Joining the scene?

[Guest]

Hi all...I hope you can help me.
Firstly,I am married to a lovely guy who loves me (and I love him).
The problem is he treats me like a Princess and I want to be a submissive.Under no circumstance is this part of his/our world and I am now searching the web for realise from what I feel is my unfulfilled sex life.
Secondly,and this perhaps is my problem....I want to serve someone but I want to remain anonymous...ie through emails etc
Does this make sense? Is it possible?Am I weird?
Any suggestions,please.

Slavette(in waiting)

 

[Quint]

Hello and welcome to our forum! I understand your desire for anonymity, but I do hope that you find enough soul food here to register and become part of our community. We'd love to have you.

As to your dilemmas...The first I can sympathize with, as can many others here. How easy is it for you to communicate with your husband about sex in general, if not BDSM? Can you easily tell him what you like and what you want more of? If so, I'd suggest dabbling into D/s behavior. Ask him to hold your arms down during sex, or take you rougher. If that works well, perhaps you could try roleplaying. This is useful because even if he instinctively wants to make YOU his princess, he can pretend that you are somebody slightly different, someone he can dominate instead of worship without the same guilt feelings. Experiment. This requires a great deal of trust and patience, but it is definitely possible. Hopefully he has some spark of dominance in him already.

The second problem I can't help you with. On this forum we specialize in skin-to-skin relationships, and try to keep this area chatroom-free. However, there are innumerable other BDSM chatrooms and forums on the internet that are devoted to totally cyber relationships, which it seems is what you're interested in. I would try alt.com or bondage.com. Those seem to be the places people point to. I wish you the best of luck on both your concerns, and again, welcome to Lit! Please stick around as long as you'd like.

 

[Hecate]

the pain and joy of anonymity

Hello Slavette,

If you have been reading through a few threads, specially some of the older ones if I remember correctly, there has been quite some discussion about the "married vanilla" topic.

From all those discussions I think the general conclusion drawn is as follows:
If you are having a healthy happy and communicative relation with your husband, you might be able to make him interested in some bedroom Dominance. Let him read a few naughty erotic stories around the topic (plenty of those around on Lterotica), print one for him and place it on his pillow one night, or send him one by e-mail... or just talk to him, show him things on the internet that you find a turn on. If he is even slightly interested and it doesn't offend him seriously I am sure he will at least try for his Princess.

Ther are some small things though that may not be as much as you want - but still not more than he is comfortable with - eg. blindfolds are usually not a problem for both parties to include in erotic play. Being submissive doesn't mean it has to involve pain, you know? ask him if he would be ready to blindfold you and "play your body" while you are helpless - maybe turned yourself helpless by just holding a half full glass of Chanpagne or wine that you can't let go (basically submission like many other sexual things happens at first in the head, and that headspace is yours to control) while he teases (=pleases) your body with tickling feathers, or an ice cube or ... you catch my drift?
Most "vanilla" men have a problem with the concept of hurting the female they love and cherish - so don't maybe ask that of him immediately and I would think your chances may increase of slowly getting into the right direction.

If though it really doesn't float his boat I am afraid there is nothing much that can be done. Just as you seem to find now about having this urge in you he simply may not - as much as you aren't ready to "forsake" your inclination to be submissive as little you can ask him to become something that he is not.

Just to round up that line of thought ... have you eveer wondered if maybe his "treating you likje a Princes" might mean he wants you to dominate him? Now how would you feel - react - decide if he asked you that? (I am not saying this is the case but if you can honestly answer that question you may be able to judge better how he might be feeling being asked something like that from you)

Now to tackle the second part of your question ... how to get something "going" online and anonymously ....

True, here we are mainly discussing the skin-to-skin BDSM world, that though doesn't mean the cyber realm isn't out there.

If you just want to explore your desires I suggest you go to some chat rooms - pick any handle, that is anonymous enough (ok - don't maybe just choose your name ok? ). You will find all sorts of chat room (to which I can't unfortunately advise since I haven't been to any ina long time) but I think IRC has HEAPS of them - even here at Lit chat you might find likeminded people and there are many many more usually on all sorts of BDSM-related sites like bondage.com etc. Noone will know anything about you that you are not telling them - perfect place for anonymously exploring whatever is out there in way of BDSM.

Usually though those are more directly, basically sexually realted things. If you are seeking soneone to serve - then I am not really thinking only chat will do. (those of you who will now chaim in saying there is no way to serve by cyber / chat / e-mail only just hold back a minute, ok?)

