Jokes

[wally2450]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

 

[wally2450]

Rednecks are much more likely to have good sex on their wedding night
than other people. You're always going to feel more comfortable with
a relative you grew up with!

 

[wally2450]

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

 

[wally2450]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped
by the police.

"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the
cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do
it."

The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching
the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're giving now!

 

[wally2450]

Quick Thinker

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

 

[wally2450]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

 

[wally2450]

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[wally2450]

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Dear Employee

Many of the members of the hiring committee had reservations when we hired you 6 years ago. But we tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. Recently, we've had a number of complaints about your performance from nearly everyone you interface with. Please consider this your final warning.

Customer Service We have numerous complaints from both internal and external customers. Internally, people feel that you are not a team player and are more interested in covering your ass and accruing power than working for the greater good. External customers tell us that you completely refuse to work with them unless there's something in it for you. There is suspicion of collusion with competitors.

Arrogance Over and over again, we hear from employees and customers alike that you make it clear you don't feel that you're accountable to anyone except the stockholders. When asked to sign off on company policy, you add ridiculous side notes indicating that the rules apply to everyone but you.

Requests for Help Several of your divisions have been through difficult times. When pressured, you make commitments to help, but the help never seems to arrive.

Company Policy This company was built on some very basic principles. Your actions have worked to undermine our conduct and our reputation. We are no longer trusted to treat customers fairly and are often suspected of dirty tricks. You have also engaged us in frivolous lawsuits that are very expensive and result in a loss of stability for the company..

Attendance You take more vacation and time than any of your predecessors. You claim you are on call, but on more than one occasion, you refused to cut your vacation short when one of our divisions was dealing with a major crisis. The New Orleans division is not likely to recover from this lack of action.

Personnel Where to start with this one? You have chipped away at all of the benefits this company was so proud to offer particularly to our retirees and workers compensation cases. You have been known to fire personnel who do not exhibit personal loyalty to you and then blame others for handling the firings badly.

Accountability You are not known to accept responsibility easily, rather you shift the blame to someone who reports to you when things go wrong. When legitmitately criticized, you blame the critics for trying to undermine you.

All in all Mr. Bush, your performance is unacceptable on many levels. Recently, many of the people who advocated hiring you have indicated that they regret that choice. Please remember that you work for us, not the other way around, or we will have to refer your status to the appropriate department and consider dismissal.

The People of the United States of America

 

[wally2450]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a girl who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another girl and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a girl who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

 

[wally2450]

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would
make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation
responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound
up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the
host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen,
Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after
several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy
sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left,
the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did
you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was
telling you to let my people go!"

 

[wally2450]

I used to work for a boss who was a tyrant. One day I made a big
mistake on a project we were working on and he started yelling at me,
and said that I screwed up months worth of work in 4 hours. I felt
bad for a few seconds then responded with, "See, I really do make a
difference around here."

 

[wally2450]

in ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom

one day the great philosopher came upon an old friend who ran up to him excitedly and said 'Socrates, do you know what i just heard about one of your pupils?'

'wait a minute' said socrates 'before you tell me i would like you to pass a little test called the triple filter test'

'triple filter?'

'thats right' Socrates continued 'before you tell me about my pupil lets take a moment to filter what you are going to say. the first filter is truth. have you made absolutly sure that what you are going to tell me is true?'

'no' says the man 'actually, i only just heard it'

'so you dont know its true....now lets try the second filter, the filter of goodness. is what you are going to tell me about my pupil something good?'

'no, on the contary.....'

'so...you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you dont know its true'

the man shrugged, feeling a little embarressed

socrates continued 'you may still pass the final filter......the filter of usefullness.....is what you are going to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'no....not really.....'

'well....' says the great man 'if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor useful....why tell me it all?'

the man was defeated and ashamed, this is the reason why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

it also explains why he never found out Plato was shagging his wife

 

[Succulent-one]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit, and asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

The father told the son he'd make a deal: "You bring your grades up from a
C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm real proud. You brought
your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but
I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John
the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong
argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere
they went?"

 

[sethp]

that was good!

 

[wally2450]

I was showing one of the waitresses in our local gin mill how to fold
a napkin to look like a swan when the girl, a rather gorgeous young
thing, batted her eyes and commented, "You have the most delicate,
slender hands. Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did I forgive her, later on I obliged her.

 

[wally2450]

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE RELIGIOUS WAY
How many religious people does it take to change a light
bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve
the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried
chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk
about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to
do it.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have
found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem
or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next
Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life,
and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of
your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish
to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish :
What's a light bulb?

 

[Succulent-one]

3 contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400
for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the White House official.

 

[wally2450]

Ain't it the truth. Right out of a Dilbert strip.


In the Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And The Plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. “It is a crock of shit and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto the Supervisors and sayeth, “It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, “It is a container of excrement and it is very strong. Such that none may abide it.”

And the Managers went unto the Directors and sayeth, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it.”

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents. And sayeth unto them, “It promotes growth, and is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President. And sayeth unto him, “This new Plan will actively promote the growth And efficiency of this Company
And in these areas in particular.”

And the President looked upon the Plan. And he saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens!

 

[wally2450]

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted.

 

[wally2450]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted.

 

[wally2450]

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked . . . "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count asshole?!"

 

[TheOverlord]

I was showing one of the waitresses in our local gin mill how to fold
a napkin to look like a swan when the girl, a rather gorgeous young
thing, batted her eyes and commented, "You have the most delicate,
slender hands. Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did I forgive her, later on I obliged her.

great one!

 

[MsTexas]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted.

LMFAO

Excellent!