Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well, bless your hearts! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?"

 

[Succulent-one]

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

 

[Succulent-one]

The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom"?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

 

[Succulent-one]

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out number 11. It takes the prize and #3 is runner up.

****************************************************

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes to support these
single Mothers.

 

[Succulent-one]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that

3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.



To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face. Then

he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost

whimpering.



Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

 

[Succulent-one]

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

Her husband takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asked.

She answered, "Because I'm dead."

The husband asked

"What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"

She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insisted, "You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

 

[Succulent-one]

Seven Kinds Of Sex


Did you know that recent research shows

that there are 7 kinds of sex ?



The 1st kind of sex is called:

Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens

when you first meet someone and

you both have sex until you are blue in the face.



The 2nd kind of sex is called:

Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have

been with your partner for a short

time and you are so horny you will

have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.



The 3rd kind of sex is called:

Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have

been with your partner for a long

time. Your sex has gotten routine

and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.



The 4th kind of sex is called:

Hallway Sex.

This is when you have

been with your partner for too

long. When you pass each other in

the hallway you both say "Screw you!"



The 5th kind of sex is called:

Religious Sex,

which means you get

Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night!



The 6th kind is called:

Courtroom Sex.

This is when you

cannot stand your wife any more.

She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone!



And last, but not least, the 7th

kind of sex is called:

Social Security Sex.

You get a

little each month. But not enough to live on!

 

[Succulent-one]

Three blonde women were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked
at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her
face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right, Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

 

[Succulent-one]

An older nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great.....just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

 

[Succulent-one]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying
to get a stay of execution for a client, named Walter Wright, who was
due to be hanged for murder at midnight . His last-minute plea for
clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What
time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured
himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and
was told that her husband's client, Walter Wright, had been granted
his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had,
she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically,
"For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Seven, of course - 6 Saturdays, and 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and Refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic Or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids Will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a Retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but Misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

 

[Succulent-one]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with

the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require

a hip replacement.



The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same

day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.



The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an

appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then

gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally

has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.


Why the different treatment for the two patients?



The first is a Golden Retriever; the second is an elderly man.

 

[wally2450]

First day of school

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991"

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, and someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher asked "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006."

 

[Succulent-one]

Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says. "You idiot! ......You're sitting on the mop bucket"

 

[wally2450]

Big Game Hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any
animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After
feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a . 308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7 mm MGA Rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, Skunk, killed with an ax."
__________________

 

[Succulent-one]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This
is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California )
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came
about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school
and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing
grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30
times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to
pass their classes.

The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of
your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up
and have a nice day!
If you can read this - thank a teacher!

 

[Succulent-one]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

 

[Succulent-one]

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little
old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout .. and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into
someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk."It can't be that much ! I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
DO NOT TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES

 

[Succulent-one]

CLASS REUNION

I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman
would.
I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing
that all the extra
weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me
with my sleek, trim,
high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful
cellulite
collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.


I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I
could probably fit
into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the
attic, I pulled
the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly
downstairs, ran my
hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.

I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and
thought, "Well,
okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." bodies
never have pockets
where you need them.

Bra vely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the
shimmering dress
and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted,
turned, and pulled
and I got the formal all the way up to my knees...
before the zipper
gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that
dress with those
silver sandals again and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for
this affair. No
way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into
the corner, I
turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at
Saks: the scented
shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo
&conditioner,
and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my
hair would look
like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup --the under eye "ain't no lines here"
firming cream, the
all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with
wrinkle filler
spackle; th e all day" kiss me till my lips bleed, and
see if this gloss!
will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for
that special glow.

But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could
feel the wrinkles
shuddering in fear.

OK, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming
shower, soaped,
lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed
and scoured my body to a
tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face
with the anti-wrinkle, gravity
fighting, "your face will look like a baby's
posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot
rollers.

I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in
this instance, my
underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my
glistening body, I pulled out
the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing,
hamhock-rounding
girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like
they're filled with helium bra."

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and
be gan the plunge. I
pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked,
twisted, shimmied,
hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar
crawled and kicked.
Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it
didn't look bad. So
I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my
behind? It was
tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby
buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps,
and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns
to my knees. But I was firm!

Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't
a snap crotch.
From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was
ready to rip it
open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the
pain factor from past
experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly
sidestepped to the bathroom.

An hour later, I had answered nature's call and
repeated the struggle
into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered
what the saleslady said to do. I
could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten
the bra in the
front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it
should be
worn--straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and
gently place both
breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands.
But, with
confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over
and pulled the
bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no
sooner tuck one in a cup, and
while placing the other, the first would slip out. I
needed a strategy. I bounced up
and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with
short bunny hops,
but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began
rocking gently back
and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to
swinging. ! Finally, on the
fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding
glands. Quickly
fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for
examination. Back
strai ght, slightly arched, I turned and faced the
mirror, turning front,
and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have
lift up! My breasts
were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy
until I tried to
look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my
feet.
I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes.
Oh...why did I buy heels
with buckles?

Then I had to pee again.

! I put on my sweats, fixed myself a coke, ordered
pizza, and skipped the reunion!

IF THIS DID NOT GIVE YOU A GOOD LAUGH - YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!

 

[wally2450]

A group of nuns

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "Son...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."

At that, the car floated up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No,"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes,"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No,"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter,"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME"

 

[Succulent-one]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty one day. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned
him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially
the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive
supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these
low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared
to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain
decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling
techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next
briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
got da normal GI insurans an' you go to Iraq an' get youself killed, da
governmen' gonna pay youbeneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental insurans, which cost
you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?"

 

[Succulent-one]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 

[Succulent-one]

Woe's of a nudist

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says: Thank you for the picture. You should consider changing your hair style though... it makes your nose look short.

Love, Gramma

 

[Succulent-one]

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

Your Clothes:
1st baby:You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
Confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your
eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
________________ ______________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick
Up the baby.
2nd bab y: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on
the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
It or not.
2nd baby : You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend
a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!