Jokes
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wally2450
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CaptainKirk
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Okay, I've got to post one my brother told me:
Two bikers and their gals were riding down the road. Went it got dark, they pulled over into a motel for the night.
Before going to their rooms, the first biker bets the second biker, "I can fuck my girl tonight more times than you can fuck yours. Twenty bucks?"
The second biker shakes on it and says, "You're on!"
The first biker fucks his gal at 10 PM, midnight, and 1:30 AM, so he puts three marks on the wall above the bed before going to sleep.
The next morning, the second biker goes into his pal's room to get him up and ready for the road. He sees him lying on the bed, still half asleep, sees the marks on the wall, and yells, "111?"
The second biker reaches in his pocket, pulls out and throws a twenty dollar bill at his friend and whines,
"God damn it! You beat me by four!"
Two bikers and their gals were riding down the road. Went it got dark, they pulled over into a motel for the night.
Before going to their rooms, the first biker bets the second biker, "I can fuck my girl tonight more times than you can fuck yours. Twenty bucks?"
The second biker shakes on it and says, "You're on!"
The first biker fucks his gal at 10 PM, midnight, and 1:30 AM, so he puts three marks on the wall above the bed before going to sleep.
The next morning, the second biker goes into his pal's room to get him up and ready for the road. He sees him lying on the bed, still half asleep, sees the marks on the wall, and yells, "111?"
The second biker reaches in his pocket, pulls out and throws a twenty dollar bill at his friend and whines,
"God damn it! You beat me by four!"
wally2450
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Martha Stewart v Real Woman
Martha Stewart Says:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up." Real Women Say: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the "Real Women's" motto: "I
made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Martha Stewart says:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Women say: Take a lime, mix
it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the
headache, but who cares?
Martha Stewart says:
Stuff marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream
drips. Real Women say: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your
feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha Stewart says:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes. Real Women say: Buy Hungry Jack potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.
Martha Stewart says:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake. Real Women say: Go to the bakery. They will even decorate it
for you.
Martha Stewart says:
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking for a glossy finish.
Real Women say: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Martha Stewart says:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Real Women say:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally, the most important tip...
Martha Stewart says:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces. Real Women say: What leftover wine????????
Martha Stewart Says:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up." Real Women Say: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the "Real Women's" motto: "I
made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Martha Stewart says:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Women say: Take a lime, mix
it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the
headache, but who cares?
Martha Stewart says:
Stuff marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream
drips. Real Women say: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your
feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha Stewart says:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes. Real Women say: Buy Hungry Jack potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.
Martha Stewart says:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake. Real Women say: Go to the bakery. They will even decorate it
for you.
Martha Stewart says:
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking for a glossy finish.
Real Women say: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Martha Stewart says:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Real Women say:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally, the most important tip...
Martha Stewart says:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces. Real Women say: What leftover wine????????
wally2450
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wally2450
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A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really badly. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dick. It really hurt like hell but then he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus. What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dick. It really hurt like hell but then he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus. What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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The Golden Screw
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass".
__._,_.___
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass".
__._,_.___
wally2450
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"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy,
Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist
in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company and a
fireball in the bedroom."
"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he
again ran into Joe.
"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.
"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."
"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in
my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed.
Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we
got company, but she's an economist in the bed-room."
Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist
in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company and a
fireball in the bedroom."
"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he
again ran into Joe.
"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.
"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."
"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in
my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed.
Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we
got company, but she's an economist in the bed-room."
wally2450
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wally2450
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A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the
Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built
us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink
vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The
diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you
want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
"I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the
Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built
us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink
vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The
diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you
want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
"I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
wally2450
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The Top Features of a Car Designed for Women
10. Dashboard prominently features a digital biological clock.
9. Console has special compartment for all that "junk" you
would normally have to stick in the bottom of your purse.
8. Like dry cleaning, car wash costs 50 percent more than the men's
version.
7. Vehicle comes in petite, junior, and full-figured sizes.
6. Vanity mirror on visor also has button for a "dash" of extra
hair spray when needed.
5. Cigarette lighter replaced by a hole that allows driver to
insert fingers one at a time for "instant" manicure on the go.
4. Audio command "Sit down and shut up" prompts seat belts
to automatically wrap around kids and hold them snugly in their
seats when vehicle is placed in gear.
3. OnStar system equipped with a special panic button that
locates the nearest chocolate retailer.
2. A simple controller switch adjusts gas/brake pedal positions
for flats, office heels or soccer mom sneakers.
and the Number 1 Feature of a Car Designed for Women...
1. Fake steering wheel and pedals on the passenger side so,
as in every other aspect of the marriage, hubby can pretend *he's*
in control.
