It's raining men ...

[Isabella Thorne]

A wee bit of male bashing to start the day ...

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?

A: A candlelit football stadium.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: Why did god make man before woman?

A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy


Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?

#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

#7 Mom will love this.

#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

#4 Will you model this for me???

#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
____________________________
and just so ya know ... i am just kidding ... i adore men ... the more the better ...

God bless Mother Nature
She's a single woman too
She took on a heaven
And she did what she had to do
She taught every angel
To rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman
Could find her perfect guy

It's raining men
Go get yourself wet girl
I know you want to

I feel stormy weather moving in
About to begin
Hear the thunder
Don't you lose your head
Rip off the roof and stay in bed

It's raining men Hallelujah
It's raining men, Amen
It's raining men Hallelujah
It's raining men, Amen

~The Weather Girls~

 

[christophe]

a women comes home from the doctor and proceeds to tell her husband that the docotr siad she had the nicests tits he'd ever seen, in fact that she had the tits of a 20 year old. the husband sarcastically quipped "did he say anything about your fat ass"
"well no" the wife replied "he didnt mention you at all"

 

[Merelan]

Hahahahaha............................ oh god. Breathe merelan, breathe.

 

[Mistress]

LMAO!

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

WASHING

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and have a shag?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride, "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand."

 

[shyybabe]

Cake or Bed?

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN
HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN
THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD FIX THE FRIDGE
DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE
STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX
STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF
HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED
HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE
ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE
NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,
AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I
HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

THE HUSBAND SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

 

[horny_giraffe]

Choice.

 

[cymbidia]

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"

There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, yes!"

~~~~~

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband."

The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."

The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally."

The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"

The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Son of a bitch! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

~~~~~

A young girl is in a toy store checking out the Barbie dolls, trying to decide which one to purchase. She goes to the front desk and asked the woman at the register if Barbie comes with a Ken. The woman says "No, dear. Barbie fakes it with Ken; she comes with GI Joe."

 

[Emeraldtryst]

Don't know if this fits in here but.......

A man came home one day from a long day at work to see his girlfriend packing up her things with a scowl on her face.

He asked what was wrong and she answered him: "I'm leaving you!! You're too much of a pedophile!!"

To which he responded: "That's a pretty big word for a 10 year old girl"


Sorry...I couldn't help myself

 

[Isabella Thorne]

and men are always so sensitive ....

Once upon a time, there was a very wealthy, but very shy, and very lonely, young man, who lived in the country.

It so happened that a bridle path went through his back yard. One day, a beautiful young girl rode her horse along the bridle path and through his yard. He fell in love with her on sight, but was too shy to follow her.

The next day, at the same time, the girl rode past again.

Again, the young man was too shy to pursue her. This went on for weeks, and the young man fell ever more deeply in love with her, and his frustration grew, and he cursed his shyness. He decided he must do something; but what?

It came to him in a flash; he would paint his horse green, and tie it up by the bridle path; surely the girl would notice this and ask him about it, and he could speak to her!

That morning, he painted his horse green, tied it up by the bridle path where the girl was sure to see it, and waited anxiously. Sure enough, she rode past; when she saw the horse, she stopped, and, eyes wide, said, "Oh! You have a green horse!"

The young man said, "Yeah, wanna screw?"

 

[Merelan]

God Isabella, I think I know that guy.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

God's Gift to Adam ...

Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you,
one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things,
solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The
other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you
great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now
intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very
happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have
given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great
tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will
never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

 

[Svedish_Chef]

God Isabella, I think I know that guy.

And so what if its me?

 

[Isabella Thorne]

School Daze

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts).

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective) (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tay Diggs
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
2 Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"


Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause

and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy.