JazzManJim
On the Downbeat
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2001
- Posts
- 27,360
For as long as Literotica has existed it has been home to a wide variety of people. A very narrow subset of people here, colloquially known as trolls seem to rejoice in spreading discord, chaos, ignorance, and other bad words in our fair home. The remedies for these Internet Vermin range from letting them burn themselves out to all-out flame wars complete with collateral damage and UN Peacekeeping Forces.
This is a guide to those strange and lonely beings known as trolls - their habits, likes and dislikes, and care and feeding instructions. I hope that by posting this, I can foster a greater understanding of the life that scuttles just underneath the polite society we all seem to enjoy.
A General Note or Three on Trolls - Many trolls will move from one classification to another capriciously, mostly based on directions beamed to them directly from the Mole Men who live at the Earth's Core. Trolls also can exhibit normal and even rational behavior at times, usually when conversing with their one or two lonely and likely insane admirers. That rarely lasts long however. The tin foil they employ to keep the evil Mind Control waves out of their super glue fume-shrunken crania doesn't last long. They'd know that if they read the fine print on the box.
It is relatively easy to spot a troll, even when they have employed their normal person camouflage. They talk freely and jovially with other trolls, speaking the sophisticated series of grunts, clicks, and whistles that comprises the native troll language. Their laughter when in a pack is easily distiniguishable. If you hear something that sounds like Beavis and Butthead watching a Metallica video, you've found a nest of trolls.
Trolls all crave the same thing: attention. Bad attention and good attention are equal in their books. No attention is enough, though. They will continue their behavior and suck up the attention like a sponge. The only true way to make a troll go away is to give them no attention at all. It's like pouring salt on the tail of a slug. They'll shrivel up and blow away.
The Parasite - This troll finds one (or perhaps two or three) particular people and follows them around, posting to their threads, over their comments, and generally doing their best to insult them at every turn. They thrive on driving certain individuals off the Boards and dance like little lame strippers when their objects of obsession don't post for two or three days. When the host poster returns, the Parasite begins their harangues anew. A secondary tactic the Parasite enjoys is to post threads about their Host in which they attempt to display their full arsenal of insults, jibes, and character assasinations. Unfortunately, the Parasite is notably narrow of focus and the insults only encompass one or two themes which they repeat ad infinitum until you wish you could dash their head against a concrete wall for no other reason than to jog the two working brain cells they have into contact this fostering an original and perhaps even insightful thought. Dealing with the Parasite is a simple matter. Put them on your Ignore List. That way they yammer into the dark and you may have the pleasant image of their growing angrier and angrier that you're not paying attention to them. Don't argue with them. You can't convince them to change. Parasites on Lit include Lancecastor, Hanns_Schmidt, KR1, and 4laterer.
The Flamer - This one is easy to spot. The second a conversation breaks out into a discussion or even, God Forbid, a debate, The Flamer arrives. Their backpack canister is loaded to the brim with ad hominem attacks and they do not hesitate to toss out the most outrageous statements boldly without consideration to either logic nor reality. Occasionally their bold statements are illogical enough to warp the space surrounding it and suck in any factual comment like a black hole sucking in stellar matter. It is easy to spot a post by a Flamer. It is redolent with self-importance, smug certainty and, like a hot air balloon, is utterly devoid of any substance. Flamers inevitably arrive on the scene of any political or religious conversation. Again, the Ignore List is a good way to deal with this sort of troll. Simply not reading their comments is also adviseable. Not only does not replying to them stunt their behavior, it saves you from an instant migraine headache. If you do engage in some sort of conversation with them on a topic, keep this phrase handy, because you will be using it at some point: "You are an idiot!". Flamers include 70/30 and Don K. Dyck.
