Jokes

[wally2450]

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner. He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her: "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me." Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten. The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods. Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money. She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.".

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/158339.gif

 

[wally2450]

The Maternity Ward
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job
in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these
awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has
slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I
really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give
baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

 

[Succulent-one]

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.


Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.



What is a Dog?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.


Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

 

[Succulent-one]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

 

[wally2450]

Not ready to marry

"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy,
Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist
in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company and a
fireball in the bedroom."

"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he
again ran into Joe.

"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.

"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."

"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"

"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in
my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed.
Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we
got company, but she's an economist in the bed-room.

 

[wally2450]

Slept With Tiger Woods?

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make ... I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The husband then slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!

 

[wally2450]

Court

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign
that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things
that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking
the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle
his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she
replied, "I mean hobosexuality... He's a bum fuck!"

 

[mac616n]

God, how I love logic in its purest form!

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Sor Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.
There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service

 

[wally2450]

After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the
evening, the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See
here," she shouted indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm
going to tell you 'no.'" "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can
start making some progress."

 

[wally2450]

The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
"Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."




Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.


Routine and boring

Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making
with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't
you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I
do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it
last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59
minutes!"

 

[Succulent-one]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did Here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Succulent-one]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

She tasted some more and asked? Is It Scotch?

"No," said the little boy...

"It's a puppy!

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/158943.jpg

 

[wally2450]

>LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL
>
>According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique >problem.
>

>A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the >washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the >mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>

>Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put >them back.
>

>Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the >washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints >were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
>

>To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to >show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it i n >the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>
>THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.
>
>There are teachers, ..... and then there are Educators.





>Need more educators in this world….

 

[wally2450]

Researchers have found that men in their late 50's and 60's have
begun to have a higher sex drive. Do you realize what that means?
Clinton's getting hornier! (Jay Leno)

My wife told me about a book on how to find the G-spot. I went to a
book store, but I couldn't find the book... my wife bought it for me.
There were no pictures or diagrams. It just said it was about a third
of the way in. Great. Compared to who?

Then there was the young man who saved for years to buy his mother a
house, only to find that the police department wouldn't let her run it.

Joan says to her husband. " I'd like my cousin Joe to visit one
weekend and paint a picture of us making love." He is an artist you
know. Her husband says; "Oh, does he do still life?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/159218.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site.

When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a
goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell
all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our
Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to
put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for
San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to
be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more
than double anything he'd made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town.

Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for
confession.

After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple
of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty
Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I
had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin'
and fuckin ' in Philadelphia."

 

[wally2450]

.. Very funny!!!

Rest of the world version

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

The U.K. version

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multicultural choir singing "We shall overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay "his fair share" and increase the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain’s apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police had fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper’s drug ‘illness’.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in the UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drugs overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root cause of despair arising from the social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the UK.

The squirrel, the dog and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

 

[mac616n]

The Kinks

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and pee'd in your purse. I'm done."

 

[wally2450]

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the
London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been
producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since
before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they
ain't any good," the Texan retorted.
"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist
said.
"Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a
tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the
gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers
off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."

 

[vboy23]

lemme try if this works

http://www.geocities.com/zero_rp/Arts.gif
Martial ARTS Vs Modern ARTS


http://www.geocities.com/zero_rp/Itsabugslife.jpg
Its a bugs life


http://www.geocities.com/zero_rp/BsNursing.gif
BS nursing

 

[wally2450]

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND

A couple was celebrating their golden
wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their
domestic tranquility had long been
the talk of the town. People would
say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'.

The local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage. The husband replied:
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America. We visited the Grand Canyon,
in Arizona, and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon, by horse. We
hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse
stumbled and she almost fell off. My
wife looked down at the horse and quietly
said, 'That's once'


We proceeded a little further and the
horse stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice'.

'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
horse stumbled for the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver
from her purse and shot the horse
dead.'

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong
with you, Woman! Why did you shoot
the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said,
'That's once'.

'And from that moment.....we have lived
happily every after.'

 

[wally2450]

A 30-year-old man and woman are lying in bed after making
love. The woman lays on her side of the bed and rests. The
man goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh man, I
finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The woman overhears him
talking
to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait and give the woman
I
love my virginity." Astounded, the woman replies, "So you really love
me?" "No," the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

 

[wally2450]

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans!

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these thing's.
We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you???

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY!
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!