JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[jacktar48]

A gay man wandered into a seedy bar down by the docks in Houston one morning.

The bar was pretty much deserted except for the bartender and a muscular young Hispanic man who was moodily sipping at a bottle of Dos Equis.

The gay man sat on the stool next to the Hispanic man and ordered a Brandy Alexander. The bartender glared at him and slammed down a shot of bourbon and a glass of water.

After awhile the gay man leaned over and whispered, "How would you like to get the best blow job you've ever had in your life?"

"Chingate!" the Hispanic man screamed, smashing his beer bottle into the gay man's face before picking him up and throwing him out of the bar into the street.

He came back in and sat down. The bartender slid another sweating bottle of beer over to him.

"Geez, Juan! I've never seen you get so mad. What did he say to you, anyway?"

"I don' know, mon," Juan said, gulping a swallow of beer. "Some shit about gettin' a job..."

 

[jacktar48]

http://livluk.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Funny-Jokes.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

http://redhothealth.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/POO-JOKE-RABBIT-BEAR-one-liner-jokes.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

http://www.funvsfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/funny-jokes-for-adults-4-300x300.jpg

 

[Dream59]

Sam Clemens was at a boring high-society party after he became famous, and to entertain himself he walked over to the snooty hostess and in front of her friends, said, "You do look ravishing tonight, my dear! Tell me, would you consider sleeping with me for, say, a million dollars?"

She tittered and pretended to hide behind her Chinese fan. "Of course!"

"Well, how about for ten dollars, then?"

She ceased to be amused, and snapped, "How dare you! What do you think I am?"

"We've already established that," Clemens drawled. "Now we're just haggling about the price."

This is a joke now but it actually happened. Winston Churchill said this to a famous actress of the day.

 

[Dream59]

That is disgusting...

Let me see if I can match it.

Cleatus and Arlo decided to go to the local whorehouse late on Saturday night. As they walked up to the door of the isolated cabin in the woods, Cleatus said, "I only got ten bucks left outta my pay packet. So I hope you got enough for yer own self, 'cuz you ain't getting nothin' from me."

Arlo grinned. "I never paid for it in my life. Just wait and see; I'll be gettin' it for free again."

Cleatus snorted as the door opened and they were admitted to a large, candlelit room where several scantily clad ladies lounged on couches.

An older lady sauntered over to them as they stood ogling the working girls.

"Y'all boys see anything you like? Just fi' dollah fo' a straight fuck, ten fo' haf an haf. An' I'll be takin' that raht now, in cash money, if yuh doan mine."

Cleatus handed her a fistful of greasy dollar bills. Arlo said, "Tell you whut. Give me three minutes alone in yer best girl's room, and I'll tell you how many customers she's had tonight. If I'm right, I get her for free. If'n I'm wrong, I'll give you twenty for a hand-job."

The madam stared at him suspiciously, then peered at the twenty-dollar bill in his hand. "You fulla shit," she said finally. "Go on ahaid then. You ain' gonna go in there an' jack off, though. Tyrone!"

A hulking black man with sullen eyes materialized from the shadows.

"Take this asshole to Shanice's room and give him three minutes alone. Then bring his ass back out here, but if it look like he whacked off in there, I want you to beat the fuck outta him and th'ow him inta the bayou."

Three minutes later Arlo came back wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

"Eight," he said. "An' one of 'em was a big horny bastid."

The madam's eyes widened. "Shit-fahr! How the hell you be knowin' that?"

Arlo shrugged, grinning. "I jus' knows. Ah kin feel it."

"Well, you win then. G'wan over there and sit with Shanice. Yer gonna have to warm her up a little. She about wore out, pore little thang."

Arlo sat on the couch between Shanice and Cleatus, who moved over sulkily.

"How did you know that?" he whispered.

"Easy. I jus' drunk off the water in her douche-bowl and counted the lumps as they went down."

[urp]

So far you have the award for most disgusting LOL.

 

[jacktar48]

http://stupid24.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Stupid-Fat-Joke.jpg

 

[Dream59]

Here's offensive for you, then:

You know why Michael Jackson used to like to shop at K-Mart?

Because they always advertised "Boys' Underwear Half Off!"

Thanks.

Here's more offensive material:

You know why Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

These are hilarious. I love this thread. No fighting, just making people laugh.

 

[jacktar48]

These are hilarious. I love this thread. No fighting, just making people laugh.

I expect someone will find something to complain about sooner or later.

Maybe we'll just ignore them when they do, though.

 

[jacktar48]

This is a joke now but it actually happened. Winston Churchill said this to a famous actress of the day.

Interesting. I thought it was Samuel Clemens that got credit for that.

Oh well. Someone definitely thought of it before I did, which is a pity.

 

[jacktar48]

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/pwe/lowres/sex-sex_joke-innuendo-flirt-flirtation-flirting-pwen383l.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

http://images.iimg.in/c/5188ea3470b172ffea000000-4-500-674-1367927407/husband-wife-jokes-5188ea34585d3.img

 

[Midnight_Man]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

 

[Iceprincess12]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[Iceprincess12]

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

 

[Iceprincess12]

I was chatting with my father this weekend and he gave me some advice.

He said, "Never marry a virgin."

I asked, "Why?"

He replied, "Well son, if she is not good enough for her own family she is then definitely not good enough for ours!"

I just had to agree....

 

[Iceprincess12]

http://www.funvsfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/funny-jokes-for-adults-4-300x300.jpg

This one didn't show up, just a little box

 

[Dream59]

This one didn't show up, just a little box

You have to scroll down a bit. It is one about Santa.

 

[jacktar48]

This one didn't show up, just a little box

It's showing up on mine...maybe if you click the box? It's html.

Few people will complain about a little box...


A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

 

[Iceprincess12]

It's showing up on mine...maybe if you click the box? It's html.

Few people will complain about a little box...


A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Ipad discrimination!!

1st complaint lodged!!

Nope, oh well, I will just laugh at something else

 

[jacktar48]

Teacher is going through the ABC's with the first grade class by pointing to the letter on the board and asking them to name something that begins with that letter.

She points to "A," and right away Johnny is waiving his hand excitedly.

No way, she thinks. The little brat will say "ass" for sure. So she calls on Mary.

"Apple," Mary says proudly. "A big, red, juicy apple."

"Very good, Mary!" Teacher points to "B." Once again Johnny is waiving his hand.

She calls on Susie. Johnny will say "bitch," she just knows it.

"B is for bunny," Susie lisps.

"Good, Susie!" Teacher continues through the alphabet. "C?" Not a chance she'll let Johhny have that one.

Finally she gets to "R" and she can't think of anything rude Johnny can say so she lets him answer.

"R is for Rat!" Johnny blurts.

"Oh, excellent, Johnny! I bet you're thinking of a frisky little white rat with a pink nose--"

"Oh, HELL no! He's a big black motherfucker with a prick on him about a foot long!"

 

[jacktar48]

Ipad discrimination!!

1st complaint lodged!!

Nope, oh well, I will just laugh at something else

It was a cartoon showing Santa Claus in court. The lawyer is screaming in his face: "Did you or did you not, sir, in a crowded shopping mall in front of her children, look at my client and call her -- not once but three times -- a 'ho'?"

 

[Iceprincess12]

It was a cartoon showing Santa Claus in court. The lawyer is screaming in his face: "Did you or did you not, sir, in a crowded shopping mall in front of her children, look at my client and call her -- not once but three times -- a 'ho'?"

Ha ha ha

Ty!

 

[peterthelicker]

Dirty Joke

White horse fell in the mud.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I am going to wait for someone to explain that joke