The Asshole - This is, IMO, the most common sort of troll yet remains the most troublesome. The Asshole relishes discord. They cause trouble any way they can and may even accept some measure of blame for their troublemaking but they show no sorrow for the misery they cause and relish in wallowing in their various exploits weeks or months afterwards. The definitive statement from an Asshole is some variant of "Fuck You" which is perhaps the most sophisticated retort they know. Assholes enjoy causing a scene for its own sake and crave the attention it gives them. I believe that at some point Assholes were locked in a closet as babies and only taken out to be beaten with a yardstick. They need a hug very badly but can't pay someone to give them one. Of course, if you point this out to them, they'll laugh. Behind that laughter, though, lies rivers of tears. They are the bullies of the boards who have yet to realize that no one is afraid of them. If you have patience, you can drive an Asshole into a fine lather of fury by pointing out such things as their various lies and inconsistencies (and there will be dozens of them!), their personal hygiene, and their parentage. Of course none of this has any lasting effect. The Asshole may well be the true victim of a mental condition which makes them believe that they are the only true person in their world. They are opportunists and can be silenced completely by giving them no opportunity to rant. Asshole include Indigo.Rose, Naughty N Nice, MsTerious, and LordLucan74.
The Psychopath - Psychopaths are truly troubling creatures. They have no apparent jobs or lives away from the boards. Their posts can be found in vast numbers at any time of the day on any thread. There is no rhyme nor reason to what will drive them into a posting frenzy. They can exhibit the behaviors of any of the other types of trolls and I've even included a couple Psychopaths in those lists, but don't be fooled. These are superlative trolls who have plied their trade in other places at other times. They are veteran idiots of the highest order. Psychopaths often create multiple "personalities" just so they have someone to talk to. In extreme cases, they will even invent a significant other for themselves to inflate their own importance. Psychopaths are easy to spot. They hyperinflate their own importance and personal experiences, inventing jobs they do not have, skills they could never possess, and exploits that only Indiana Jones would appreciate. When called on their boasts they either revert to name-calling or just silence. You may applaud yourself. You did something that only rarely happens - shut up a Psychopath. The only real danger these trolls present is their lack of hesitancy to abide by the privacy rules of the Board. If they by some luck do happen across your personal information, they won't hesitate to post it to bolster their own perceived "street cred". Notable Psychopaths include Hanns_Schmidt and KR1.
The Salt Pourer - This is a specialized version of the Asshole and many Assholes are also Salt Pourers. These trolls show up in threads which involve asking advice for a genuine problem or venting. Upon their arrival they will do one of two things: 1) Dance with joy at the human misery they see, or 2) Offer an oversimplistic solution and get angry when the impossible advice isn't heeded. Frequently, the Salt Pourer hints at having more knowledge about the poster than they actually have in order to feed their own self-importance. It is very difficult to deal with the Salt Pourer because they thrive in the most emotionally-charged environmentand the emotional detachment required to handle them correctly is in much shorter supply. Voodoo dolls are useful here. A couple well-placed pins can send a Salt Pourer packing pretty quickly. If you don't have a Hougan handy, just take a deep breath. You'll feel better and the urge to kill will fade. Well, most of it will. Assholes and Psychopaths are often also Salt Pourers. Use the same names.
The Weirdo - These posters are not from this Earth. Trust me. Rather than being annoying or dangerous, their posts and threads are amusing and even entertaining. Weirdos pop up at random intervals and may even be creations of other established posters to lampoon other more serious trolls. Have fun with them. Weirdos include RainbowBrite and GnufiPoppets (though I like this guy really).
The Chickenshit - Only one nickname is ever used by a Chickenshit: Unregistered. These people hide behind a thin veil of anonymity and try to disguise their speech and spelling habits so they can snipe and jibe without anyone knowing who they are. Chickenshits are mostly registered postes who have opinions they don't have the courage to say under their own nickname. You'll find them posting in the most acute drama threads or on threads which involve drama-ridden posters (and you know who you are!). Some regular posters attract them like flies but, unlike the Parasites, Chickenshits lack even the basic courage to give themselves a name. Ignore them.
The Un-Troll - These posters are not specifically trolls. They are most often named by true trolls to justify their behavior. The trolls' argument says that we're all horrible hypocrites because we accept and even like the Un-Trolls even though they are the same as the troll. This is a terrible argument and most acutely shows the Troll's most basic need: acceptance. Un-Trolls are easily discovered because even though they may exhibit occasionally trollish behavior, they also show human decency, wit, humor, and an interest in more than insults and debasement. Though they insult at times, they are at heart, fully-realized people and will always act as such. Un-Trolls attract trolls like dead racoons attract spatula-bearing rednecks. Notable Un-Trolls include KillerMuffin, ProblemChild, and DCL.
