LustfulOne50
Romantic Scribe
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- Dec 17, 2004
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- 35,978
Abner Devereaux said:
How do you know MJ is having a party.........all the Big Wheels parked in the driveway.
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
How do you know MJ is having a party.........all the Big Wheels parked in the driveway.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Posts
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LustfulOne50
Romantic Scribe
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2004
- Posts
- 35,978
Succulent-one said:
Nice site Succulent-one..
I didn't do bad I guess I have had plenty of practice at image recognition...LOL
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said,"I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said,"Well, then why are you crying?"
She said,"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said,"Well, why are you crying?"
She said,"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said,"Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said,"I can't remember where I live!"
I said,"Well, then why are you crying?"
She said,"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said,"Well, why are you crying?"
She said,"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said,"Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said,"I can't remember where I live!"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,"How soon do you need to know?"
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,"How soon do you need to know?"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
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- 4,656
A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.
A woman answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.
The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press 9 first."
A woman answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.
The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press 9 first."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however,
realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list
of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his
head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however,
realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list
of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his
head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
LustfulOne50
Romantic Scribe
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- Dec 17, 2004
- Posts
- 35,978
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....
"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....
"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
LustfulOne50
Romantic Scribe
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- Dec 17, 2004
- Posts
- 35,978
Making The Rounds
A surgeon is talking to a blonde who is about to undergo an operation.
"Do you have any questions?" the doctor asks.
"Yeah, how long before I can get back to a normal sex Life?"
"I hadn't really thought about that," say the surgeon.
"After a tonsillectomy, I'd say about a week."
A surgeon is talking to a blonde who is about to undergo an operation.
"Do you have any questions?" the doctor asks.
"Yeah, how long before I can get back to a normal sex Life?"
"I hadn't really thought about that," say the surgeon.
"After a tonsillectomy, I'd say about a week."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town
in west Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an
older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a
bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks,
"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler
and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too"
in west Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an
older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a
bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks,
"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler
and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in
my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as
sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are
sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop
in my neighborhood.!
Air bag's ?Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my
eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many
places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored
life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in
my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as
sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are
sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop
in my neighborhood.!
Air bag's ?Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my
eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many
places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored
life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
10 Best Pick-up Lines
Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special
My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together
You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles
I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole
Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks
Return to
http://www.cybergifs.com/dogs/doglaugh.gif
Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special
My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together
You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles
I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole
Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks
Return to
http://www.cybergifs.com/dogs/doglaugh.gif
Mrs. Shapiro, the Matchmaker, goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!", says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
"Mr. Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!", says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."
These two guys had both just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well, take the boards with you and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well, take the boards with you and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because! she can still drive!"
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because! she can still drive!"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness ! gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No,no,no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness ! gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No,no,no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last 10 minutes."
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last 10 minutes."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked.
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked!
"Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her.
He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked.
He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Billy Bob then says:
"Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked.
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked!
"Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her.
He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked.
He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Billy Bob then says:
"Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
The Cremated Husband...
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
" Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes...
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
" Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes...
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Yourstock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think
is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Yourstock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think
is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?
"The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?
"The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone the lady requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Now that's cute!
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone the lady requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Now that's cute!
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
I gotta tell you, I find it hard to understand how the world works of late ..... For instance;
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40-years and die of lung cancer, your wife and family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashed into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If a friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacture.
And, if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit of an airplane and tries to shoot the pilot at 38,000 feet, and the passengers kill the crazed individual, his mother blames the airlines.
I think I may have lived too long to understand the world as it is today.
So, let me say, if I die, while my wrinkled old ass is parked in front of my computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates ..... okay?
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40-years and die of lung cancer, your wife and family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashed into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If a friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacture.
And, if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit of an airplane and tries to shoot the pilot at 38,000 feet, and the passengers kill the crazed individual, his mother blames the airlines.
I think I may have lived too long to understand the world as it is today.
So, let me say, if I die, while my wrinkled old ass is parked in front of my computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates ..... okay?
