Jokes

[wally2450]

The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug
store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered,
set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom.
"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it." The
counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream
content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in
the Thermos jug, and capped the jug. "What," asked the ice cream
purveyor, "is the reason for that?" "For three months, my wife has
been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to
her."

 

[wally2450]

There was this girl who lived in New Jersey, and she loved it so much
that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State.
One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to
feel up her right tit. "I bet you call this Mount Pleasant," he said,
and she smiled in assent. Working his hand down her ass, he asked,
"And this?" "I call that Freehole," she said. Getting hot and heavy,
he maneuvered his hand around to the front. "I bet you call this
Cherry Hill," he said triumphantly. "Nope. That's Eatontown."

 

[dark_dancer]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the
job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and
the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels"

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him. She quietly called him over to her "Unbutton my blouse and
take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"

 

[dark_dancer]

WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

WHAT A MAN HEARS:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

 

[wally2450]

Jill, being the "only buy-on-sale shopper," beckoned
to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to
white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that
store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.

"Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at
S. Klein's downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."

And Jill replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring
what the lambs do at night?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At
least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were
opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
newspaper headline read:



IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

 

[wally2450]

You know you are Italian

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to
America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY..

You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325 pounds, shave
twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two
cappicola
sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer
are
all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five
of
those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother
had
an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:

. Your grandfather had a fig tree.

. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

. Plastic on the furniture is normal.

. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

. You've called someone a "mamaluke."

. And you understand "bada bing"

 

[wally2450]

In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and
a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big,
my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynecologist: "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."

 

[wally2450]

What do you call the sweat that is produced when two rednecks are
having sex?
Relative humidity.

 

[His lil secret]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At
least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were
opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
newspaper headline read:



IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

roflmaooooo !!!!

 

[wally2450]

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth
going bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that one falling victim to
temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and
one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity-one of the girls must
be quite ill."

 

[wally2450]

YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN...
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
- Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more
beer.
- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
- You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you
park the bike.
- You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe
it off.
- Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the
basement.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- Any day you ride is a good day.
- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
- You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike
home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
- You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike
home.
- Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
- You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike
in and does doughnuts in the living room.
- You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
- You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike
will start.
- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can
walk.
- Your garage has more square footage than your house.
- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines
on it.
- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
- Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
- All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.

 

[wally2450]

Class Reunion

Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not
seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as
to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high
school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I
do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, Marilyn."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high
school class ring you thought you lost!"

 

[wally2450]

Two Trees



It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word

or two in it, but, here is one:



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in

the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,

and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a

beech or a son of a birch?"



The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker

lands on the sapling.



The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a

birch?"



The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He

replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of

a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have

ever put my pecker in.

 

[wally2450]

According to a new study, a record number of babies are being born in
cars on the L, A. Freeways. The traffic is so bad that women can?t
reach the hospital in time. This is the only place in the world where
you can conceive in the back seat, have the baby in the passenger
seat and die of old age in the traffic in the driver?s seat. It?s the
cycle of life. (Jay Leno)

 

[wally2450]

The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be
friends." the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with
a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" The wise old
lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not
quite so often.

 

[wally2450]

Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine
months

 

[wally2450]

Three male Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow

and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the

vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.



The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why

are you here?"



The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on

everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the

kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed

in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"



Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown

lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."



The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked,

"Why are you here?"



The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under

fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the

hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big

hole in my owner's couch."



So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab

inquired.



"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected

yellow lab said.



The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked,

"Why are you here?"



I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump

anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,

postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and

was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't

help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping

away".



The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and

said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"



The black lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

[wally2450]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[wally2450]

The Black Box

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly
funded a project with the U.S. automakers (GM and Ford) for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in
4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different, where
89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try
somethin."

 

[wally2450]

Top Signs You're A Slut.....

. You become a K-Y spokesperson.

. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.

. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...

....just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

. When they change your area code to 6969.

. Tetracycline is your best friend.

. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".

. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door.

. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

. When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples.

. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

. When your ceiling mirrors fog.

. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

. Madonna comes to you for pointers.

. When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink.

.When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.

. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"

. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

 

[wally2450]

US Corporate Policy

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion about getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, plus extra vacation days for practices, and also bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

 

[Highsided]

US Corporate Policy

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion about getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, plus extra vacation days for practices, and also bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

Welcome to local Government​

 

[wally2450]

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful
to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later
question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he
asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually
asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be
his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife
reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating
mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a
real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

 

[wally2450]

My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me
cigars!