Lorelei_11
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wally2450 said:
*Laughing*
I'm a dog person.
Dogs are the best. They say cats are more like women, and dogs are more like men.
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
*Laughing*
I'm a dog person.
Dogs are the best. They say cats are more like women, and dogs are more like men.
wally2450
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A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back
from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent
most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing
happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this
strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought
this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had
this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no,
just between my 2 big toes!"
A Mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy asked, " Mommy, if big dogs
have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes
have baby airplanes?" The kid's mother not feeling like thinking up
an answer told her son, "Mommy's busy. Go ask the flight attendant."
"So, the boy went tottering down the aisle and asked the stewardess
why there are no baby airplanes. The flight attendant, who was very
busy at the time , smiled and said , "Did your Mom tell you to ask me
that?" The boy said, "Yes , she did." "Well , then, you go and tell
your mother , that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mommy explain that to you."
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume
counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist
and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy" "Yeah.
What's it called Sharon?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What the does
that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a
moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon takes anther sniff
and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like
come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent
most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing
happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this
strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought
this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had
this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no,
just between my 2 big toes!"
A Mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy asked, " Mommy, if big dogs
have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes
have baby airplanes?" The kid's mother not feeling like thinking up
an answer told her son, "Mommy's busy. Go ask the flight attendant."
"So, the boy went tottering down the aisle and asked the stewardess
why there are no baby airplanes. The flight attendant, who was very
busy at the time , smiled and said , "Did your Mom tell you to ask me
that?" The boy said, "Yes , she did." "Well , then, you go and tell
your mother , that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mommy explain that to you."
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume
counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist
and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy" "Yeah.
What's it called Sharon?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What the does
that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a
moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon takes anther sniff
and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like
come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
wally2450
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Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But
he acts so stupid," said one to the other, "I think he must have his
brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure
love to blow his mind!"
George and Diane were parked one dark winter night at the beach
parking lot. George placed his hands between Diane's legs. All of a
sudden Diane said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"
George replied, "Go right ahead. I've got my hand on the piece I want!"
he acts so stupid," said one to the other, "I think he must have his
brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure
love to blow his mind!"
George and Diane were parked one dark winter night at the beach
parking lot. George placed his hands between Diane's legs. All of a
sudden Diane said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"
George replied, "Go right ahead. I've got my hand on the piece I want!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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Having a Threesome
Advantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
Disadvantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.
Advantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
Disadvantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.
Lorelei_11
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wally2450 said:
Oh gawd! lol
The only 3 some I'd consider is me and two guys. That would be if it could be possible. Most people want to do it with anonymous pretty much strangers. I'd want to do it with really good friends.
I think I'm screwed, and not in the good way. lol
wally2450
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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to pick up...
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those
who have already been picked.
Now Men...
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to pick up...
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those
who have already been picked.
Now Men...
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.
Lorelei_11
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wally2450 said:
*laughing*
But no no no..... No stomping. Men are cool, so .... a little gentle squeezing will do it, over time.
One of the reasons I'm single, is I'm like the apple.
wally2450
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Lorelei_11
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Yes, the wait is certainly worth it.
Most of my dating has been really short, and didn't even get to the point of sex. Although, the one guy I dated for quite some time.
Oh yes.... we had sex, and then some more sex. A variety of sex. We had sex weekends. Mmm hmm.... lots and lots of sex.
He was patient, and took the sexual part slowly.
Most of my dating has been really short, and didn't even get to the point of sex. Although, the one guy I dated for quite some time.
Oh yes.... we had sex, and then some more sex. A variety of sex. We had sex weekends. Mmm hmm.... lots and lots of sex.
He was patient, and took the sexual part slowly.
wally2450
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"The Thingie"
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie."
So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie; which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with her cane , remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant. She said,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and I'm too old to squat!
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie."
So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie; which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with her cane , remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant. She said,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and I'm too old to squat!
Lorelei_11
Its me
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- May 22, 2003
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wally2450 said:
OMG!
*laughing*
wally2450
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This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey
of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to
the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly.'
Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay
until our second mortgage is paid off."
of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to
the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly.'
Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay
until our second mortgage is paid off."
wally2450
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Tequila
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask
your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and
more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let
you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost
immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you
can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past,
(well shyness anyway) and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However,
women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant
are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor
control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing
Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask
your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and
more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let
you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost
immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you
can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past,
(well shyness anyway) and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However,
women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant
are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor
control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing
Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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This was told to me as a true story by my friend Taz.
