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JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
 
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?






You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

L:rose:
 
hi

Iceprincess12 said:
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
Click to expand...

That made me laugh when ever i thought of it.
 
“A blonde decides to get a porno movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title. When she puts the DVD in and presses 'PLAY,' the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on. Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie. They ask her what the title is, and she replies, "Head Cleaner".
 
Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who was up all night wondering whether there truly was a doG?
 
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
 
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep
 
Gross jokes


A vampire walks into a bar and orders a mug of hot water. The bartender, curious, asks why just hot water? The vampire pulls out a very used tampon and says "Tea time!"

There once was a vampire named Mabel
Whose periods were ever so stable
And every full moon
She'd get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table.
 
A Brit, an American, and a Canadian all walk into a bar and start drinking. As friends tend to do, they began to tell boastful stories. The Brit starts.

"Ey mates, I hail from London. I love me pub. Every pub in London knows me. When I go into the pub and to drink some pints, after I drink two pints the third is always free! Britain is the best, God save the queen!"

The American snorts in disgust. "You fucking limey, you think you're so smart. Well I am from a small town in the good ole' USA, and in the bars in MY town, I go in, and after one drink, the second drink is always free! Go USA!!!"

The Canuck, silent until now, speaks up. "You're both a bunch of stupid pricks. I hail from Canada, and in my home town, you walk in, and the first drink is free. And the second. And the third, and so on. Until you are as shitfaced as you like. And then, in my town, there is a little hotel above the bar. If you like, you get taken upstairs for fucking for free! That's how it is in my home town. Canada is #1!".

The Brit says, "You lying, ungrateful Canuck! I don't believe you." And the American, looking suspicious, says, "You lie! This happened to you?"
The Canuck looks sheepishly at his friends and says, "Well, not exactly. But it happened to my sister a bunch of times."
 
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"
 
Question: Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Answer: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
 
Men jokes

Q: When would you want a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What do you call a man with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
 
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