Jokes

[wally2450]

Southern Baptist

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services
and taught Sunday School every week.

On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman,
was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine
looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned
forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner
on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday
he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant
in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and
suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern
womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say
much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of
cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my
Sunday School class if I did?"

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left,
got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they
passed the local Holiday Inn.

He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured
he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ..
mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast
u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel
and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of
the most incredible sex imaginable, the gentleman awoke
first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the
bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one
thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School
class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. You
don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

 

[wally2450]

Morning After

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a
massive hangover and can't remember
anything he did last night.

He picks up his dressing gown from the
floor and puts it on. He notices there's
something in one of the pockets and it
turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds
a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night.
What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude
and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and
has a look in the mirror. He notices a little
string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is, "If there's a God, please let this
be a tea bag."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/183602.jpg

 

[wally2450]

When Roy and Michael found out their wives were attending a sex-toy
party, they refused to go and pick them up. Instead they decided to
leave them to their own devices.



What is the difference between stress and tension?
Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when your
secretary is pregnant.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/183851.jpg

 

[wally2450]

When the woman learned her husband had taken a mistress, she asked,
"Does this mean that you've had enough of me?" "No, sweetie," he
replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."

What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

 

[wally2450]

Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls


Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home
with two of them.

 

[wally2450]

The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today

THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous
student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and
shows it to the bomb squad.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading
Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of
whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning
sickness.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the
periodic
table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop
quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law
wife.

 

[wally2450]

A Great Answer To A Dumb Question

Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper,
asking: "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied, "A slight recoil."

 

[wally2450]

"Wow, you have a nice wife, I'll bet you have to think twice before
you leave your her alone at night." one man said to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason
for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."


I was talking to Jeff about old King Solomon. "That old Solomon, he
was a mighty wise King," stated Jeff. "But all those wives and
concubines; you know sometimes I wonder how he arranged to provide
the necessary food for all those women."

"How he fed all those women doesn't interest me," I said.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/184457.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

YA KNOW YOU'RE IN A SOUTHERN COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN....

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass
or catfish.
~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
and five guys stand up.
~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"
~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."
~ The pastor wears boots.
~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."
~ There's a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.
~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
~ High notes on the organ can set t he dogs to howling.
~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

 

[wally2450]

YA KNOW YOU'RE IN A SOUTHERN COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN....

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass
or catfish.
~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
and five guys stand up.
~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"
~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."
~ The pastor wears boots.
~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."
~ There's a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.
~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
~ High notes on the organ can set t he dogs to howling.
~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

 

[wally2450]

Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland
asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair
dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well
over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father. Next!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/184574.jpg

 

[wally2450]

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was
when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.



A Brown University graduate student, in biology, is wanted now for
allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab.

That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes
virus instead of going out and catching it in the wild like everyone
else.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/184575.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/184592.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home
in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this
case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in
your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up
earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do
you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never
wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me."

 

[wally2450]

why exercise?
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[wally2450]

Drivers permit

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car.

His father said, "I*ll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible
a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settled for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went in to the study, where
his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've
brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have
been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more
in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know,
Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in
my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John
the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's
even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[Succulent-one]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get there by himself,
you know he doesn't belong there,
you know he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
and you just want to help the dumb shit get down."

 

[wally2450]

Leaders

God summoned Fidel Castro, Jacques Chirac and George W.
Bush before him.

HE told them that they were ruining his precious Earth
with all their pollutants, industrial fishing, logging,
etc. HE told them to clean up their act or he would make
the whole mankind shovel shit from one hole to another
for eternity. Go! Tell your people.

Fidel Castro goes back to his people and tells them, "I
have two things to tell you, both of them bad. One,
God exists. Two, if we don't clean up the planet we will
have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity."

Jacques Chirac goes back to his people and tells them "I
have two things to tell you, one good and one bad. One,
God exists; and two, if we don't clean up the planet,
mankind will have to shovel shit from one hole to another
for eternity."

George W. Bush goes back to his people and tells them "I
have two things to tell you, both of them good. One,
God does exist and two, there'll soon be work for every-
one!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/185088.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice of your
husband to buy you that new car," said a friend. "Nice nothing! He
had to," explained the woman. "I caught him in bed with the maid."
"Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, sympathetically. "Well, did
you fire her?" "Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits
to go with the car!"