his arm in a low slow semi-circle, "you're right, take a look whereever you feel you need to," he responded and slowly turned to return to his barn.

It wasn't long after that the old rancher heard the agent sceaming for his life. Knowing exactly what was going on the old man rushed to the back barn door and began shouting at the top of his lungs, "YOUR CARD, YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD," and watched with a humble grin as his young prize bull chased the agent across the field.

 

[Succulent-one]

Arizona Quarter recall





Hang on to any of the new Arizona Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Arizona quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Arizona quarter which was designed by a team of Mexican professors at ASU. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

 

[Succulent-one]

BAPTIST DINNER FOR EIGHT

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the
house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo
all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but,
mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
gave Ole' Spot's (the yard dog) a
double handful.

Ole' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the
wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town
to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10
and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in
and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs.
Williams, Ole' Spot just died'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the
doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into
the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the
last one
was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be
fine now.' Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and
about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow
that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped!'

 

[Succulent-one]

Fishing Trip


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown."

 

[Succulent-one]

Subject: "13....13....13"

I was walking past the mental hospital the other
day, and all the
patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The
fence was too high to see
over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I
looked through to see
what was going on.....


Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting
'14....14....14'...

 

[pleasantville]

How is Hillary Clinton like a man with 10 kids?



Neither one of them know when to pull out!

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Ripped off from Graham Norton show


"Why can no man please a woman?"



Because no man has a cock made of chocolate that ejaculates money

 

[Succulent-one]

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....


For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.


When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones at Dell giving technical advice.

 

[Succulent-one]

An actual letter to the passport office
Dear Sir,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate fucking Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 . I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA !

 

[Succulent-one]

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi River.

 

[Succulent-one]

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys,

all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down

and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up,

and see nothing but assholes.

 

[Succulent-one]

Old people have problems

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.



The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

"

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.



Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.



We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open

 

[Succulent-one]

Big Feet Mean a big ????
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with
big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you
come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with
him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, m a'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that
fit.'

 

[Succulent-one]

Need Help?

I saw a billboard sign that said:

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower

 

[Succulent-one]

Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that kids can use in real-world situations!



NAME____________________ GANG NAME______________ CRIB_________________



1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?



2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?



3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne 's $800 per day crack habit?



4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought or $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?



5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?



6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?



7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?



8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?



9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?



10. Marvin steals Juan 's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

 

[Succulent-one]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER OR GRAND-DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND A HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi ; State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

 

[Succulent-one]

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. The
Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room ,which is still under construction.


The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.


The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.


The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.


The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.


The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.


The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.


The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.


The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.


The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go
back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.


The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with
shotgun gallery.


The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.


The Supremes Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.


The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican
Senators.


The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board,
dice, coins, and straws.

The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the
President's accomplishments.

 

[Succulent-one]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST

COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT

THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE...



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.



I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you because I was pissed.



I thought that I could love no other --

That is until I met your brother.



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,

and so are you.

But the Roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.



I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!



My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?



What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.