JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[Iceprincess12]

Dang it..I was wrong again.....lol

No, you passed, it was a test of a filthy mind

 

[PanamaJaxxx]

No, you passed, it was a test of a filthy mind

lol well in that case....ding ding ding...

I told this joke on the voice thread and it bombed so well there...of course I thought I should repeat it here:

There were two buddies...Bubba and Jim Bob and they loved to hunt. So one early morning...they headed up to the mountain to do some deer hunting.

Now after a couple of hours of being up in his tree stand and drinking several cups of coffee...Jim Bob had to pee. So ...he climbed back down...moved away from his tree...
unzipped his fly...whipped it out and started watering the plants.

What he didn't realize at the time was that he had disturbed a rattlesnake. And as Jim Bob's luck would have it....that damn snake coiled and bit Jim Bob right on his penis.

Bubba heard the most awful scream he had ever heard and looked down to the ground to see Jim Bob jumping around....diving to the ground and writhing in pain.

Bubba couldn't believe his eyes when he found Jim Bob on the ground with his ever-swelling cock in his hand and look of terror in his eyes.

"Bubba!" Jim Bob yelled..."I've been snake bit and need help. Run down to that farm house and ask the old farmer for help....and do it quick!"

Bubba ran as fast he could until he finally and breathlessly found the farmer. He could hardly breathe much less explain the whole situation to the farmer so he chose his words carefully"

"Snake....friend... bit....what to do?"

The farmer totally understood...so while Bubba caught his breath...the farmer shared his wisdom:

"Well...you have a pocket knife don't you?" Bubba nodded his head yes...."Well then you are going to need to take the blade of that knife... pierce the skin and cut an x into each fang bite....then you need to slowly suck out the poison and spit it out."

Bubba shook the farmer's hand and made his way back up to Jim Bob..who was still in a state of panic.

"What did he say.....what DID he say?" Jim Bob demanded.

Bubba just took a long look down at his buddy....looked at his still swelling big ass penis and then cried.....

"He said...You're gonna die you're gonna fucking die!"

 

[jacktar48]

This is one of my favorites from HS. I used to carry a Truly Tasteless Joke Book with me at all times and this was in it. It's rude and totally awful, but... What can I say, I love it!


A couple was up fucking all night long. As they finished their last round the guy was too tired to get up and throw the condom away and so he threw it out the window. After sleeping a few hours, he awoke to the sounds of kids playing. He went to the window and sure enough, one of the kids had the condom in his hand. He shouted, "hey kid, I'll give you $10 for that, um, uh, Twinkie!" The kid said sure and they made the switch. The kid went running home, burst into the house and yelled, "Mom! I just got $10 for a Twinkie and I had already sucked the cream out!"

That is disgusting...

Let me see if I can match it.

Cleatus and Arlo decided to go to the local whorehouse late on Saturday night. As they walked up to the door of the isolated cabin in the woods, Cleatus said, "I only got ten bucks left outta my pay packet. So I hope you got enough for yer own self, 'cuz you ain't getting nothin' from me."

Arlo grinned. "I never paid for it in my life. Just wait and see; I'll be gettin' it for free again."

Cleatus snorted as the door opened and they were admitted to a large, candlelit room where several scantily clad ladies lounged on couches.

An older lady sauntered over to them as they stood ogling the working girls.

"Y'all boys see anything you like? Just fi' dollah fo' a straight fuck, ten fo' haf an haf. An' I'll be takin' that raht now, in cash money, if yuh doan mine."

Cleatus handed her a fistful of greasy dollar bills. Arlo said, "Tell you whut. Give me three minutes alone in yer best girl's room, and I'll tell you how many customers she's had tonight. If I'm right, I get her for free. If'n I'm wrong, I'll give you twenty for a hand-job."

The madam stared at him suspiciously, then peered at the twenty-dollar bill in his hand. "You fulla shit," she said finally. "Go on ahaid then. You ain' gonna go in there an' jack off, though. Tyrone!"

A hulking black man with sullen eyes materialized from the shadows.