Let me just assume for argument sake that you aren't really interested in another relation but just want to fill a "gap" that your husband may not be able to fill - therefore you are wanting to stay anonymous to not endager your real life relation. So what are you getting from any e-mail contact? an exchange of nice little stories and fantasies? As soon as you allow someone to get that much a hold of your life that you feel like you are "serving" I am afraid you are not longer on a level that is merely anonymous and cyber - there is all of a sudden a third party in your relation - and whether or not they know your name and who you are, this other person will KNOW a lot about you. Are you going to gfeel ok with this "behind hubby's back"?

Don't deceive yourself - you are heading full on into a little "out of line" cheating thing, which may or may not ever result in anyhting physical - but I would hope your marriage holds more to it than just the physical sharing a life.

I may be totally of track here Slavette, then just discard my comments as not being apropriate in your case, but I have seen this happening just a few times to many - and I have seen it ruin a marriage or two, even though it was "only online" ... don't fail to see the traps before you get into this.

Now - am I saying it is a bad thing you are out and about?
NO! Hell, no, if you are doing it aware and fully honest with yourself (and possibly even with your partner's consent). YES, that is indeed happening too. Husbands who will accept a "cyber Dominant" for their wives because they know they can't fulfill that need but want to see their beloved happy and fulfilled, rather with their consent and controlled instead of loosing them gradually to their desires. You still can remain anonymous - given you find any serious, sensible and "real" (as opposed to pretender) Dominant to take you as a submissive without knowing you!

But I am rambling on and on about things you may already have thought through in detail.

To get involved in online BDSM only, go to chat rooms, you will meet people there (who just like you are desperately seeking to remain anonymous) and by the time you think you have found someone to deepen the contact into mails and such just set up any anonymous e-mail account wherever (yes, you can giev a fasle name upon registration and a fake address etc. and they will not likely ever find out). And then exchange fanasies - this is what it will be!

My advise: Go explore - read online - chat - discover yourself. But be carefull - those things have the nasty tendancy to swap over into your real life eventually !

 

[RisiaSkye]

(Holy cow! A rare Hecate sighting! How you been, lady?)

Sorry for the minor hijack.

 

[slavette]

Joining the scene

Thank you so much for your intelligent suggestions and excellent advice.
My husband would never want to be involved in this scene(and I somehow dont want him there either????)
I want the distance from my "controller" but would like to act out his commands with strangers....I want to do things I wouldnt be brave enough to do on my own...but can "blame"the action on the fact I was being made to do it....does this make any sense as I have never verbalised my fantasies before?

 

[morninggirl5]

What you're saying makes sense.

My natural and very intense cautiousness is screaming very loudly for you, though.

Acting out your fantasies with strangers (even at the direction of a Dom) is still acting out your fantasies with strangers. Whether that fantasy is kinky sex, being bound, or serving, without some level of trust, some discussion of SSC, you can't be sure that you are going to be leaving whatever annonymous place you are in.

Read, read, read, and then read some more. Ask yourself the hard questions and really think about your answers. If protecting your marriage is important (and you've indicated it is) then perhaps you need to find this part of yourself in a different way.

 

[boz]

My husband would never want to be involved in this scene(and I somehow dont want him there either????)

Meaning that you want to keep your current life separate from this "other life" so that the current is safe and pure for its own sake, or so that it's safe to return to after the online life is turned off?

Or you don't want your picture of your husband to include the personality aspects or knowledge of this part of your personality that your online master would have?

Or would there be some special kick for you doing this within your current life with noone else knowing about it?

I ask these questions for two reasons; for you to have a clearer picture of how your various desires relate and conflict with each other which will be important in working and living with the conflict, and, to ask whether you are sure that your husband wouldn't want to be involved, or is it that you don't want your husband to be involved?

The reason for the second part is to comment that for a while I used to engage in telephone sex over chat lines. I told my wife about it, even had her listen and occassionally participate in it, but also continued to engage in it when she wasn't around, though I always told her about it afterwards. She didn't have a problem with it because it was anonymous, purely sex and fantasy, and she didn't see it as a threat to our commitment to each other.

What I'm asking is whether there is the possiblity of having your husband involved/knowledgable to some degree, which would increase the safety as well as your own comfort (no lying/guilt).

 

[Guest]

Joining the scene

Thank you Boz...I think you are getting close to my frustration. Although I really appreciate the concern of all the others.
I love my husband and my life with him is secure but I want a second life....a totally different and separate one. I want to be a lover to him and a slut to my other....that is the first ever time I have said that!....and I feel good..
I would want and ensure they were separate and then be fulfilled

I know I am not alone now with my desires...thank you.

Slavette

 

[vylette]

confused here too???

if you are weird "guest"...than that would make 2 of us...i, like you, are drawn to the alt*****styles..and my husband isnt..we have tried to find ways to compromise, but they arent working out all that well..so i am here along with you..hoping one day i will read or hear some advice that will enlightened me as to what my next move should be...and i try to steer clear from advice i think sounds phoney ...so hang in there i know how you feel