Jokes

[wally2450]

Definition
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.
MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of
spaghetti without it touching the sides.
MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.
MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.
NONDESCRIPT: A television play.
ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.
ORGY: Grope therapy.
PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method.
PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.
PIMP: Nookie Bookie.
PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.
PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.
PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.
RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.
RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.
REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.
SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.
SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.
SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.
SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.
SONATA: A song sung by Frank.
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.
TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.
TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a
projection without objection.
VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.
VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.
VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.
VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out.
VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.
VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian.
WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.
WET DREAM: A snorgasm.
ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.
CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.
DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.
GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.
INCEST: Relatively boring.
INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.
LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.
MASTURBATION: I-balling.
SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.

 

[wally2450]

Ida the office blonde said that with all the new transplants
they're doing, she'd like to see about being a virgin again.
But sexy Sophie just laughed and said, "And where in hell
do you think they'd find a donor?"

 

[wally2450]

Just in case you've had a rough day or a rough week, here's a stress

management technique recommended in all the latest psychological

texts.

The funny thing is that it really works. Read ALL of this!

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called work.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a

cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding

underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already

 

[wally2450]

"What grounds do you think you have?" asked the attorney whom the
woman was consulting about a divorce. "My husband keeps bringing his
work home with him night after night!" exclaimed the client. "But
that's hardly grounds for divorce," smiled the attorney. "Why, I do
that myself." "Sure, I can see a man doing it if he's a lawyer,"
snapped the woman, "but my husband's a pimp."

 

[wally2450]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any
animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After
feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a . 308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7 mm MGA Rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, Skunk, killed with an ax."

 

[wally2450]

A redneck arrived home from work one day and found, to his dismay,
his young wife laying on the couch with a very swollen esophagus and
neck. She also was ailin' with a high fever. He immediately put her
in his pickup truck and drove to the emergency room of a local
hospital. They, in turn, admitted her into the Intensive Care Unit
and asked that he wait in the waiting room. After 2 hours of pacing,
the man was getting impatient, increasingly more irritated and upset.
Finally the ICU doctor came through the door and approached him. The
redneck blurted out, "What the hell's wrong with mah wife, Doc?!" The
doctor looked at him very calmly and said, "Mr. Jackson, I think your
wife has acute angina, and I want to keep her here tonight." With a
very loud voice, the redneck said, "Like hell!! I think it's cute
too, but what are you doin' lookin' at it to begin with, when the
problem's is in her neck?"

 

[wally2450]

The judge looked down at the attractive plaintiff. "You claim that
the defendant stole your money from your stocking?" "That's right,
Your Honor," "Well, why didn't you resist?" The girl blushed and
lowered her eyes. "I didn't know he was after my money, Your Honor."

 

[wally2450]

When the women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned much
unlike the women in Los Angeles, who usually get stoned first and
then they commit adultery.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

[wally2450]

ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand
the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are
also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to
get
it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer
glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.'

 

[wally2450]

The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and
said,
"Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."

"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.

"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off
of it."

 

[wally2450]

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their
Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice
CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in
pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them
each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than
enough to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had
wed after a whirlwind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to
lead her towards the bedroom. "God!" she muttered, "every stinking
time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."

 

[wally2450]

TIT MONDAY

It's near!

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat. And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy.

For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday. Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. In 2005 it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs.

It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples. So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

 

[Succulent-one]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water-mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

[Succulent-one]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got
to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom
broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The
groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned
over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little
whisk broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.



"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

 

[wally2450]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in arkansas. His dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that stupid little shit on your knee."

 

[wally2450]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, little Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

 

[wally2450]

"Ron and I had hardly finished one argument when I Screwed up and
started another one," said Laura. "How'd you do that?" asked Keli.
"Well," said Laura, "you know when you're done with a Big fight and
your significant other suggests a Little 'make-up sex?'" "Yeah" says
Keli. Laura replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for Me to ask,
'Does it have to be with you?'"

 

[wally2450]

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on
the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble,
Sweetie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have
anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

 

[wally2450]

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she

can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

[wally2450]

A Mississippi gal, Daisy Mae, was involved in a serious crash;
there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag her out of
the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.

Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you have a concussion.

Daisy Mae: OK

Medic: OK then how many fingers am I putting up

Daisy Mae: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

 

[wally2450]

Carol and Sabith were discussing the date Sabith had the night
before. "Carol, he was so erudite, clever, and sophisticated, I just
couldn't believe it. He speaks several languages, drives a
Lamborghini, took me to a Parisian restaurant and then ordered our
meal and wine courses in French, Then he took me back to his
penthouse apartment and while we looked over his Russian book
collection by the fireplace, he took my shoes off and told me to
relax while he served me some expensive cognac" "Wow," Sab, said
Carol, " he sounds fabulous! Just how far did he get?" Sabith sighed,
and whispered conspiritally, "Well, I'd really rather not say, but
let me just say, he was quite a cunning linguist!"

 

[wally2450]

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young
couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the
leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too
late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed
happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
"Well, err... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new
form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial
respiration!" "WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which
merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

 

[wally2450]

Irish Golfer

An 80-year old Irish man goes to the doctor for a
check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in
and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical
condition?"

"I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and
that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before
daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "I
have a glass of whisky, and al l is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when
he died?

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and
your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In
fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went
to the topless beach for a walk. That's why he's still
alive ... he's Irish and he's also a golfer."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's
Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still a kick'n."

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years
old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible!
How old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So,
I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's
getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married ?!!

Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

 

[wally2450]

The Englishman's paramour told him she was pregnant, and said, "If
you do not marry me, I shall kill myself." "Oh I say!" replied her
lover, "You really are a decent sort."

SEX is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs,
and pray you don't multiply!

 

[wally2450]

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show,

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer:

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"