"Take this asshole to Shanice's room and give him three minutes alone. Then bring his ass back out here, but if it look like he whacked off in there, I want you to beat the fuck outta him and th'ow him inta the bayou."

Three minutes later Arlo came back wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

"Eight," he said. "An' one of 'em was a big horny bastid."

The madam's eyes widened. "Shit-fahr! How the hell you be knowin' that?"

Arlo shrugged, grinning. "I jus' knows. Ah kin feel it."

"Well, you win then. G'wan over there and sit with Shanice. Yer gonna have to warm her up a little. She about wore out, pore little thang."

Arlo sat on the couch between Shanice and Cleatus, who moved over sulkily.

"How did you know that?" he whispered.

"Easy. I jus' drunk off the water in her douche-bowl and counted the lumps as they went down."

[urp]

 

[jacktar48]

lol well in that case....ding ding ding...

I told this joke on the voice thread and it bombed so well there...of course I thought I should repeat it here:

There were two buddies...Bubba and Jim Bob and they loved to hunt. So one early morning...they headed up to the mountain to do some deer hunting.

Now after a couple of hours of being up in his tree stand and drinking several cups of coffee...Jim Bob had to pee. So ...he climbed back down...moved away from his tree...
unzipped his fly...whipped it out and started watering the plants.

What he didn't realize at the time was that he had disturbed a rattlesnake. And as Jim Bob's luck would have it....that damn snake coiled and bit Jim Bob right on his penis.

Bubba heard the most awful scream he had ever heard and looked down to the ground to see Jim Bob jumping around....diving to the ground and writhing in pain.

Bubba couldn't believe his eyes when he found Jim Bob on the ground with his ever-swelling cock in his hand and look of terror in his eyes.

"Bubba!" Jim Bob yelled..."I've been snake bit and need help. Run down to that farm house and ask the old farmer for help....and do it quick!"

Bubba ran as fast he could until he finally and breathlessly found the farmer. He could hardly breathe much less explain the whole situation to the farmer so he chose his words carefully"

"Snake....friend... bit....what to do?"

The farmer totally understood...so while Bubba caught his breath...the farmer shared his wisdom:

"Well...you have a pocket knife don't you?" Bubba nodded his head yes...."Well then you are going to need to take the blade of that knife... pierce the skin and cut an x into each fang bite....then you need to slowly suck out the poison and spit it out."

Bubba shook the farmer's hand and made his way back up to Jim Bob..who was still in a state of panic.

"What did he say.....what DID he say?" Jim Bob demanded.

Bubba just took a long look down at his buddy....looked at his still swelling big ass penis and then cried.....

"He said...You're gonna die you're gonna fucking die!"

I've heard it before, but you tell it well enough to make me laugh again.

 

[SuddenStop]

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a dirty young man walked up and opened his trench coat.

Well, the first little old lady had a stroke...


And then the second little old lady had a stroke....


But the third little old lady just couldn't reach.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I posted this somewhere before, but it's my favorite blond joke.

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are blind) that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl.

The bouncer is a blonde girl.

I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[jacktar48]

You know your blonde secretary is having a bad day when she can't find her pencil and there's a tampon stuck behind her ear.

 

[jacktar48]

(duplicate)

 

[jacktar48]

My neighbor got a new 'coon hound of which he was most proud, and one night convinced me to go out with him and watch the dog hunt.

The huge blue-tick hound took off through the moonlit woods immediately and we waited until it started baying mournfully.

"He's got one treed," Leroy said. "Come on. You got to see this."

We stumbled through bushes and briers until we reached the tree. The hound was sitting at the base howling, and in the light of a lantern I could see a large raccoon high in the branches. I aimed my .22 at the raccoon and was about to shoot it.

"Hold on; this is what he likes," Leroy said, taking out his raccoon call. "It's a big ol' bull 'coon, and he's going to want to come down and fight it out."

After a few minutes of calling the raccoon began climbing down the tree, growling and snarling, until it reached a low branch and leapt off. The hound caught it in mid-air, but instead of trying to shake it to death as I had anticipated, the dog grabbed it by the back of the neck, pinned it to the ground, and began humping it madly.

