Jokes

[wally2450]

Birthday

My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday party last year. The
guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you
thinking, babe?" Apparently I've been married too long, because I
said, "You ARE going to pick up after yourself, right??"

 

[wally2450]

Words To Live By

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you
look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars
that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind,
at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20,
and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.



It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

 

[Succulent-one]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a

Restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...


+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Grilled Republican: $100.00

+ Baked Democrat: $20.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price

Difference for the Republican?' The cook replied, 'Have you ever

Tried to clean one? They're so full of sh--, it takes all morning.'

 

[wally2450]

Carolyn was down at the Carolina shore this weekend and was walking
along the water's edge , when she came upon a man with a rather large
belly who was sun bathing on the beach. Feeling a bit down on the
male population at the moment, Carolyn caustically remarked, "If that
belly was on a woman, I bet you would probably say she was pregnant!"
The man squinted up at her a little annoyed and replied, "It was, and
she is!"
====================
When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex ed by a 65-year-old
nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.
Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.
=====================

 

[wally2450]

The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level
executive position in the advertising agency. Finally, the
interviewer concluded with, "I like your style Miss Benson. I think
you'll do just fine. All we ask is that you put out." "Errr, uhh,
err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to work
or sex?" "Well, 'lil lady," he replied, "around here, if you don't do
one, you had better be doing the other."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/181291.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," ! and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
! "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

[wally2450]

Curiosity killed the cat


It's one of those unwritten laws that a wife is supposed to snoop through her husband's stuff. Once in a while I hide some interesting things for her to find. I had a stash of liquor bottles that I hid in the garage. They make great containers for hydraulic fluid after you open the non-resealable one gallon cans.

Last week I found the wife going through my collection of DVD's. It seems that one of her women's magazines presented a statistic that 82.4% of men own pornography. I was happy to tell her that I was one of the 17.6% that does not. And I if I ever did want to spend money on something to spice up my sex life, I would get a younger woman.

 

[wally2450]

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...

1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.


Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________

 

[wally2450]

WITH A

RANGE

OF

8

INCHES LONG,

THE

FUNCTIONING

OF

WHICH

IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH SEXES

IS

USUALLY

FOUND

HUNG,

DANGLING,
,READY,

LOOSLEY,

FOR

INSTANT ACTION.

IT

BOASTS

A
VARIETY
OF
COLOURS
&
SIZES,
& A

CLUMP

OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END,
.AND A
SMALL

HOLE

AT

THE

OTHER!

WHILE
IN USE,

IT'S

INSERTED,

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY,
SOMETIMES

SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY,

MOIST

OPENING

WHERE
IT IS
THEN
THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT
COMPLETELY
WET,

AGAIN

AND

AGAIN,

MANY

TIMES

IN

SUCCESSION...

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED

BY

SQUIRMING

BODILY
&
FACIAL

MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING

IN

WILL

MOST

SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING, ,

SOUND,

RESULTING

FROM

THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN
AT
LAST
IT IS

FINALLY

WITHDRAWN,

IT

LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITISH

STICKY

SUBSTANCE,

SOME

OF

WHICH

WILL
BE
CLINGING
TO
LIPS,
MOUTH,
TONGUE,
TEETH,
&
WILL
REQUIRE

CLEANING

AROUND

THE

OUTER

SURFACES

OF

THE

OPENING

AND

SOME

FROM

ITS

LONG,
MOIST,

GLISTENING

SHAFT.

AFTER

EVERYTHING

IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS

HAVE

CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING

STATE

OF

BEING,

READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY

REACHING

ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES

A

DAY,
HOWEVER

OFTEN

MUCH

LESS...
.

WHAT AM I ?

I AM THINKING YOU MAY HAVE
ALREADY GUESSED!!!
THE ANSWER TO THIS
QUESTION IS NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY OWN...

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

TOOTHBRUSH...

GOTCHA!


EXACTLY what were you thinking???

You WISH!

 

[Succulent-one]

Subject: The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading
Dr Smith and Dr. Jones,
"Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign,
so the doctors changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so, in an effort to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go. Next, they tried:
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again. Then came
"Minds and Behinds."
Still no good. Another attempt resulted in:
"Lost Souls and Nether Holes."
Unacceptable again. So they tried:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts"?
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks"?
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons"?
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,
"Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.

 

[wally2450]

Subject: The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading
Dr Smith and Dr. Jones,
"Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign,
so the doctors changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so, in an effort to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go. Next, they tried:
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again. Then came
"Minds and Behinds."
Still no good. Another attempt resulted in:
"Lost Souls and Nether Holes."
Unacceptable again. So they tried:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts"?
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks"?
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons"?
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,
"Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.

 

[wally2450]

hell yes girls!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank whole bottles of wine, chatted for hours on the phone to friends, always had a clean house, watched chick flicks without feeling guilty.

She never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, didn't have to pay for dual view tv, travelled more, had a career, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theatre, never watched sports, owned every
remote control in the house, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

THE END

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/182697.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Sales Rep

As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I
was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for
an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe
they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have
an in-house auditor?" "No," she answered. "We have an outhouse
auditor." It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop
laughing and continue our conversation.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/183197.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Q: How can you tell if a Southern wedding is a formal
affair?
A: They've painted the shotgun white.


Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff
in your new car.

 

[wally2450]

Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Are You Democrat, Republican Or Southerner ?
You decide. .

Here is a little test that will help you decide.




The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your family.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife

comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,

screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,

and charges at you.




You are carrying a Glock 40-caliber pistol, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?




[Page Down]







.................................................. ...........




Democrat's Answer:




Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

What does the law say about this situation?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does

This send to society and to my children?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound

me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

What can I do to understand his behavior, to relate to his concerns?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,

healthier street that would

Discourage such behavior.

.........







Republican's Answer:







BANG!




..............................







Southerner's Answer:




BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click




Daughter: "Nice grouping! Were those the

Winchester SilverTips or Hollow Points?"




Son: "Can I shoot the next one?!"




Spouse: "You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!"

 

[wally2450]

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told
that I have a body like New Jersey." So, her date grabs her waist and
asks, "What's this?" She replies "Middlesex." He grabs her butt and
asks "what's this?" She replies," Freehold." Then he grabs her breast
and asks "what's this?" She replies," Point Pleasant." Finally, he
reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"
"No," she replies, "That's Eatontown." The guy gets so excited that
he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"

 

[wally2450]

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said,
"If you build it, they will come"?


The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her
troubles to the marriage counselor. "Isn't there some way that I can
keep my husband in line?" The counselor scowled, "Well young lady,
maybe that's the problem, your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"

 

[wally2450]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

[wally2450]

Chipo was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had a
boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help. "Honey! ", said the
psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But in the
reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall
at your feet." Chipo left very happy and excited, and as she went
over a bridge she thought: "the sooner I die, the sooner my next life
begins." She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But,
incredibly Chipo didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of
bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered,
still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing
where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the
bananas. She mumbled with a huge smile on her face: "GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!"


After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the
events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was
able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night.
Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most
scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in
antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman
of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important prick,
piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And
he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at
work on Monday."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/183601.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, " Excuse me for asking but why do you shudder so violently after every sneeze?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare condition and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed, but even more curious, says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman smiles at him and says, "Pepper."

 

[wally2450]

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women
eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.

"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the
new
bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in
one
hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the
fruit
into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed
the
whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"

"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head toward it with
the other."