Jokes

[wally2450]

Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating
much,
and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I
have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.

A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you
know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an
example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just
terrible; that's why problems like this come up!

Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a
good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies
who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example
for a little girl 10 years old?"

Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her
hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each
other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good
example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth.

Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks,
"Now, darling, how did this happen?

And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father
Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant
this year."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/176230.gif

 

[wally2450]

Coming out of a theater late one evening, a man discovered that a
couple had broken into his car and were making love in the back seat.
When he asked them to leave, he was threatened with bodily harm, so
he called the police. The police took them all to the station, then
quickly to night court in another part of the building. The judge
inquired about the incident, then fined the couple $50.00 for
indecent exposure. When he was finished with them, he turned to the
man and fined him $100.00. Outraged, he demanded the reason. The
judge answered, "Disturbing the piece."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/176452.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Dear Diary,

This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask
me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to
Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.
Live and learn.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/176453.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Field trips can be a lot of fun

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the
famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the
other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their
"wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said,
"You must be in the fourth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race
today."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/176662.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Visitors

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone
and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challen-
ging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

 

[wally2450]

Visitors

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone
and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challen-
ging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

 

[wally2450]

Terms of Endearment
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,", "Sweetheart,",
"Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about 10 years ago!

 

[wally2450]

Men & women compliment each other by the unique traits we were each given:


Women:

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, & your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care.They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.Women want to be the best for their family & their friends and themselves.Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.


MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy shit and killing bugs.

 

[wally2450]

The wife says to the husband, "Why do you carry my photo in your wallet?"

"When there's a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture
and the problem disappears."

"You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

"Absolutely! I see your picture and I ask myself, 'What other problem
could be greater than this one?'"

 

[wally2450]

All seniors aren't Senile!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! "

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/177325.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the
night
the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a
couple
of night-caps. One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding
night
and I was wondering how many times are we expected to...um... you
know....do it!" The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve
into a conversation about whether the usual once is enough, or should
they go for twice, as its a special occasion! Anyway they decide to
retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the
idea that over breakfast they'll discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on fellas we can't discuss
our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our
wives sat with us." "No you're right, what we'll do then, for every
piece of toast you order with your breakfast, that's how many times
you
did it" offers another groom.

They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel breakfast parlour they're all looking a bit
dishevelled and the wives have the hairstyle known as the 'Just
Shagged
Look'.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Yes I'll
have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The
other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I
shall
also have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast" The other two grooms turn making pistols from their fingers and
shoot the FOUR shooter groom.

The waitress gets to the last groom "I TOO shall have the FULL English
breakfast please, yet I shall have,.." he takes a deep breath and
surveys the room, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for
everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding
mates, who stare at him rubbing their privates thinking how raw their
friend must be. "Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress "why
that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it
is." She writes down his order then turns away, but before she leaves
the seven times a night groom calls after her again. "And by the way
love, make two of them brown!!!"

 

[Dreamingoflove]

A hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the
night
the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a
couple
of night-caps. One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding
night
and I was wondering how many times are we expected to...um... you
know....do it!" The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve
into a conversation about whether the usual once is enough, or should
they go for twice, as its a special occasion! Anyway they decide to
retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the
idea that over breakfast they'll discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on fellas we can't discuss
our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our
wives sat with us." "No you're right, what we'll do then, for every
piece of toast you order with your breakfast, that's how many times
you
did it" offers another groom.

They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel breakfast parlour they're all looking a bit
dishevelled and the wives have the hairstyle known as the 'Just
Shagged
Look'.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Yes I'll
have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The
other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I
shall
also have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast" The other two grooms turn making pistols from their fingers and
shoot the FOUR shooter groom.

The waitress gets to the last groom "I TOO shall have the FULL English
breakfast please, yet I shall have,.." he takes a deep breath and
surveys the room, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for
everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding
mates, who stare at him rubbing their privates thinking how raw their
friend must be. "Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress "why
that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it
is." She writes down his order then turns away, but before she leaves
the seven times a night groom calls after her again. "And by the way
love, make two of them brown!!!"

LMMFAO.......

 

[straptnlusty4u]

S & M Magazine

One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."




Multi-Syllable Words


Miss Adams was explaining multi-syllable words to her third-grade class. "You all know single-syllable words like hand, foot, house, and dog, but some words are made up of more than one syllable," she said. "Now who can give me an example of a word made up of MORE than one syllable."

Little Johnny raised his hand eagerly.

"All right, Johnny , go ahead," smiled Miss Adams.

"Auto-eroticism," beamed little Johnny.

"My goodness, Johnny, that's a mouthful," marveled Miss Adams.

"No, Miss Adams, that's masturbation," explained Johnny. "You're thinking of a blowjob."




Pussy and Bitch


A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother what a pussy is. The boy's mother gets out a dictionary and shows him a picture of a cat. The boy then asks his mom what a bitch is. The mother turns the pages until she finds a picture of a dog.

When the boy's father gets home from work, the boy asks him what a pussy is. His father gets out a Playboy, opens it up to the centerfold, and draws a circle around the Playmate's pussy. The boy then asks his father to explain what a bitch is?

The father looks at his son and says, "A bitch is everything outside the circle."




Husbands Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

 

[straptnlusty4u]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(Children's responses to the above question)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

 

[Marshal_Nash]

A pervert walks into a bar with a bright blue parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender looks at the parrot and asks "Where did you get that?"
The parrot says "Literotica they got em every where."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/177434.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Lovemaking

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood
bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy.
"You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like
a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/177488.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy
was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked. "Oh... she just said,
"I can't believe I have a person inside me!" I said, "So do I. Could
I call ya back in an hour or so ?"

 

[wally2450]

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with
Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give
in
and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage,
O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you
had
gone to bed with me like all the other girls did." "Experience is the
best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other
suitors."