JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...
- Thread starter jacktar48
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Role2014Play
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If a man speaks in the forest where they is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Kat73
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Two firemen were fucking in a smoke filled room when their captain walked in. He stops and then yells "what the fuck are you doing?"
Fireman #1 says,"well he was suffering from smoke inhalation."
The captain says, "why didn't you give him mouth to mouth?"
Fireman #2 says, "How the hell do you think this got started?"
Fireman #1 says,"well he was suffering from smoke inhalation."
The captain says, "why didn't you give him mouth to mouth?"
Fireman #2 says, "How the hell do you think this got started?"
jacktar48
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jacktar48
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http://www.getgovernmentoutofgambling.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/arkansas-150x150.png
Arkansas Lottery Winner!
(Losers' home pics are the same except for the limo.)
Arkansas Lottery Winner!
(Losers' home pics are the same except for the limo.)
Kat73
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A young couple gets married, both still virgins. The lady is not sure what to call love making so they decide to call it "doing the laundry". For 30 years this goes on. One night the hubby comes up to his wife and asks if she feels like doing a little laundry. She says maybe later. About an hour after she finds him in his office and tells him she is ready to help with the laundry. He looks up sheepishly and said it was such a small load, he did it by hand.
Role2014Play
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At a medical convention, two doctors meet, flirt, and end up in a hotel room for a night of sex.
After it's all over, the male doctor says, "You must be an OBGYN, because you can really work that pussy."
The female doctor says, "You must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing."
After it's all over, the male doctor says, "You must be an OBGYN, because you can really work that pussy."
The female doctor says, "You must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing."
Role2014Play
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A long married couple are at the super store shopping when he tosses a case of Budweiser into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale," he says. "$10 for 24 cans."
"We can't afford that," she insists. "Put it back."
They continue onward, and a few aisles later, the wife places a $20 jar of face cream in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream," the wife says. "It's makes me look sexy and beautiful for you before sex."
The husband laughs, "So does a case of Bud, and for half the price."
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale," he says. "$10 for 24 cans."
"We can't afford that," she insists. "Put it back."
They continue onward, and a few aisles later, the wife places a $20 jar of face cream in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream," the wife says. "It's makes me look sexy and beautiful for you before sex."
The husband laughs, "So does a case of Bud, and for half the price."
Role2014Play
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A married man is having an affair with his secretary, and following an afternoon of passionate sex at her apartment, they pass out from exhaustion. The husband awakes at half past eight in a panic, remembering that he and his wife had dinner plans.
As he's hurriedly dressing, he tells his secretary, "Take my shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt."
The secretary doesn't understand but does as she's told.
When the man arrives home just after dark, his wife demands, "Where have you been?"
"Honey, I can't lie to you," he says, head bowed in shame. "I've been having an affair with my secretary and we fell asleep at her apartment."
The wife glances down at her husband's dirty shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
As he's hurriedly dressing, he tells his secretary, "Take my shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt."
The secretary doesn't understand but does as she's told.
When the man arrives home just after dark, his wife demands, "Where have you been?"
"Honey, I can't lie to you," he says, head bowed in shame. "I've been having an affair with my secretary and we fell asleep at her apartment."
The wife glances down at her husband's dirty shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
jacktar48
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A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
jacktar48
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A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.
"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."
"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."
Role2014Play
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What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
"Humpme, Dumpme"
"Humpme, Dumpme"
JustaSCOUNDREL
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A young man goes into surgery and while on the table his heart stops, of course, they try to resuscitate and after a very long time they manage to revive him. When he wakes he says. "While I was dead I went to heaven and I saw God.
Naturally everyone wants to know about God but, he refuses until all of the worlds major religious leaders gather around him. When they are all assembled in his room. One of them asks what does God look like.
The young man says. "Well to begin, She is black!"
Not exactly in keeping with the theme of this thread, but I thought it may explain why the man in the forest will always be wrong plus I like the idea of a zing to organised religion.
Naturally everyone wants to know about God but, he refuses until all of the worlds major religious leaders gather around him. When they are all assembled in his room. One of them asks what does God look like.
The young man says. "Well to begin, She is black!"
Not exactly in keeping with the theme of this thread, but I thought it may explain why the man in the forest will always be wrong plus I like the idea of a zing to organised religion.
jacktar48
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A senile old man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down, holding his penis.
A young nurse said, "Why are you doing that?"
He replied, "It died today."
"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied sympathetically.
The next day the man had his penis hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse said, "I thought it died yesterday."
The man replied, "It did. Today is the viewing."
A young nurse said, "Why are you doing that?"
He replied, "It died today."
"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied sympathetically.
The next day the man had his penis hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse said, "I thought it died yesterday."
The man replied, "It did. Today is the viewing."
I
Iceprincess12
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I love tasteless or offensive jokes, but I was hoping it would be funny at least
Role2014Play
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I found a bunch of slutty and/or dumb blonde jokes. I edited some of them out and left only my favorites. If you don't want to read all of them, at least read the last one:
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747?
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What are the last two words of the National Anthem according to a blonde?
A. Play ball!
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your game console?
A. The joystick is wet and sticky.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both fucked.
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell a blonde coed has used your computer to write a term paper?
A. There is white out on the screen.
Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice.
Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. Why are blond jokes so short?
A. So guys can remember them.
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747?
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What are the last two words of the National Anthem according to a blonde?
A. Play ball!
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your game console?
A. The joystick is wet and sticky.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both fucked.
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell a blonde coed has used your computer to write a term paper?
A. There is white out on the screen.
Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice.
Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. Why are blond jokes so short?
A. So guys can remember them.
jacktar48
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This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle.
Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Soon they were on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this he found himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. Accidentally glancing over, he saw a large "W" and "Y" tattooed on the man's tool.
"Wow!" he blurted, "What a coincidence! You must have a girlfriend named Wendy too!"
The Jamaican looked at him suspiciously. "Whachoo talk about, mon?"
"Your tattoo...I couldn't help noticing...it's like mine."
"No mon, not like yours. Dis say, 'Welcome to Jamaica Mon Have a Nice Day.'"
Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Soon they were on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this he found himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. Accidentally glancing over, he saw a large "W" and "Y" tattooed on the man's tool.
"Wow!" he blurted, "What a coincidence! You must have a girlfriend named Wendy too!"
The Jamaican looked at him suspiciously. "Whachoo talk about, mon?"
"Your tattoo...I couldn't help noticing...it's like mine."
"No mon, not like yours. Dis say, 'Welcome to Jamaica Mon Have a Nice Day.'"
fraankhardy
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Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks:
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't! "
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks:
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't! "
fraankhardy
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I woke up this morning and went to the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
fraankhardy
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A woman whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked with suspicion.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked with suspicion.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
fraankhardy
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1. If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Petticoat, panties, pussy... No wonder men suffer from high B P!!!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're screwed.
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got screwed to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life!
2. Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Petticoat, panties, pussy... No wonder men suffer from high B P!!!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're screwed.
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got screwed to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life!
fraankhardy
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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet dreams.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
