Jokes

[Joey3308]

Blonde Parking

Norman and his wife live in Minneapolis. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out and Norman's wife is very upset.

With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With all the love and understanding in his voice that only a man who is married to a blonde can exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[Succulent-one]

trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"




The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.



The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"



The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 

[Succulent-one]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out
laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Debbie!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity".


The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

 

[Succulent-one]

MARRIED LIFE

A man and a woman, who have never met

before, find themselves assigned in the same

sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy

over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall

asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she

in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes

the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother

you, but would you be willing to reach into the

closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just

for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn

blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Succulent-one]

widdle wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle
wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white
wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that
cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my
python weally gives a cwap."

 

[Succulent-one]

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in National Forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me
All the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

 

[Succulent-one]

Subject: FW: Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds
All Day.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To

Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called
Therapy...

 

[Succulent-one]

Parents, Teens and Cats

For all with teenagers (or who have had teenagers), you likely can
confirm that teens and cats have a lot in common...

* Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by
name.

* No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all
humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of
waiting on them hand and foot.

* You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult
human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her
right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

* Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor
your teen will ever crack a smile.

* Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.

* Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

* Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

* Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

 

[carrie-on]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a
few hits.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a
drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he
leans over and falls into the water.

A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the
side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says.... "Fuuuuuuuuck,......DUDE,.......how
much water did you drink?!!"

 

[carrie-on]

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.



All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl Standing in front of his bed.



"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.





"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."



"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."



"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."



Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.



"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.



And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.



"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"



"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."



"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"



"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.



"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."



Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.



"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:



"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

 

[carrie-on]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[Succulent-one]

A Young Nun Named Sister Margaret Mary, Who Works For A Local Home
Health Agency Was Out Making Her Rounds When She Ran Out Of Gas. As Luck
Would Have It A Gas Station Was Just A Block Away. She Walked To The
Station To Borrow A Can To Start With And Drive To The Station For A
Fill Up.
The Attendant Regretfully Told Her The Only Gas Can He Owned Had Been
Loaned Out But If She Would Wait It Was Sure To Be Back Shortly.
Since The Nun Was On The Way To See A Patient She Decided Not To Wait
And She Walked Back To The Car. After Looking Through The Car For
Something To Fill With Gas, She Spotted A Bedpan She Was Taking To The
Patient.
Always Resourceful She Carried It To The Station, Filled It With
Gasoline, And Carried It Back To Her Car. As She Was Pouring The Gas
Into The Tank Two Men Were Watching From Across The Street. One Turned
To The Other And Said, "if It Starts, I'll Become A Catholic".

 

[veryblueeyes]

Why men wonder why it takes women so long in the restroom

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a
> >
> > little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to
> >
> > wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd
> >
> > carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
> >
> > Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public
> >
> > toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which
> >
> > consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting
> >
> > position without actually letting any of your flesh make
> >
> > contact with the Toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have
> >
> > wet down my leg and we'd go home.
> >
> >
> >
> > That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature
> >
> > years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain
> >
> > when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to
> >
> > "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that
> >
> > makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's
> >
> > underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at
> >
> > all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and
> >
> > smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check
> >
> > for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.
> >
> > Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly
> >
> > knocking down the woman leaving the stall.. You get in
> >
> > to find the door won't latch.
> >
> >
> >
> > It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook,
> >
> > yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief.
> >
> > More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake.You'd love
> >
> > to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
> >
> > the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The
> >
> > Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would
> >
> > register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your
> >
> > mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet
> >
> > paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You
> >
> > remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
> >
> > that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble
> >
> > it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller
> >
> > than your thumbnail.
> >
> >
> >
> > Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch
> >
> > doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head.
> >
> > "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door,
> >
> > dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward,
> >
> > directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but
> >
> > it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with
> >
> > all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because
> >
> > YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was
> >
> > any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother
> >
> > would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her
> >
> > bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
> >
> > frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could
> >
> > get." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back
> >
> > of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up
> >
> > a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly
> >
> > sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
> >
> > the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to
> >
> > China.
> >
> >
> >
> > At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the
> >
> > splashing water.You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a
> >
> > Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink
> >
> > out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out
> >
> > how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so
> >
> > you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
> >
> > walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged
> >
> > and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind
> >
> > soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
> >
> > trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as
> >
> > the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your
> >
> > shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly,
> >
> > "Here, you might need this."
> >
> >
> >
> > At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used
> >
> > and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and
> >
> > Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he
> >
> > asks, annoyed.. This is when you kick him sharply in the
> >
> > shin and go home.
> >
> >
> >
> > This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever
> >
> > had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally
> >
> > explains to all you men what takes us so long.
> >
> >
> > PS - The answer to the other question, why women go in
> >
> > pairs.... So the other woman can hold the door and hand
> >
> > you Kleenex