I and some body piercing afficianados were out one night, and, of course, the
topic was various piercings, and all their aesthetic delights. One type of
piercing was highly praised as making Oral Sex much better.
You know there are some things that are already good enough.
I and some body piercing afficianados were out one night, and, of course, the
topic was various piercings, and all their aesthetic delights. One type of
piercing was highly praised as making Oral Sex much better.
You know there are some things that are already good enough.
Lorelei_11
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- May 22, 2003
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wally2450 said:
*laughing*
I should drink more. Have you ever heard that country song, Tequila makes her cloths fall off?
wally2450
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On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride,
"I have a confession that I should have made before,
but I was concerned that it might affect our rela-
tionship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that
I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday
afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a
choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for
your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I
should tell you that I've concealed something
about my own past that you should know about. I'm
a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your
stance a little and overlap your grip and that
should sort it out."
"I have a confession that I should have made before,
but I was concerned that it might affect our rela-
tionship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that
I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday
afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a
choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for
your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I
should tell you that I've concealed something
about my own past that you should know about. I'm
a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your
stance a little and overlap your grip and that
should sort it out."
wally2450
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Golf
A fellow tees off and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a
stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a
woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and
shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" "I'm a doctor," another man says,
rising. "What's the trouble?" "I just hit a woman out there with a
golf ball, and she's unconscious!" "Well, where did you hit her?" the
doctor asks. "Between the first and second holes." "Oh, my," the
doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for
stitches!"
A fellow tees off and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a
stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a
woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and
shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" "I'm a doctor," another man says,
rising. "What's the trouble?" "I just hit a woman out there with a
golf ball, and she's unconscious!" "Well, where did you hit her?" the
doctor asks. "Between the first and second holes." "Oh, my," the
doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for
stitches!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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Two Women
Kitty: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.
Becky: What makes you think so?
Kitty: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he
picked me up and headed for the bedroom.
Becky: So?
Kitty: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I
don't know. Does that cost extra?"
Kitty: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.
Becky: What makes you think so?
Kitty: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he
picked me up and headed for the bedroom.
Becky: So?
Kitty: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I
don't know. Does that cost extra?"
wally2450
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Dream vs Reality
*When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and
living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tom
on
the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all
day,
she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do
something I don't want to do!"
"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of
this!"
*When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and
living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tom
on
the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all
day,
she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do
something I don't want to do!"
"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of
this!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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Ten Things Paris Hilton Will Do After She Gets Out Of Prison
1) Put her newly-perfected shank-wielding skills to good use during a knife fight with Lindsay Lohan.
2) Lose a fortune trying to sell her new line of designer orange jumpsuits.
3) Adopt a baby with her new "special friend" Joquanda "Fisty" Jackson.
4) Start bragging about the tunnel she made behind the Raquel Welch poster in her cell.
5) Get kicked out of Victoria's Secret for trying to pay for her purchases with cigarettes.
6) Embarrass herself at the Cabana Club by continually yelling "Shakin' the bush, boss!" from the ladies' room.
7) Launch a new perfume called "Cavity Search".
8 ) Get matching "P-A-R-I-S" tattooed across fingers of her right hand.
9) Reject slave name and finish process of legally becoming "Paris X".
10) Realize how many doors have become closed to her as an ex-con, say "screw it", and embark on a multi-state armed robbery spree that ends with her getting taken down in a hail of bullets on national TV.
1) Put her newly-perfected shank-wielding skills to good use during a knife fight with Lindsay Lohan.
2) Lose a fortune trying to sell her new line of designer orange jumpsuits.
3) Adopt a baby with her new "special friend" Joquanda "Fisty" Jackson.
4) Start bragging about the tunnel she made behind the Raquel Welch poster in her cell.
5) Get kicked out of Victoria's Secret for trying to pay for her purchases with cigarettes.
6) Embarrass herself at the Cabana Club by continually yelling "Shakin' the bush, boss!" from the ladies' room.
7) Launch a new perfume called "Cavity Search".
8 ) Get matching "P-A-R-I-S" tattooed across fingers of her right hand.
9) Reject slave name and finish process of legally becoming "Paris X".
10) Realize how many doors have become closed to her as an ex-con, say "screw it", and embark on a multi-state armed robbery spree that ends with her getting taken down in a hail of bullets on national TV.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
A small Tennessee Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Ted, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
1. "First,", Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Ted said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Ted stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
1. "First,", Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Ted said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Ted stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
