JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[fraankhardy]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Wyoming. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging Down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[fraankhardy]

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."

Robert: "The artwork."

Teacher: "Very good. And you, Peter?"

Peter: "Her Boobs and tits!"

Teacher: "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Little Johnny?"

Johnny: "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

 

[fraankhardy]

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, and asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two millitary police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the millitary police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

 

[fraankhardy]

Eight year old Little Johnny asked his mother the age-old question:

"How did I get here?"

His mother told him, "God sent you."

"And my cousin Matt ?"

"He sent him also," said the mother.

"Did God send you, too?" asked little Johnny.

"Yes, dear," the mother replied.

"Did God send dad, too?" asked little Johnny.

"Yes, dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" Johnny persisted.

"He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did He send their parents, too?" little Johnny asked.

"Yes, dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone"s so grumpy around here."

 

[fraankhardy]

May, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest.

"He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before."

"Sure that's only his penis May."

"But father there's a purple knob on it."

"That's just the head of the penis May."

"Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?"

"Well for your sake May, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse."

 

[fraankhardy]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.

The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either."

 

[Iceprincess12]

A man calls 911 emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!

After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is ok, I found another one.

 

[fraankhardy]

Four girls took lift in a car full of Engineers. Since no place available, they sat on each boy's lap...

After 5 minutes...

Girl1: Are you an Electronics & Communication Engineer??
Boy1: How do you know??
Girl1: Your tower is communicating with my Unreachable Area.

Girl2: Are you an IT Engineer??
Boy2: How do you know??
Girl2: Your Pen drive is trying to connect with my USB port.

Girl3: Are you a Mechanical Engineer???
Boy3: How do you know??
Girl3: Your Piston is trying to move into my cylinder.

Girl4: Are you a Civil Engineer??
Boy4: How do you know???
Girl4: Your dam has broken and flooded my village....

 

[fraankhardy]

A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"

So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.

Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my dick you're holding."

 

[fraankhardy]

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"

"Much better!" she replies with a smile.

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

 

[fraankhardy]

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

 

[fraankhardy]

The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.

The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"

The driver said, "Sure."

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.

The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"

He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

 

[fraankhardy]

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"

"I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."

 

[fraankhardy]

On the first day of their honeymoon, the young blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?!!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Duncan & Murphy wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them.

Murphy had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.

Murphy said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out."

They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out.

By the time they got to the 10th pub, Duncan said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me."

Murphy replied, "How do you think I feel... I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Little Johnny walked into class sporting a black eye.

The teacher was concerned and asked, "How did you get that?"

Little Johnny explained, "Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad all have to sleep in the same bed. Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' When I said 'No', he slapped my face and gave me a black eye."

The teacher said, "The next time your dad asks if you're sleeping, keep dead quiet and don't answer."

The following morning Johnny came back with two black eyes.

The teacher, by now very worried, asked, "My god, why have you now got two black eyes? I thought I told you to say nothing."

Johnny replied, "Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, you know, at the same time, and mum was breathing heavily, kicking her legs about and squealing like a hyena. Then my dad asked mum, 'Are you coming?' Mum said, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' Dad answered, 'Yes!'

"They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, 'Wait for me, I'm coming too...' and that's when my dad said, 'You little bastard...' and he punched me in the other eye."

 

[fraankhardy]

A lonely woman checked into a resort and decided to call one of the numbers she'd seen advertising regarding male escort services and sensual massages.

She flipped through the phone book, found an ad with a picture of a particularly strapping young man and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" a male voice answered. "How may I help you?"

"I hear you give a great massage, and I'd really like to experience one," the woman said.

"Well, actually, I should just be straight with you. I'm in town, I'm all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys, rubber, leather, whips and everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up and cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I want to do it all. How does that sound?"

"That sounds great," the man replied, "but you need to press 9 to make an outside call... this is Hotel Reception"

 

[Iceprincess12]

Really offensive *WARNING*

1.Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"

2.Why did Hitler kill himself? The Jews sent him the gas bill.

3.What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

4.How do Mexicans take a family portrait? They all gather together on the back of a pickup truck and run a red light!

5.How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek? They don't work in the future, either.

6.Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.

7.What did God say when he made the first black man? "Damn, I burnt one."

8.Q: How do Chinese people name their babies?
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.

9.What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.

10.A good looking 50 year old white man is trying to get laid on reality TV. What show are you watching?
To catch a predator.


Ok, I like to think I am an equal opportunity offender, did I miss anyone?

 

[Kat73]

A guy is talking to his therapist about an issue at work. He tells him he has this strong urge to stick his dick in the meat slicer. After some talk on the subject, the therapist tells him to do it. The next week when the man shows up the therapist asked how it went. The guy said he went to work and put his dick in the meat slicer, the boss walked in and fired them both.

 

[fraankhardy]

Blowjob Etiquettes for Women by a Male

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be sound asleep.

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[fraankhardy]

Blowjob Etiquettes for Men - Kindly written by a woman
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does Not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high schoolgirls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

 

[fraankhardy]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.

So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on,' she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. I inserted my penis into her hole it was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and, splat.... I was done.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown and asked, 'Did you put that condom on?'

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted...

 

[fraankhardy]

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (having sex with a dead person).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

The case was dismissed and the judge announced the following warnings:

For the ladies:: PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.

For the guys: IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!

Case dismissed...

 

[fraankhardy]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."