Jokes
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Succulent-one
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ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
AND ... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies!
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
AND ... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies!
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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The Cannibal
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one ? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one ? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
Succulent-one
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When
The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided
to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was
delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God,
which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those
assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When
The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided
to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was
delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God,
which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those
assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said"I have a praise.
Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
She continued"Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation.
They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued"Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said"Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the Word is STERNUM."
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said"I have a praise.
Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
She continued"Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation.
They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued"Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said"Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the Word is STERNUM."
smotherman
Ass-phyxiation
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The following real court exchanges.Everything that is said in court is recorded by court reporters, who have compiled the following collection of hilarious conversations!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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Lutran Air
This is for you vhether you're Lutran, Catolik, Babtis, Methdis, or nun of dem!
ANNOUNCEMENT:
VE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTRAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUT AIRPORT. YA SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, IOVAY, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience. Der is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
Meals are potluck.
Rows 1-6, bring rolls;
7-15, bring a salad;
16-21, hot dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by free vill-offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.
Pay attention now to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you vit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.
"Okay den, listen up you guys. I'm only gonna say dis vonce.. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably mean da Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger
tings to vorry about den dat.
Yust stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest vit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a vhile you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and yust hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive doze who sin against us, vhich some people say 'trespass against us', vhich isn't right, but vut can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, vhich is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da vazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mout on da side of your head.
Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot up front . Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you vhen you go or I am going to be real upset and
I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace:
"Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost,
may we land in Dulut or somewere pretty close.
Amen!"
LUTRAN AIR
This is for you vhether you're Lutran, Catolik, Babtis, Methdis, or nun of dem!
ANNOUNCEMENT:
VE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTRAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUT AIRPORT. YA SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, IOVAY, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience. Der is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
Meals are potluck.
Rows 1-6, bring rolls;
7-15, bring a salad;
16-21, hot dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by free vill-offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.
Pay attention now to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you vit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.
"Okay den, listen up you guys. I'm only gonna say dis vonce.. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably mean da Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger
tings to vorry about den dat.
Yust stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest vit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a vhile you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and yust hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive doze who sin against us, vhich some people say 'trespass against us', vhich isn't right, but vut can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, vhich is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da vazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mout on da side of your head.
Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot up front . Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you vhen you go or I am going to be real upset and
I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace:
"Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost,
may we land in Dulut or somewere pretty close.
Amen!"
LUTRAN AIR
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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A 3 YEAR OLD
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
....Mothers know!!
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
....Mothers know!!
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
High and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the
Counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which
He places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece
By Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:
"Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
Beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just
One wish...each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
Million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
Another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
Ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
Little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12-inch
Pianist?"
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
High and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the
Counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which
He places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece
By Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:
"Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
Beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just
One wish...each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
Million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
Another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
Ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
Little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12-inch
Pianist?"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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Baptizing the Drunk ...
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when
he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He inadvertently stumbles into the water and subsequently
bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks
the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Why Not." So the preacher
grabs him and dunks him in the water face first.
He pulls him up seconds later and asks,
"Brother,, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't yet."
The preacher shocked at the answer, grabs the drunk
and shoves him head long into the holding him under
for nearly 10 seconds,,,, then pulls him up and asks,
"Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found him."
The preacher is beside himself and shoves the
drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down
until the drunk begins to kick.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of
God brother, tell you you've found Jesus"
The drunk wipes his eyes. catches his breath and says
to the preacher pleadingly,
*
*
*
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when
he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He inadvertently stumbles into the water and subsequently
bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks
the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Why Not." So the preacher
grabs him and dunks him in the water face first.
He pulls him up seconds later and asks,
"Brother,, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't yet."
The preacher shocked at the answer, grabs the drunk
and shoves him head long into the holding him under
for nearly 10 seconds,,,, then pulls him up and asks,
"Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found him."
