Jokes

[wally2450]

A policeman stopped at a local drive-up restaurant to buy his dinner
one evening. There was a car parked in the drive-in area which was...
"rockin'" He went over to the car and saw a young couple "going at
it!" He knocked on the glass, and said, "Are you performing a lewd
and indecent act in a public place? Should I run you in?" The young
man coolly said, "Why, NO, Officer... I'm just teaching my girlfriend
what to do if she gets pulled over by the police, and doesn't have
enough money to pay the fine if she gets a ticket!"

 

[wally2450]

Aspiring Gunslinger

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He
practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet
first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on
your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch o ut of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as
much."

 

[wally2450]

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter
and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were
finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and
said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, See? I told
you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!"

 

[wally2450]

Obituary Notice




Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense
lived a long life but died in the United States from heart failure on the
brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, and
factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For
decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over
Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to
know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and
that life isn't always fair.




Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge,
not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body
piercing, whole language, and "new math." But his health declined when he
became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.




In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of
well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good
people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly
deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and
a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his
condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent
when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment
than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the
Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept
informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those
for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

 

[wally2450]

Vickie and John had split-up a few months ago, but still remained
good friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same
apartment building. One day John slipped on the ice and broke his
arm. He met Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was
anything she could do to help. John said, "Well, if it's not too much
trouble, could you help me take a bath?" Vickie readily agreed and
soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."
======================
Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss
across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the
suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed.
Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the
phone, "Tell my husband to get his ass across the street." "Ma'am," a
soft, sexy voice replied, "That's where he's been getting it for some
time now."

 

[wally2450]

An expectant father did not want his coworkers to know that he had a
girlfriend, much less that she was pregnant with his son. Though he
accompanied her to the hospital, he had to report to work while she
was still in labor. As he left, he asked the labor and delivery nurse
to call his office and let him know by using a secret code. "When my
son comes, do not call the office and say that I have become a father
of a boy, otherwise everyone will know. Just tell the receptionist
that the clock has arrived and I will know that my son has been
born." The child arrived but it was a girl. The labor and delivery
nurse thought, "If I tell his office that the clock did not arrive,
he'll think that something has happened to the baby; and he'll be
terribly upset and worried." So she sent the message: "The clock has
arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

 

[wally2450]

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife


17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

 

[done_got_old]

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comforted her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comforted her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

 

[done_got_old]

.......from starrynight

TRIP TO WAL-MART (evolution of man?)

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following.

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

 

[wally2450]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

 

[wally2450]

Three sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they
recently have eaten. The first one says: "I swallowed an Italian
yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick."
The second shark says: "That's nothing, pal! I swallowed a Russian
last week, and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still
drunk." The third shark laughs and said: "You lucky guys! I swallowed
George W. Bush three weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his
head, I still can't dive!"

 

[wally2450]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench
complaining about their husbands. "My husband's
losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he
went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."

"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.

"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The
way my husband's thing has been reacting the last
few years, that waterbed might as well be the
Dead Sea."

 

[wally2450]

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned
about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but
he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and
suggested he try something that had worked for me. "Whenever an
officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him,
"just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!'
Will this work for you?" He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

 

[wally2450]

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

~~~~

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How
devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know
her well enough."

 

[wally2450]

Q: What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a
limp penis?
A: You don't fuck with either one.

 

[wally2450]

The Wisdom of The Indian Chief
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women happily worked in the camp, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love, medicine man free."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think He could improve system like that!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/171987.gif

 

[wally2450]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

 

[wally2450]

You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and
says,"Let's just be friends."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/172356.jpg

 

[wally2450]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a long moment............................

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

 

[wally2450]

Bedroom Golf

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.

It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

 

[wally2450]

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local
health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you
ain't to have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the
young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbors?"

 

[wally2450]

A blonde guy is in a sports bar crying to the guy on the next stool
about his wife. "I thought she might be seeing another guy when I was
at work. I work nights. Last night I took a day off work and spied on
her. Sure enough a car drove up and a guy goes to my door. My wife
opens the door and she's all dolled up and they embrace and smooch.
They get in the car and I follow them. They went out for dinner
playing footsie, holding hands and cooing at each other the whole
time. Then they went to a movie and I went and sat behind them. They
smooched through the whole movie. Then they went back to my house and
went inside. I saw them in front of the window kissing and then the
light went out! I can't stand it!" The other guy says, "Yea, it must
be terrible knowing your wife has been sleeping around on you." The
blonde guy says, "How can I tell for sure? The light went out!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/173061.jpg