Jokes

[cymbline]

Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your
mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons..
When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve.'

 

[Succulent-one]

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

 

[Succulent-one]

Executive decision:
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Suzy or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Suzy came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Suzy, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Suzy replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache

 

[Succulent-one]

Bumper Stickers



These (B)umper (S)tickers are all funny, but some will depend on your personal point of view. Please don't forget, "Where ya' stand depends on where ya' sit ! "


"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND Lastly:

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON."

 

[Succulent-one]

New Boss
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and says, "Here's four weeks pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Not too bad for one pizza delivery, huh?

 

[Succulent-one]

Tree huggers & Cowboys

There is no arguing with this cowboy logic.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It
seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of
shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane"
solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This
was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by
the Sierra Club and the USFS . All of the ranchers thought about this
amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin'
our sheep - they're eatin' 'em".

 

[Succulent-one]

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!

PART TWO:

Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."



BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!

PART THREE:



Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der vas Sven with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting . . . . . and now Lars tries hengliding . . . .

 

[cymbline]

Errors of assumption?


An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and
asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough
to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he
proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities
of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at
him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask
this question, Honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a
couple of secs."

 

[Succulent-one]

Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided
to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one
look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the
first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting
two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk they won't
know
the difference."
The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they
are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was
dead!""Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?""Well, she
never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.."His
friend
says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" Well, I was making love
to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she
farted
and she flew out the window

 

[LustfulOne50]

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Excerpts From The Dog's Daily Diary"

a.. 8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

b.. 9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

c.. 9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

d.. 10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

e.. 11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

f.. 12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

g.. 1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

h.. 4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

i.. 5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

j.. 5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

k.. 6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

l.. 6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!



"Excerpts From The Cat's Daily Diary"

Day 283 Of My Captivity.

a.. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

b.. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

c.. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

d.. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

e.. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.

f.. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

g.. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

h.. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

i.. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

 

[cymbline]

It's not too often that you hear a joke about
blonde guys...


Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was
amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were
doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it
-- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind
and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in
sick."

 

[Succulent-one]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs as soon as possible due to avery serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her and few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 Pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after
her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 Pound program, "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good in years."


The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck "If I
catch you, your mine."

 

[Succulent-one]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer; I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

 

[LustfulOne50]

Voo...What

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.

"Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."

But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.

"Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."

And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.

"Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?"

"This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise."

All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door."

The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.

Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box."

The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?"

"Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale."

"Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$
500." "No, I cannot." "$
700." "I am sorry." "$
1000." "Well, ok."

So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man.

The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.

With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.

While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.

"Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer.

"Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it."

To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

 

[Succulent-one]

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view
was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in
Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your
5th drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the
house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me
sister."

 

[Succulent-one]

The difference between "GUTS & BALLS" is sometimes very perplexing. Like "man, that guys got guts" or "man, that really took balls to do that". Perhaps you can't have one without the other and maybe they're one and the same, though anatomically located in different areas of the body, but well, here's what I think.

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning -- or were you getting ready to fly off somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next

 

[preacher.mk]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer; I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

you got that right
if you can't get to a man's heart
though his stomach.

then smack him like his momma did/does
just to get my attention

 

[cymbline]

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, 'Oh my gosh! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

 

[Succulent-one]

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!. Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL'EM APART !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."

 

[Succulent-one]

A Heart Warming Seniors Story


Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old, and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Age! d. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked me if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters

 

[Succulent-one]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several ! times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

 

[carrie-on]

I borrowed this from a friend who sent it to me in an email today...Thought it was pretty funny!!

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

 

[Succulent-one]

I borrowed this from a friend who sent it to me in an email today...Thought it was pretty funny!!

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

~SNORT~ I may have to give that a try...... I wonder if I could get away with it.

 

[treebeardgarden]

1st attempt at a joke here hope you like it.

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 A man walks into a drug store
with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these,
Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school."


He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for
Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for
February, one for March......."