The preacher is beside himself and shoves the
drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down
until the drunk begins to kick.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of
God brother, tell you you've found Jesus"
The drunk wipes his eyes. catches his breath and says
to the preacher pleadingly,
*
*
*
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on thisbike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters
who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four:
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark, $1.00. Knowing where to put it $49,999.00."
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineer s?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Six:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. " Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:
Normal people believe that ....if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
eatures yet."-Scott Adams, The Dilbert P rinciple
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." The others asked, "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, ----- but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters
who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four:
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark, $1.00. Knowing where to put it $49,999.00."
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineer s?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Six:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. " Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:
Normal people believe that ....if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
eatures yet."-Scott Adams, The Dilbert P rinciple
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." The others asked, "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, ----- but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Succulent-one
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw ! the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw ! the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
LustfulOne50
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Hello Succulent-one 
keep up the good funnies
keep up the good funnies
Succulent-one
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A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes in all over his face saying, 'Mom,look, I'm a white boy.' His mom slaps him in the face and says, 'Go show your father.'
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, 'Look dad, I'm a white boy.'
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, 'Go show your grandmother.'
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says, 'Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy.' His grandmother slaps him in the face and send him back to his mother.
His mother says, 'See. Did you learn anything from that?' To which the boy replies, 'Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.'
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, 'Look dad, I'm a white boy.'
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, 'Go show your grandmother.'
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says, 'Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy.' His grandmother slaps him in the face and send him back to his mother.
His mother says, 'See. Did you learn anything from that?' To which the boy replies, 'Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.'
Succulent-one
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Do you think he'll jump?
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM . He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.< BR>
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM . He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.< BR>
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
Succulent-one
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Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.' 'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-pa tter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!' 'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.' So out I came, dripping wet and b utt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. 'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.' 'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-pa tter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!' 'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.' So out I came, dripping wet and b utt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. 'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Succulent-one
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If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this...
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Succulent-one
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A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
The Outhouse Incident
The Outhouse Incident
Stascz and Janos went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Stascz had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.
Janos waited for Stascz...and waited, and waited. Finally, he looked inside and saw Stascz stirring around in the outhouse muck with a long stick.
"Stascz, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?" he yells.
"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains.
"It's the one my momma gave me," Janos shakes his head.
"You're crazy--you not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"
"Hell no," Stascz assures him, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"
The Outhouse Incident
Stascz and Janos went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Stascz had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.
Janos waited for Stascz...and waited, and waited. Finally, he looked inside and saw Stascz stirring around in the outhouse muck with a long stick.
"Stascz, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?" he yells.
"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains.
"It's the one my momma gave me," Janos shakes his head.
"You're crazy--you not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"
"Hell no," Stascz assures him, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"
Succulent-one
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Government Rebate
Recently, the Administration said each one of us would get $300. It was
supposed to be $800 but they dropped it to a $300 tax rebate...There are other amounts depending on individual circumstances.....
HOWEVER If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is to buy beer, spend it on prostitution, or play golf since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.!
Your cooperation will be appreciated.
Recently, the Administration said each one of us would get $300. It was
supposed to be $800 but they dropped it to a $300 tax rebate...There are other amounts depending on individual circumstances.....
HOWEVER If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is to buy beer, spend it on prostitution, or play golf since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.!
Your cooperation will be appreciated.
Succulent-one
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The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone
else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out
your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and
purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone
else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out
your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and
purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
Succulent-one
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- Jul 17, 2003
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- 4,656
New Blonde Joke
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful blond. The puzzled blond kept looking
at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from
her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt
as much as tennis elbow?"
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful blond. The puzzled blond kept looking
at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from
her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt
as much as tennis elbow?"
Tax Time
Tax Time
Income tax filing creates so many dilemmas ....
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What's your occupation?'
'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ' Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a call girl?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken farmer it is.'
Tax Time
Income tax filing creates so many dilemmas ....
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What's your occupation?'
'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ' Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a call girl?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken farmer it is.'