 

[Denae]

Veebs--I'm laughing so hard because it's so true. And those automatic sensors--god I hate them.

 

[Joey3308]

Male/Female Definitions

THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION
Female: The open, sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
the boys.

BUTTOCKS
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look
bigger.
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

REMOTE CONTROL
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

 

[veryblueeyes]

> Subject: Timbuktu
>
>
> The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists;
>
> a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word,
> then
allowed
> two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained
> the
word.
> The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU."
>
> First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and
> said:
>
> Trekked a lonely caravan
> Men on camels,
> two by two
> Destination -
> Timbuktu.
>
> The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
> thought.
The
> redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
>
>
> Me and Tim a-huntin' went
> Met three whores in a pop-up tent
> They was three,
> and we was two
> So I bucked one, and
> Timbuktu
>
>
> The redneck won hands down.
>

 

[Joey3308]

Church Announcements

Once again, Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

- Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

- Thursday night-potluck supper. Prayer medication to follow.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

- For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

- Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

- Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in the private study.

- This being Easter Sunday, we ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

- The ladies of the chuch have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement.

- A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

- The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

- Pastor is away. Massages can be given to church secretary.

- Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

- The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

- The Men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

- The minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I've Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

[Abner Devereaux]

Joke of the day...

The difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went to his father and asked, "What's the difference between
potentially and realistically." The father answered, "Go ask your mother
if she'd sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one million
dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Denzel
Washington for one million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!" Then the boy went
to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for
one million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, my gosh! I'd be nuts to
pass that up!"

The boy thought about it and went back to his dad. His father asked him
if he'd found the difference between potentially and realistically."
The boy replied, "Yes. "Potentially' we're sitting on two million
dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two hoe's."

 

[carrie-on]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and
jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.

 

[carrie-on]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 15 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

 

[carrie-on]

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary has flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"

"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

 

[carrie-on]

A man sits down at a diner counter and, when the waitress arrives, orders a bowl of chili. The waitress brings the chili but, the man notices, her thumb is in the chili. "Uh, ma'am", asks the customer, "may I ask what your thumb is doing in my bowl of chili"? "Well", answers the waitress, "I went to the doctor today, and he said I have arthritis in my thumb.....and to keep it in something warm every chance I got". Outraged, the customer retorts, "Well, then....why don't you shove it up your ass??" The waitress smiles, and says, "I DO when I'm back in the kitchen".

 

[carrie-on]

An elderly couple were sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about - tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


She hesitates a while and then says, "Yes, three times."



Three times? How did it happen?" the man asks.



The wife begins slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house? 'Yes, that was really a terrible time," he replies. The wife continues, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"



"It is hard to take," the man says, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you. What was the second time?"



"Well," she continues, "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?" "Yes, I do," the man replies. "Then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" the wife continues.



"Yes," says the husband. "That shocks me too, but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But what was the third time?"





The wife lowers her head and says, "Remember when you ran for Exalted Ruler of the Elks and needed 62 more votes..."