Jokes

[Succulent-one]

COWBOY WISDOM

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you
bounce.

Keep skunks, lawyers and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll
enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets,
the harder it is to swallow.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you
shave his face in the mirror every morning.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a
whole lot bigger'n you think.

Only cows know why they stampede.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

be happy

 

[Joey3308]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy sitting at a bar figures he's had enough to drink so he decides that it is time for him to go home.

He drunkenly tries to stand up but falls down.

He tries again, and again he falls down, so he figures he'll just crawl outside and try to stand up then.

When he gets outside, he pulls himself up at a parking meter, but falls down again.

Since he only lives a couple of blocks away, he decides to just crawl home.

When he gets to his front door he tries to get up again, but again he falls down.

Not wanting to wake up his wife, he crawls into his house, up the stairs to his bedroom and into bed and falls asleep.

The next morning, his wife angrily wakes him up saying, "You were drinking last night!"

"No I wasn't" replies the man in mock indignation.

"Don't lie to me," the wife says, "the bar just called and said you left your wheelchair there last night!"

 

[Joey3308]

A seventy-eight-year-old guy is crying in a bar, so the bartender approaches him and asks what's wrong.

The old man answers, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman."

The bartender nods his head, saying, "Don't worry, it may seem that you don't have a lot in common, but maybe this is an opportunity for each of you to grow!"

The old man shakes his head, saying, "No, that's not the problem! We have everything in common! She's smart, funny, and wonderful to be around."

The bartender looks at the man confused, then says, "So you're worried she just married you for your money, then?"

The old man says, "No -- she's an heiress! She has twice the money I do."

The bartender is even more confused now. "Is it a sex problem? I know a great urologist."

The old man just shakes his head and howls, "No, no. We make love morning, noon and night."

The bartender gives him a look of bewilderment and says, "It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, "I can't remember where I live!!!!"

 

[Joey3308]

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You
ain't from around here... where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks,
"A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount dead animals."


... The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys,... he's one of us."

 

[Succulent-one]

Cowboy and the Minister
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After
the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a
drink.
Appalled, the minister replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken
advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips!"

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[jeforest]

k... i'll give you all a chance to give your best responses then i'll add mine...

Q. What's the definition of confusion?

A.

 

[jeforest]

well I guess it's up to me.

drumroll please...................................

Two lesbians in a fish market!!!

i kill me!!!!!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

(This is hilarious; no wonder some people were offended!)

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent
15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

"To complain about what we do - Press 3

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and
responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, Golda, was sitting on a beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" She asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Golda persisted. "Do you like pussy-cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Golda gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[Succulent-one]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young
nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice
but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?

 

[Succulent-one]

Lawsuits


A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I
heard people have sued the tobacco companies
for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for
making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the
tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither, I'm suing Budweiser for
all the ugly people I've slept with."

 

[Succulent-one]

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby : You wear your regular clothes for as long as
possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a
frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind
the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it
away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you
squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three
hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before
others start to complain about the smell or you see
it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket
and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a
sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to
call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing
at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be
sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or
hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding
from the children.

Swallowing Coins :
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush
the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you
carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct
it from his allowance!!

 

[Succulent-one]

Sex Test For Men

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pound in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville - population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

 

[Joey3308]

A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms.

"I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife."

"But what about the smell?" Someone asked.

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

 

[Succulent-one]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"

 

[jpbm1976]

What dose it mean when a West Virginian women has sperm
running out of BOTH sides of her mouth!!.............................
...............................................................her trailer is level

 

[Joey3308]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"

Wish they'd post that on all the walls of the restaraunts

 

[Joey3308]

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got to go fuck the cat."

 

[Succulent-one]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked
into a bar in Clayton, England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink"?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk
slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink."

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around
at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink"?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money
down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!!!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
"I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady
a
drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina"?

The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

 

[Succulent-one]

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers

 

[biggbear8]

Star witness

Legal Issues

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney

Called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

 

[Joey3308]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.

He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.

He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'

"I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

"He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass."

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first..."

 

[Succulent-one]

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."