It's a heartache...

[cymbidia]

It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late, hits you when you're down
It's a fool's game, nothing but a fool's game
Standing in the cold rain, feeling like a clown


I'll be away for awhile.
Just didn't want anyone wondering, if anyone would have.

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[Debbie]

Cymbidia?

 

[Mistress]

Snuggles and kisses

 

[LukkyKnight]

we look forward to your return

pensively

 

[Mae13]

Cym...

Everything in your post speaks of pain; the AV, the words, the .sig file...

I know I haven't been here long...but *hug*

Mae

 

[Pan718]

Strong arms...

reaching out with a hug of support... A heart holding you with compassion.

Peace, Cym.

Pan

 

[MissTaken]

Be well, cym.

~hugs~

 

[cymbidia]

I can barely breathe, it hurts so badly.
I can barely put coherent thoughts together.
I can barely maintain the facade i *must* maintain in my day-to-day life, for my kids, for others who look to me. It's taking everything i have to get from one minute to the next without breaking down. When i do break down, it's all i can do not to get irredeemingly lost in the abyssmal depths of this searing pain.

But i can't do that.
I can't get lost like that, can't allow it to overtake me.
I have kids.
I have responsibilities.
I have to begin the packing up of a huge house; i'm moving in three weeks.

And there is where i get lost again.
He was supposed to be there in 3 weeks.
We were going to begin our forever, after giving our previous forever to others.
But he won't be there.
No. He won't.

And i can barely breathe, having to face that reality.
I can barely put coherent thoughts together...


~~~~~
Thank you for the PM's and the love and support and sympathy. You've made me cry over and over today for your innate goodness and the purity of the warming care you offered me.

Some people do this kind of grieving in public or with friends and some people withdraw and try to stem the flow of the pain in private. I am of the latter group. I wanted to come back and thank you with heartfelt gratitude for your concern; my email box wouldn't allow me to do otherwise, but i cannot do it individually. To repeat this over and over in pm's and email would hurt too much.

So - thank you, so very much, for... for offering what you have to offer me as i struggle through the middle of my own private hell. You're as fine a group of people as i've ever had the good fortune to rub up against, vt or rt.

I know this: All things pass.
So, too, shall this immobilizing pain.
It's just that today, right now, it doesn't feel like it can possibly ever be anywhere but sucking the blood from my veins and breath from my body, slowly, minute by minute.

I know you must understand.
No one gets through life without feeling like this a time or two.
So, i'll be back to play soon enough but i can't right now.
I just can't.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Come home soon, cym.

We'll be here for you

 

[PacificBlue]

{{{{{{{{{{Hugging Tightly}}}}}}}}}}} and rocking gently for awhile.

 

[freakygirl]

Cym

Take care...

Be blessed...

and come home soon

*hugs*

 

[Debbie]

Cymbidia, I am thinking of you and sending you my love. *hug* Please take care of yourself and kids and come back when you can.

 

[Mae13]

Pain is not always pleasure...

Oooh Cym I am sorry my Sister....there is really nothing else I can say to you. I know how *I* have felt in such things in the past...I cannot say I know how *you* feel...

You have posted so many words of instruction, of compassion, of direction here. You ARE looked up to and cared so deeply about by so many people. It can almost feel like a responsibility too...so just take care of YOURSELF. You cannot always be strong. You have the right to grieve, just as we all do...being a good mother does not mean your spirit cannot show it's sadness. Don't worry about being here for others to play with. Only worry about what YOUR spirit needs to begin healing when its time. You have comforted others with words here so many times, its time to offer that back to you. I'm posting the whole thing, as to leave the reference complete, but it is the phrase near the end that I hold dear in rough times...especially in those rough times when it feels as though half your soul has been ripped away from you; when it feels there is a gaping black hole in your Center that can never be filled. I hope it may offer some peaceful thoughts...and if not, know it was given in love and concern...
~~~
The Charge of the Goddess:

Whenever you have need of anything, once a month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me Who is Queen of all the Wise.

You shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you be free you shall be naked in your rites.

Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth.

For My law is love is unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the cauldron of Cerridwen, that is the holy grail of immortality.

I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before.

Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the Mother of all things and My love is poured out upon the earth.


Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe:

I Who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters,

I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me.

For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe.

From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return.

Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.

Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.

And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.

For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.
~~~

You are an amazing woman...a Goddess in your own right. Full of passion and compassion, concern and fiery temper, love and pain.
As you said, the pain will pass. Who knows when, or how quickly, but it will...and as you can see here, there are several 'Lit-mates' here to help you however they can. Again, I offer a simple heartfelt *hug*

Mae

 

[RisiaSkye]

cym--call me. Day or night, whenever. But, call soon.
Thinking of you,
R

 

[Simply Me]

Damn Sorry Cym. There are no words to say to make you feel better. I can only wish for you the strength to get through the pain you are feeling, and to once again be at peace with yourself and love life again. You have lots of friends here. Please use them rather than close yourself off and suffer alone. You will be missed.

 

[Lost Cause]

Please know that all of us have been where you are at one time or another. Just know that there will be sunlight again, the air will taste sweet again, you will smile and laugh again, and you will come back and be loved again.

 

[sarahuk4]

Cymbidia , your pm box is full .....

 

[Cheyenne]

Cymbidia , your pm box is full .....

Thanks for the tip. I sent email instead.

We're all thinking of you, Cym.

 

[sarahuk4]

Thanks , Cheyenne , so did I ........

 

[Rambling Rose]

Cym, you have been rocked to your core. There is no comfort really, only the empathy and commiseration of those who love and respect you. You are not alone, in spirit or in flesh.

I'm so sorry for your hurting and your loss.

 

[YogiBare]

Cym,

I am sorry for your pain and terrible loss.

I send hugs and love.

 

[Guest]

edited

 

[Guest]

*bumping for cym*

I keep thinking about you and how you are feeling and it causes a lump in my throat.You dont know me at all and I dont really know you except for the things you write here but I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been there, we've all been there, but that doesnt make this part of it easier for you, I know. You will come out of this stronger. You will. When the clouds lift your smile will be brighter for living through this dark time.

 

[Sabineteas]

Cym

I am new here and can't really say that I know you or you know me. I just hope that soon the pain you are feeling will be manageable for you. I know that it will never go away completely. Be strong for yourself and your children. They are a grace that can keep you strong during the worst of times. A mother has to be strong for them and some of that strength will transfer to you.

I am so very sorry for you. Take the time to heal.

<<hug>>