Jokes

[Succulent-one]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody,
any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door,
on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty,
clean It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got
out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.
What firm are you with?"

 

[wally2450]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache".

 

[wally2450]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

 

[wally2450]

A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach for his
corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that
he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to
share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend,
"Come as soon as you can for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your
mistress." His friend was quick to wire back, "Your wife and I are
arriving tomorrow at 11:30 a. m. How long have you known about us?"


The prostitute stood on the Nashville street corner when she saw a
gentleman walk up to her. "Well, hello there," she said. The man, who
wasn't used to talking to strangers, said, "Hi. What are you doing in
a neighborhood like this?" She replied, "I fulfill wishes!" "OH," the
man said. "And how do you do that?" "Make a wish," she told him, "a
penny for your wish!" The man blushed slightly, and then he said, "I
wish I was in bed with you!" She got a smile on her face. Then he
said, "Hey, nothing happened." "I told you it was 'A penny for your
thoughts' -- what I didn't tell you is that it takes a hundred
dollars to act 'em out!"

 

[wally2450]

Woodpeckers

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing
about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan
woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The
Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the
tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas
woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas
that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan
woodpecker expressed much confidence that he could do it. After
flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two
woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to
peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the
Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own
state. Moral of this story: Your pecker is always harder when you're
away from home.

 

[wally2450]

50th wedding anniversary

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet
celebrating it, Bob was asked to give his friends a brief
account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Bob, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife?"

Bob responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the
best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness,
forbearance, self restraint, forgiveness, and a great many
other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."

 

[Succulent-one]

Fair is Fair


Down south, Bubba called his attorney and
asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette
companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food
restaurants Fer makin 'em fat an cloggin
their arteries with all them burgers an
fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions
when she was gittin that hot coffee
that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that
university when he gradiated and still
couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . ... what I want
to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all
them ugly women I slept with?"

 

[wally2450]

A young blond woman moved from Wilmington, NC, to Raleigh where the
weather is decidedly colder. Her parents, visited her there and
noticed in the parking lot of her apartment complex a sign that
featured a picture of a faucet dripping and the words FREEZE WARNING.
LEAVE WATER DRIPPING. Her father asked, "Melissa, did you leave your
water dripping in the apartment?" A look of total confusion crossed
her face. "What does the water in my apartment have to do with the
water in the parking lot?" "Honey, what do you think that sign
means?" "The water dripping from the leaves causes the parking lot to
freeze, so you need to be careful driving. Right?"

 

[done_got_old]

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

 

[Succulent-one]

You Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

Did you help him? She asks

No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, And those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be Ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes bac k the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband



"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

 

[wally2450]

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to a motel."

A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "He was following you."

 

[wally2450]

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark

One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs
to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board
with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
rainbow waiting.

 

[wally2450]

Modern Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just sod off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

16. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

[wally2450]

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.



I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

 

[wally2450]

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from
Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation
turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in
the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles
as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are
seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until,
that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with
children."

 

[wally2450]

://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/169162.jpg

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/169162.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

 

[wally2450]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him
a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong
with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your
insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with
you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep
alone."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/169438.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Holy shit!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

 

[done_got_old]

don't piss off your plastic surgeon

http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/Don%2527tpissoffyourplasticsurg.jpg

 

[wally2450]

According to the Home & Garden network, some women get more
satisfaction from doing housework than from having sex. I understand
that. At least when they're doing housework, they get to finish.
(Jay Leno)

 

[wally2450]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S. agent and
his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they
arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one
said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and lawyer were touched and
flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during
his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had
never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of
them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two
of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then
said weakly," "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want
to go, too."

 

[wally2450]

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ
of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa
convention in San Francisco, and several members
lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepperand their pepper shaker was full of
salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles
without spilling, and using only the implements at
hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally
came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin,
a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the
waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice
that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt
shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched
them.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/170197.jpg