This is a guide to those strange and lonely beings known as trolls - their habits, likes and dislikes, and care and feeding instructions. I hope that by posting this, I can foster a greater understanding of the life that scuttles just underneath the polite society we all seem to enjoy.
A General Note or Three on Trolls - Many trolls will move from one classification to another capriciously, mostly based on directions beamed to them directly from the Mole Men who live at the Earth's Core. Trolls also can exhibit normal and even rational behavior at times, usually when conversing with their one or two lonely and likely insane admirers. That rarely lasts long however. The tin foil they employ to keep the evil Mind Control waves out of their super glue fume-shrunken crania doesn't last long. They'd know that if they read the fine print on the box.
It is relatively easy to spot a troll, even when they have employed their normal person camouflage. They talk freely and jovially with other trolls, speaking the sophisticated series of grunts, clicks, and whistles that comprises the native troll language. Their laughter when in a pack is easily distiniguishable. If you hear something that sounds like Beavis and Butthead watching a Metallica video, you've found a nest of trolls.
Trolls all crave the same thing: attention. Bad attention and good attention are equal in their books. No attention is enough, though. They will continue their behavior and suck up the attention like a sponge. The only true way to make a troll go away is to give them no attention at all. It's like pouring salt on the tail of a slug. They'll shrivel up and blow away.
The Parasite - This troll finds one (or perhaps two or three) particular people and follows them around, posting to their threads, over their comments, and generally doing their best to insult them at every turn. They thrive on driving certain individuals off the Boards and dance like little lame strippers when their objects of obsession don't post for two or three days. When the host poster returns, the Parasite begins their harangues anew. A secondary tactic the Parasite enjoys is to post threads about their Host in which they attempt to display their full arsenal of insults, jibes, and character assasinations. Unfortunately, the Parasite is notably narrow of focus and the insults only encompass one or two themes which they repeat ad infinitum until you wish you could dash their head against a concrete wall for no other reason than to jog the two working brain cells they have into contact this fostering an original and perhaps even insightful thought. Dealing with the Parasite is a simple matter. Put them on your Ignore List. That way they yammer into the dark and you may have the pleasant image of their growing angrier and angrier that you're not paying attention to them. Don't argue with them. You can't convince them to change. Parasites on Lit include Lancecastor, Hanns_Schmidt, KR1, and 4laterer.
The Flamer - This one is easy to spot. The second a conversation breaks out into a discussion or even, God Forbid, a debate, The Flamer arrives. Their backpack canister is loaded to the brim with ad hominem attacks and they do not hesitate to toss out the most outrageous statements boldly without consideration to either logic nor reality. Occasionally their bold statements are illogical enough to warp the space surrounding it and suck in any factual comment like a black hole sucking in stellar matter. It is easy to spot a post by a Flamer. It is redolent with self-importance, smug certainty and, like a hot air balloon, is utterly devoid of any substance. Flamers inevitably arrive on the scene of any political or religious conversation. Again, the Ignore List is a good way to deal with this sort of troll. Simply not reading their comments is also adviseable. Not only does not replying to them stunt their behavior, it saves you from an instant migraine headache. If you do engage in some sort of conversation with them on a topic, keep this phrase handy, because you will be using it at some point: "You are an idiot!". Flamers include 70/30 and Don K. Dyck.
The Asshole - This is, IMO, the most common sort of troll yet remains the most troublesome. The Asshole relishes discord. They cause trouble any way they can and may even accept some measure of blame for their troublemaking but they show no sorrow for the misery they cause and relish in wallowing in their various exploits weeks or months afterwards. The definitive statement from an Asshole is some variant of "Fuck You" which is perhaps the most sophisticated retort they know. Assholes enjoy causing a scene for its own sake and crave the attention it gives them. I believe that at some point Assholes were locked in a closet as babies and only taken out to be beaten with a yardstick. They need a hug very badly but can't pay someone to give them one. Of course, if you point this out to them, they'll laugh. Behind that laughter, though, lies rivers of tears. They are the bullies of the boards who have yet to realize that no one is afraid of them. If you have patience, you can drive an Asshole into a fine lather of fury by pointing out such things as their various lies and inconsistencies (and there will be dozens of them!), their personal hygiene, and their parentage. Of course none of this has any lasting effect. The Asshole may well be the true victim of a mental condition which makes them believe that they are the only true person in their world. They are opportunists and can be silenced completely by giving them no opportunity to rant. Asshole include Indigo.Rose, Naughty N Nice, MsTerious, and LordLucan74.
