Jokes

[Joey3308]

http://www.blueshado.com/deadhamster.shtml

You should really warn people to pee BEFORE listening to that.....sooooo funny! I haven't had a laugh like that for a long time

 

[Joey3308]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes
the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm
ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I
lead
17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he
strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops
the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

 

[Succulent-one]

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[Joey3308]

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police arrived.
“My God!" the cop gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

____________________________________________________

 

[Joey3308]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. "But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."


____________________________________________________

 

[Joey3308]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her, they kiss, and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

The woman says, “You can have any teddy from the bottom shelf.”

 

[Succulent-one]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and
Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

[Succulent-one]

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with
that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it,
add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named
it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained
pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It
is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

 

[Joey3308]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone sked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used."

 

[Joey3308]

How To Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so
that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
and raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least 15 minutes as you must make
sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get
it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the
water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and
then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your
pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 

[Succulent-one]

Wal-Mart Husbands

A Wall-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas,
TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how
the store operates.

There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a
catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from
that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to
exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a
husband......

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These
men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and
love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love
kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the
housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and
the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wall-Mart's Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building and have a nice day !

 

[Succulent-one]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

 

[Joey3308]

The Perfect Woman Would Say...

1. I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a
few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to
play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself
new clubs.
19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake.
You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire
and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!

 

[Joey3308]

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a
confessional and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either

 

[Succulent-one]

Into a Belfastpub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight,"

 

[Succulent-one]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

[Succulent-one]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf,"

 

[Joey3308]

So you wanna have a baby...
Here's a little FAQ to help you out!



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).


Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.


Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

[Succulent-one]

The Pharmacist

A woman walks into a pharmacy asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison.

He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She replies, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband who is in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

[Joey3308]

Good Eyes

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor and is asked to read the eye chart,

LUKZACZEWTWUWCKZ.

"Can you read this?" asked the doctor.

"Read it? I know the guy!!"

 

[carrie-on]

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says: We have the Parthenon
The Greek says: We had great Mathematicians
The Italian says: We had the Roman Empire
and so on and so on it went, and then the Greek says: We invented sex
The Italian says: That may be true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.

 

[carrie-on]

My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"

"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."

 

[carrie-on]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

 

[carrie-on]

WORDS WOMEN USE

******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.


LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

[carrie-on]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or
legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood
and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do
you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing
but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this
wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and
speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any
topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I
just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the
truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an
offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great
sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's
insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one
wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not,
but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife
greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what
happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted
up her nightie and began petting her all over,"
reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got
down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my
perch!"