Jokes

[32aa]

Haven't seen a Joke thread in a long time, so i thought I'd start one. I mean with the way things are going and everything, a little humor could go a long way. I've got a whole list of jokes that I've collected from Pinterest, that I'll post if this goes well. So I'll start.

Did you know?
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard a concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 times as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand up.
A woman as already read this entire text... A man is still looking at his thumb.

 

[Privates1stClass]

In case you missed it, there's a humor thread here: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/more-humour.957918/

 

[12oclocktales]

In case you missed it, there's a humor thread here: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/more-humour.957918/

There is also a Jokes thread in the General Board Forum and the Personals Forum. No joke!

 

[32aa]

In case you missed it, there's a humor thread here: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/more-humour.957918/

No, I didn't. Just the same, thought to start something current. But Thanks.

 

[32aa]

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night ."

The doctor says i should be able to see again in about 10 days. The broken arm will take about a month.

 

[StillStunned]

A man is released after years in prison. He dances down the street shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"
A small boy looks at him with disdain. "So what? I'm four."

 

[32aa]

A blonde joke. Hope it's OK.

A blonde city girl name Amy marries a Colorado rancher

One morning on his way to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall in in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when i gets here, OK?"

The rancher left for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the door.

"I came to inseminate the cow," he says.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the rows of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know. How did YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"It's simple," she said, "By the nail that's over the stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what pray tell, is the nail for?"

Amy turns to walk away a sweetly says over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on," she replied.

 

[AG31]

A man is released after years in prison. He dances down the street shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"
A small boy looks at him with disdain. "So what? I'm four."

One of hubby and my's all time favorites!!!!!

 

[AG31]

I posted this a few weeks ago, but it was buried in an unrelated thread.

The prostitute says, "Faster, faster!"

The mistress says, "Lower, lower!"

The wife says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

 

[Cagivagurl]

How do you keep a man in the shower all day?
Hand him a bottle of shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

 

[Cagivagurl]

Why did the man get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?

Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”

 

[Cagivagurl]

Three men walk into a building.
You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.

 

[Comshaw]

I was 'flying' down the road yesterday (i.e. 20 mph over the limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket: $195.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: Priceless

 

[Zootonius]

I posted this a few weeks ago, but it was buried in an unrelated thread.

The prostitute says, "Faster, faster!"

The mistress says, "Lower, lower!"

The wife says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

That reminds me of a line about Pamela Harriman,

"She was described as being 'a world expert on rich men's bedroom ceilings'."

 

[Tio_Narratore]

It was the year of the couple's fortieth anniversary and their sixtieth birthdays. This year, they decided on something different for their two-week summer holiday. He loved the seashore, and she loved the mountains; for thirty-nine years they had compromised, and taken their two-weeks at a lake resort in the Poconos. This year they'd take separate vacations. The husband headed off to Miami Beach while the wife booked a stay at Banff.

A week into the holiday the husband called his wife.

"How are you doing," he asked, adding, "I'm having a great time. I've found myself a twenty-year old girlfriend."

"Funny you should say that," she replied, "I've got myself a twenty-year old boyfriend, and I'm having a better time than you are."

"How can you say that," he asked.

"It's simple arithmetic," she replied. "20 goes into 60 more times than 60 goes into 20."

 

[vagrantx]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to comprehend human speech, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

 

[JeffNoth]

Pessimist: "It can't get any worse..."
Optimist: "Yes, it can!"

 

[lc69hunter]

A pessimist is a man who believes all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes it is true.

 

[Bodington]

Three ladies are walking along the beach of a seaside town. They spot a man sunbathing naked lying supine on his beach blanket with his face covered by a towel to shield him from the sun's rays.
The first woman says, "I can tell he's not my husband."
The second lady says, "You're right honey, he definitely is not your husband."
The third lady says, "Hell, he's not even from this town."

 

[Comshaw]

A Texan walks onto a plane and says to the stewardess, "Howdy! My name is Brown, spelled B-r-o-w-n. I'm 6' 2" tall, I weigh 240 lbs. and I'm white from the top of my head to the tip of my toes and I'm from Texas!"

As he saunters down the aisle he stops and goes through the same speech to every person he meets. Upon finding his seat, he turns to the dapper man in the seat beside him and does it again.

"Howdy partner! My name is Brown, spelled B-r-o-w-n. I'm 6' 2" tall, I weigh 240 lbs. and I'm white from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, and I'm from Texas!"

The smaller man eyes the Texan and replies, "Me name is Patrick Michael Finnigan. I'm 5' 4" tall and weigh 135 lbs. I'm Irish and I'm white from the top of me head to the tips of me toes, except for me asshole, which is brown. Spelled B-r-o-w-n!"


Comshaw

 

[Sinstories]

Three couples go to visit their priest on their wedding anniversary, one married for 50 years, one for 20 years and the last for a year. They all want to know how they can ensure they get into heaven when they die.

The priest tells then that if they abstain from sex for the next three months, he can guarantee that they will go to heaven when they die.

The three couples return after three months and the priest asks them how it went.

The first couple just laughs and says no problem and the priest congratulates them, they'll be going to heaven.

The second couple says it was hard, but because it was so important, they did it and the priest congratulates them, they'll be going to heaven.

The third couple, the husband says "Well we were doing OK for the first couple weeks, but then we were grocery shopping and once I saw her bent over the freezer case....."

The priest answered, "I'm sorry son, I can't guarantee you a place in heaven"

The wife replied, "That's the least of our problems Father, now we're banned from the Piggly Wiggly"

 

[gunhilltrain]

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night ."

The doctor says i should be able to see again in about 10 days. The broken arm will take about a month.

These sound like a Rodney Dangerfield routines. This one from the Tonight Show years ago is easily found on YouTube.

"My wife, I really don't trust her. The other day I got in a cab and told the driver to take me to where the action is. He took me to my house."

 

[Zootonius]

These sound like a Rodney Dangerfield routines. This one from the Tonight Show years ago is easily found on YouTube.

"My wife, I really don't trust her. The other day I got in a cab and told the driver to take me to where the action is. He took me to my house."

Another Dangerfield joke,

My wife, she says she wants money for the kids. So I ask, 'how much you think we can get?'

 

[gunhilltrain]

Another Dangerfield joke,

My wife, she says she wants money for the kids. So I ask, 'how much you think we can get?'

Yeah, that one sounds familiar. He was able to do them with just two sentences at times,

"I think my wife is fooling around. I came home the other day and the parrot said, 'quick, out the window.' "

This one is a classic because it's not just about families, but also how our society as a whole operates.

"My bother-in-law, I wish he'd learn a trade already. That way I'd know what kind of work he's out of."

 

[Privates1stClass]

At a pond near their nursing home, a little old man and a little old lady spent their afternoons watching ducks in the pond. After a couple months, the little old man asked the little old lady if she's hold his penis. This went on for several months.

Then one day, the little old lady noticed the little old man sitting at another park bench further on down with another little old lady, and she was miffed.

Later, back in the nursing home, the first little old lady confronted the little old man and asked, "What's she got that I don't?"

He responded, "Parkinson's."