Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you,that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate ?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Kelly twins are drunk again!

 

[Succulent-one]

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly. "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement

 

[Succulent-one]

How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

 

[Succulent-one]

"Ben, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?", the teacher asked.

Ben replied, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Jerry, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry but I really need to go to the bathroom-I will be right back."

The teacher responded, "That is better but it is still not very polite to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."


"And you Jim? Are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you will get to meet after dinner."

 

[Succulent-one]

Montana Farming

A Montana farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with mom and dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."

"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

 

[Succulent-one]

A Letter to My Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and my food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and your dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

 

[Succulent-one]

Breakfast

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for
breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for
breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to
me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the
kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

 

[Gem_tiger]

Priceless, babe, just priceless !!!

It's just a shame that you are doing all the work here .......................

C'mon you guys, don't leave it up to S-1 to make us laugh ... you all know some jokes, so let's see them .......

 

[Succulent-one]

TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG



Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?



Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?



Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?



Dear God: If a dog barks his head o! ff in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?



Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?



Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.



Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?



Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.



1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.



2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.



3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.



4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.



5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.



6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.



7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.



8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.



9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.



10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".



11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.



12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.



13. I will not throw up in the car.



14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.



15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.



16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.



And, finally, My last two questions . .



Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

 

[Succulent-one]

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

[Succulent-one]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....





"Clean my house."

 

[Succulent-one]

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator".
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down)
The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.
"Yesh, I yam", he said.
The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."
Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator". "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"
Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!"
"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in!!!!!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

Buddy

 

[Succulent-one]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement-- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
!

 

[Succulent-one]

Almost a millionaire


When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.



So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.



Her natural beauty took his breath away.



I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her

but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."





Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.





Women are so much smarter than men...........

 

[Succulent-one]

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN ? ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks,something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting th! e fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, s! lightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then """"""""""BOOOO OOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...

(Newspaper item from Wisconsin)

 

[Succulent-one]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"



Here goes:




(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

[Succulent-one]

George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they
come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it.
Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?" She replies, "New
baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.

"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?" The little girl says,
"Republicans." Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and
continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl
Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says,
"Watch this, Karl --- it's really cute." They approach the little girl.
Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says,
"Fine."

Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl,
"And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?" She replies,
"Democrats." Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were
Republicans!" "I know," she sa ys. "But now their eyes are open"...

 

[Succulent-one]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says,
"I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

 

[Succulent-one]

Room 302

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.

 

[biggbear8]

The Perfect Password:

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each
time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in....

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

[Succulent-one]

TWO BLONDES WITH HAMMERS.

Two blondes with hammers, Becky and Sally Ann, were doing some carpentry work on a house. Becky, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Water and Wine Education



WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that

if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of

one year we will have absorbed more than 1 kilo of

Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other

words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.



However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine

(or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors,) because

alcohol has to go through a distillation process of

boiling, filtering, and fermenting.



Therefore,



WATER = Doo Doo



WINE = HEALTH



Free yourself of Doo Doo. Drink WINE!



It is far better to drink wine and talk shit than to

drink water and be full of shit.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable

information, I am doing it as a public service.



Have a nice (Hic) day

 

[Succulent-one]

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to
the following questions... Be sure to read the story at the end.....

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the
world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on
beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?


Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of
that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it
and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.