wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty
years, but he will kill any man who does.
----------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
----------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
opponent.
----------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
----------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
----------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
----------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock
in
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
----------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve
your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
----------------------------------------------------------
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink
has
killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking
has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed
millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it
that kills the people who live right?
years, but he will kill any man who does.
----------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
----------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
opponent.
----------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
----------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
----------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
----------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock
in
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
----------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve
your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
----------------------------------------------------------
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink
has
killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking
has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed
millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it
that kills the people who live right?
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A Texan named Lyndon Johnson died and ascended
into Heaven.
St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You
will certainly enjoy Paradise."
The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always
thought that TEXAS was Paradise."
St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we
have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that
had a beautiful river flowing through it with
wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this
beautiful?" said St. Peter.
The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the
area around SAN ANTONIO."
Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another
area where there were rolling hills, whitetail
deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush every-
where. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen
anything so wonderful?"
The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful
but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL
COUNTRY in the springtime."
Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the
Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle
waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen
anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never
been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".
At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a
large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge
iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they
stepped into an elevator and started going down.
As they descended, it grew more and more hot.
When the elevator door opened, it revealed the
fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now,
have you got anything in Texas that can top
that?"
The Texan thought a moment and shook his head.
"No, but I know a couple of old boys from a company
called Halliburton that can put that thing out for you."
(Wrong, its the legendary Red Adair!)
into Heaven.
St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You
will certainly enjoy Paradise."
The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always
thought that TEXAS was Paradise."
St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we
have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that
had a beautiful river flowing through it with
wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this
beautiful?" said St. Peter.
The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the
area around SAN ANTONIO."
Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another
area where there were rolling hills, whitetail
deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush every-
where. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen
anything so wonderful?"
The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful
but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL
COUNTRY in the springtime."
Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the
Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle
waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen
anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never
been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".
At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a
large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge
iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they
stepped into an elevator and started going down.
As they descended, it grew more and more hot.
When the elevator door opened, it revealed the
fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now,
have you got anything in Texas that can top
that?"
The Texan thought a moment and shook his head.
"No, but I know a couple of old boys from a company
called Halliburton that can put that thing out for you."
(Wrong, its the legendary Red Adair!)
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Date
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do
that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your
date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give
her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you
get!"
So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long,
passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her
fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do
that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your
date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give
her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you
get!"
So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long,
passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her
fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A lone American soldier is riding on a crowded London train. He
walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees
an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.
The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your
lap so that I can sit down?". The English woman replies: "Young
man, don't bother us, go away."
The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through
the train and still can't find a seat.
He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again:
"Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please
let me sit down." The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you
to go away and don't bother us, if you don't get out of here right
now I'll call the conductor to remove you".
By now the American was quite perturbed so he took one more walk
around the train, couldn't find a seat, so he finally came back and
threw the poodle right out of the train window.
All this time an English gentleman has been peering over his
newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American
soldier and the English woman.
The Englishman says:" You know, you Americans are quite strange.
First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use
the wrong currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the
window. "
walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees
an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.
The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your
lap so that I can sit down?". The English woman replies: "Young
man, don't bother us, go away."
The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through
the train and still can't find a seat.
He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again:
"Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please
let me sit down." The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you
to go away and don't bother us, if you don't get out of here right
now I'll call the conductor to remove you".
By now the American was quite perturbed so he took one more walk
around the train, couldn't find a seat, so he finally came back and
threw the poodle right out of the train window.
All this time an English gentleman has been peering over his
newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American
soldier and the English woman.
The Englishman says:" You know, you Americans are quite strange.
First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use
the wrong currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the
window. "
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Manners Maketh Man?
In the north of England lived a man, poorly
educated, who made a large fortune by selling his
design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set
about realising his childhood ambition to become a
country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near
the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of
some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in
his family had ever dreamed of.
Foremost of these servants was his butler,
Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in
every way he could to better himself. The master would
often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to
explain a new term.
One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves
in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"
"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.'
I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently
when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend?
And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord
Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?
"And do you further remember how later, at
breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your
prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and
I dropped the marmalade?
"That, Sir, was a faux pas."
In the north of England lived a man, poorly
educated, who made a large fortune by selling his
design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set
about realising his childhood ambition to become a
country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near
the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of
some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in
his family had ever dreamed of.
Foremost of these servants was his butler,
Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in
every way he could to better himself. The master would
often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to
explain a new term.
One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves
in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"
"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.'
I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently
when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend?
And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord
Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?
"And do you further remember how later, at
breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your
prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and
I dropped the marmalade?
"That, Sir, was a faux pas."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A 60 year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that
Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.
'Nope,' replied Jimmy.
'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'
Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'
'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.
'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of
me.'
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the
bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, 'What do
you want now?'
'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.
'Fine,' his father said. 'Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.'
Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.
'Nope,' replied Jimmy.
'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'
Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'
'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.
'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of
me.'
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the
bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, 'What do
you want now?'
'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.
'Fine,' his father said. 'Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.'
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced
gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of
assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released
her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her
bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability
to
satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an
aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it
seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one
heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she
met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew
it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want
more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced
gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of
assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released
her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her
bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability
to
satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an
aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it
seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one
heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she
met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew
it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want
more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Retirement
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an
elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in
the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys,
etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter
who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he
said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four
cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and
stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've
been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes,
that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without
a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and
feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost
for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations
on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount
price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room,
free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help
you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize
for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to
ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you
want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.
ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the
side --
at no charge
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an
elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in
the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys,
etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter
who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he
said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four
cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and
stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've
been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes,
that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without
a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and
feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost
for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations
on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount
price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room,
free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help
you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize
for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to
ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you
want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.
ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the
side --
at no charge
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Marriage Counseling
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a
marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up
their
quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know
the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your
property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give
him
half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom
and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three
children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then
he came
up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your
fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I
depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a
marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up
their
quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know
the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your
property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give
him
half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom
and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three
children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then
he came
up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your
fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I
depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
charmed1
Lucky
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2003
- Posts
- 15,523
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
charmed1
Lucky
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2003
- Posts
- 15,523
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he
wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that
he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You
can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can
sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would
prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there
he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who
are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
----------------------
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend
all about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a
drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse
who gave you coffee. Then there was the head nurse.
wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that
he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You
can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can
sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would
prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there
he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who
are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
----------------------
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend
all about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a
drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse
who gave you coffee. Then there was the head nurse.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her mother: "I've won the election, you've got to come to the Inauguration!" "I don't know, what would I wear?" "Don't worry, Christian Dior is designing a dress just for you." "But I only eat kosher food." "The Rabbinical Assembly is sending a mashgiach to kosher the entire White House." "But how will I get there?" "I'll send Air Force One to pick you up." "But where will I sleep?" "You will sleep in the Lincoln Room and I'm having a mikvah built just for you." "OK, OK, if it makes you happy, I'll come." The great day comes and Mama is seated between Trent Lott and Chairman Hastert on the West Front of the Capitol. Mama nudges the Senator and says; "See that girl up there with her hand on the bible?" Senator Lott says, "Yes." "Her brother is a doctor."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
"Dear Boss"
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your
team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill
the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be
escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to
handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take
a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to
dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great
White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored
guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation
of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a
special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come
up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water
crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked
to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you
to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to
hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby
Hand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your
team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill
the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be
escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to
handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take
a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to
dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great
White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored
guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation
of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a
special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come
up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water
crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked
to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you
to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to
hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby
Hand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