10. Dashboard prominently features a digital biological clock.
9. Console has special compartment for all that "junk" you
would normally have to stick in the bottom of your purse.
8. Like dry cleaning, car wash costs 50 percent more than the men's
version.
7. Vehicle comes in petite, junior, and full-figured sizes.
6. Vanity mirror on visor also has button for a "dash" of extra
hair spray when needed.
5. Cigarette lighter replaced by a hole that allows driver to
insert fingers one at a time for "instant" manicure on the go.
4. Audio command "Sit down and shut up" prompts seat belts
to automatically wrap around kids and hold them snugly in their
seats when vehicle is placed in gear.
3. OnStar system equipped with a special panic button that
locates the nearest chocolate retailer.
2. A simple controller switch adjusts gas/brake pedal positions
for flats, office heels or soccer mom sneakers.
and the Number 1 Feature of a Car Designed for Women...
1. Fake steering wheel and pedals on the passenger side so,
as in every other aspect of the marriage, hubby can pretend *he's*
in control.
wally2450
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wally2450
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Hillbilly
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this
high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush
to put that lantern down. I think there's another one
coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another
one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it
seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and
asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light
that's attractin' 'em?
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Q: Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists
to go fishing with you?
A: Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your
beer. Invite two and they won't drink any."
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this
high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush
to put that lantern down. I think there's another one
coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another
one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it
seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and
asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light
that's attractin' 'em?
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Q: Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists
to go fishing with you?
A: Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your
beer. Invite two and they won't drink any."
wally2450
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Old Harold
Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.
Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little
child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing
this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off
the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine
Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So.....you know
where the juice went.
Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle.
She looks at it and says, "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy
today....."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off top,
and drinks it down, saying, "Well, let's run it through again, and maybe
I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled.....
Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.
Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little
child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing
this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off
the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine
Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So.....you know
where the juice went.
Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle.
She looks at it and says, "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy
today....."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off top,
and drinks it down, saying, "Well, let's run it through again, and maybe
I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled.....
wally2450
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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are
coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are
coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
curvysexpot
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absolutely hillarious y'all! I have never laughed as much as reading through these!
wally2450
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Q. Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
-----------
Jill: Are you concerned about not having a man in your life right now?
Mary: Why should I be concerned? I have a mechanic, a handy-man, and
a yard-boy. I have plenty of batteries, and my shower massage works.
-----------
Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy
baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill
expected.
"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that
you're a grandmother?"
Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said.
"It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a
grandfather."
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
-----------
Jill: Are you concerned about not having a man in your life right now?
Mary: Why should I be concerned? I have a mechanic, a handy-man, and
a yard-boy. I have plenty of batteries, and my shower massage works.
-----------
Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy
baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill
expected.
"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that
you're a grandmother?"
Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said.
"It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a
grandfather."
wally2450
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wally2450
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Succulent-one
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Memo: Cussing at work.
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me! AKA “The Bill Stabrawa””
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
**THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE***
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the Fuck died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank You,
Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me! AKA “The Bill Stabrawa””
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
**THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE***
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the Fuck died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
____________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
____________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
____________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
____________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no intention of driving.
____________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
____________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a
dozen donuts.
____________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.
____________________________________________
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
____________________________________________
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
'Are you in?'
____________________________________________
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
'Honey, I'm home!'
Ask your mother.
____________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
____________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
____________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
____________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no intention of driving.
____________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
____________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a
dozen donuts.
____________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.
____________________________________________
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
____________________________________________
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
'Are you in?'
____________________________________________
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
'Honey, I'm home!'
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Funny Ethnic Jokes
How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
They all gather around their cash registers and sing
"What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."
What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole
to make her squeal with delight?
Give him a raise.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
…"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"
Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!
What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by
a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the
nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the
dog's neck.
A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal",
he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.
"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet".
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
3 dollars a year for a million years.
A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.
He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from the
city, what do you guys do around here?"
The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".
He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"
The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and
slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed
their old friendship.
"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot
winked at his mate.
"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I
got this great Polish Joke..."
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you
go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are
Polish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in
the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"
Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a
redneck divorce all have in common?
A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping
disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in
such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies:
"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"
How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
They all gather around their cash registers and sing
"What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."
What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole
to make her squeal with delight?
Give him a raise.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
…"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"
Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!
What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by
a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the
nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the
dog's neck.
A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal",
he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.
"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet".
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
3 dollars a year for a million years.
A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.
He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from the
city, what do you guys do around here?"
The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".
He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"
The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and
slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed
their old friendship.
"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot
winked at his mate.
"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I
got this great Polish Joke..."
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you
go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are
Polish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in
the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"
Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a
redneck divorce all have in common?
A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping
disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in
such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies:
"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"