The Psychopath - Psychopaths are truly troubling creatures. They have no apparent jobs or lives away from the boards. Their posts can be found in vast numbers at any time of the day on any thread. There is no rhyme nor reason to what will drive them into a posting frenzy. They can exhibit the behaviors of any of the other types of trolls and I've even included a couple Psychopaths in those lists, but don't be fooled. These are superlative trolls who have plied their trade in other places at other times. They are veteran idiots of the highest order. Psychopaths often create multiple "personalities" just so they have someone to talk to. In extreme cases, they will even invent a significant other for themselves to inflate their own importance. Psychopaths are easy to spot. They hyperinflate their own importance and personal experiences, inventing jobs they do not have, skills they could never possess, and exploits that only Indiana Jones would appreciate. When called on their boasts they either revert to name-calling or just silence. You may applaud yourself. You did something that only rarely happens - shut up a Psychopath. The only real danger these trolls present is their lack of hesitancy to abide by the privacy rules of the Board. If they by some luck do happen across your personal information, they won't hesitate to post it to bolster their own perceived "street cred". Notable Psychopaths include Hanns_Schmidt and KR1.
The Salt Pourer - This is a specialized version of the Asshole and many Assholes are also Salt Pourers. These trolls show up in threads which involve asking advice for a genuine problem or venting. Upon their arrival they will do one of two things: 1) Dance with joy at the human misery they see, or 2) Offer an oversimplistic solution and get angry when the impossible advice isn't heeded. Frequently, the Salt Pourer hints at having more knowledge about the poster than they actually have in order to feed their own self-importance. It is very difficult to deal with the Salt Pourer because they thrive in the most emotionally-charged environmentand the emotional detachment required to handle them correctly is in much shorter supply. Voodoo dolls are useful here. A couple well-placed pins can send a Salt Pourer packing pretty quickly. If you don't have a Hougan handy, just take a deep breath. You'll feel better and the urge to kill will fade. Well, most of it will. Assholes and Psychopaths are often also Salt Pourers. Use the same names.
The Weirdo - These posters are not from this Earth. Trust me. Rather than being annoying or dangerous, their posts and threads are amusing and even entertaining. Weirdos pop up at random intervals and may even be creations of other established posters to lampoon other more serious trolls. Have fun with them. Weirdos include RainbowBrite and GnufiPoppets (though I like this guy really).
The Chickenshit - Only one nickname is ever used by a Chickenshit: Unregistered. These people hide behind a thin veil of anonymity and try to disguise their speech and spelling habits so they can snipe and jibe without anyone knowing who they are. Chickenshits are mostly registered postes who have opinions they don't have the courage to say under their own nickname. You'll find them posting in the most acute drama threads or on threads which involve drama-ridden posters (and you know who you are!). Some regular posters attract them like flies but, unlike the Parasites, Chickenshits lack even the basic courage to give themselves a name. Ignore them.
The Un-Troll - These posters are not specifically trolls. They are most often named by true trolls to justify their behavior. The trolls' argument says that we're all horrible hypocrites because we accept and even like the Un-Trolls even though they are the same as the troll. This is a terrible argument and most acutely shows the Troll's most basic need: acceptance. Un-Trolls are easily discovered because even though they may exhibit occasionally trollish behavior, they also show human decency, wit, humor, and an interest in more than insults and debasement. Though they insult at times, they are at heart, fully-realized people and will always act as such. Un-Trolls attract trolls like dead racoons attract spatula-bearing rednecks. Notable Un-Trolls include KillerMuffin, ProblemChild, and DCL.