"What the hell? I never saw a dog do that before--"

"That's his reward," Leroy chuckled. "Whatever comes out of that tree, he fucks it to death. That's why he's so good at what he does."

We did this a couple more times, and each time it was the same. The dog would tree a bull coon, Leroy would call it down, and the dog would violate it unmercifully until it died.

The tote sack was getting heavy and we decided to quit for the night, but the dog took off again before Leroy could catch it and soon it again began to bay.

"Shit," Leroy said. "I'm going to have to go get him. He'll stay there 'til hell freezes over if I don't."

We found the dog at the base of a huge sycamore and Leroy called and called but the coon wouldn't come down. I couldn't get a bead on it because it kept hiding behind the trunk of the tree no matter where I stood.

"It's a young one," Leroy explained. "They'll just stay up there and hide. I'm going to have to go up there and shake the limb it's on so it will fall off."

Leroy climbed up the gnarled old tree easily, but the raccoon kept moving higher and higher into the very top where the branches were slender and weak. Leroy followed, and as he neared the top he stepped on a rotten branch. It broke and Leroy fell, crashing through the branches and screaming all the way down, "Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!"

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A woman has been married to the same man for over 25 years. They have little money, but they are happy. They WERE happy, that is, when the man suddenly dies unexpectedly.

The grieving woman goes to the mortuary and asks the mortician to do her a favor.

"My husband always wanted a pin striped suit. We never had the money to buy him a nice suit though. Do you think there is any way that he could be placed into the coffin in a pin striped suit?"

The mortician says he will try, but is not making any promises.

The day of the viewing, the mortician goes up to the woman and whispers that they had some luck, and that her husband will be wearing a pin striped suit after all.

The woman cries with joy, then eventually asks the mortician how he did it and how much it'll cost her.

"We got lucky ma'am...so it is free of charge."

"Well, how did you do it?"

"Easy - there was another man of the same build and size as your husband that showed up here. He had requested a cremation...and happened to arrive wearing a pin striped suit!"

"......and the rest was pretty easy....all I did was swap out the heads."

 

[jacktar48]

Sam Clemens was at a boring high-society party after he became famous, and to entertain himself he walked over to the snooty hostess and in front of her friends, said, "You do look ravishing tonight, my dear! Tell me, would you consider sleeping with me for, say, a million dollars?"

She tittered and pretended to hide behind her Chinese fan. "Of course!"

"Well, how about for ten dollars, then?"

She ceased to be amused, and snapped, "How dare you! What do you think I am?"

"We've already established that," Clemens drawled. "Now we're just haggling about the price."

 

[Iceprincess12]

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

lmao.

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

Knock knock

 

[Iceprincess12]

2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"
"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

 

[jacktar48]

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours...

Followed by a global food shortage.

 

[jacktar48]

Q: Why don't the Amish water ski?

A: Because the horses would drown.


Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?

A: A mechanic.


Q: What's an Amish woman's favourite sexual fantasy?

A: Two Mennonite.


Q: How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?

A: Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?


Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?

A: About three degrees.

 

[jacktar48]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." It worked quite well, and in fact they both warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. So did hers.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid..."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"

The daughter says, "I was wondering...do they always make such a mess when they thaw out?"

 

[jacktar48]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[jacktar48]

A dick has a sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy and his owner beats him.

 

[jacktar48]

A group of seven apprentice seamen signed onto a ship for the first time, and pretty soon one kid started to get horny so he went up to the captain and asked,

"What do you guys do when you get horny?"

The captain said, "See that barrel over there with the hole in it? We use that."

The kid said, "OK, I guess. When can I use it?"

"Any day other than Tuesday."

"Why not Tuesdays?"

The Captain grinned and replied, "Because that's your day in the barrel."

 

[jacktar48]

I was in math class and my teacher asked, "What comes after 69?"

Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

 

[Kat73]

I am loving this thread!!!

Someone started a knock knock joke earlier sooo...

Who's There?

 

[Iceprincess12]

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks up to his wife with it and says,

"This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

 

[Iceprincess12]

I could never fight a gay guy. I don't know how to start.

I'm gonna beat your ass...
I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up...
no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that,
I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up