Is it or isn't it? Question from a newbie

[curiousfella]

Hi,

Firstly, apologies if this has been disscussed before, but I have looked around and can't find anything that exactly answers my questions.

I am into rough sex and I guess submission and domination (I like to switch between both). But the thing is while I like verbal humilation, slapping (lightly of the face, harder of bottom), hairpulling and er.... things like having/or the doing of pushing someones/my face down into the mattress/hand round the throat (but not actual strangulation) etc, I'm not really into things like whipping or some of the more harder elements I read about on the site here (although a set of handcuffs and a blindfold are always fun).

I was recently in a relationship in which we explored it regulary for the first time together and it was great but unfortunately, that has now come to an end.

I guess this has made me question what exactly this sexual kink is? While i enjoy reading some posts on here (mainly cause I started to get worried I was some kind of horrible sexual pervert, which you guys, with the wit, wisdom and intellect of your postings have made me now realise it's ok - perfectly nice, loving intelligent people can have strange sexual kinks), most of the different things you all explore are not quite my cup of tea.

I guess what I'm asking is, as my kink seems to be a lot lighter, does this count as being part of the BDSM scene, or is it just that I like my sex not quite Vanilla?

Anyway, I hope you don't mind me posting this, but it really would help to clarify some things going on in my mind in relation to this.

thank-you all for your help.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

When i was a nurse we were taught that 'pain is whatever the patient says it is and exists when the patient says it does.' I think the same goes for kink. There is no benchmark or line to cross before you consider yourself 'kinky.' There are plenty of people who do kinky things and would never consider that their lighter activities could fall under the BDSM umbrella. We try very much to get away from any culture of 'kinkier than thou' or scoffing at people who think a blindfold and an ice-cube are extreme. It's all different strokes for different folks. Do what you like and call it whatever you think it is.

 

[curiousfella]

Hi Velvet,

Thanks for the reply!

Sorry if that came across a bit wrong, different strokes for different folks is something that I agree with immensly, I guess it was for more of a clarification for me, in the sense of, if I was to meet someone through a specialist site or something one day, would they be dissapointed because I'm quite 'light' in terms of what I'm into?

I'm sorry, this all probably seems a pointless question, but I'm just trying to make sense of things in my head.

Anyway, thanks again.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

When i was a nurse we were taught that 'pain is whatever the patient says it is and exists when the patient says it does.' I think the same goes for kink.

I think this sums it up beautifully. Kink is whatever you and your partner want it to be. Your kink might not be mine. Mine might not be yours. But that doesn't mean that we both aren't kinky.

There are things that I like, and things I know other friends of mine like. Sometimes we overlap, sometimes we don't. The people that I have met since I started this journey have been some of the most accepting people I've ever known. Doesn't mean that we agree on all things, just means we are able to accept our differences.

Think about it... if we all liked the same things, did the same things, were all the same... how boring the world would be!!

 

[Netzach]

Don't worry, you're a freak.

A lot of people can't stomach any mean names but want to be whipped raw.

Got me, but so it is.

 

[midwestyankee]

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Kink is pretty much a state of mind - and in particular, the interpersonal dynamic of domination and submission is very much a continuum of states of mind. Where do you fall on that continuum from needing to dominate to needing to submit?

 

[mynameiskate]

When i was a nurse we were taught that 'pain is whatever the patient says it is and exists when the patient says it does.'

Hmm, interesting.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Hi Velvet,

Thanks for the reply!

Sorry if that came across a bit wrong, different strokes for different folks is something that I agree with immensly, I guess it was for more of a clarification for me, in the sense of, if I was to meet someone through a specialist site or something one day, would they be dissapointed because I'm quite 'light' in terms of what I'm into?

I'm sorry, this all probably seems a pointless question, but I'm just trying to make sense of things in my head.

Anyway, thanks again.

It's an understandable concern when you're first looking around at yourself and other "kinky" people and wondering where you fit in. I'd say don't worry about "disappointing" people; if you're straightforward about your experience people will respond well and won't expect you to know more than you actually know.

One thing to remember is that no matter how many categories of kink there are, everyone is completely individual in the various things they're into and the degrees to which they enjoy them. An experienced person wouldn't assume anything about how much you know in any one area, or how far you've gone or might be willing to go.

I struggled with similar questions early on; I didn't seem to have a firm category, liked some things but not others, and sometimes really didn't know how much I would like something because I hadn't gotten a chance to try it yet.

There's also the aspect of change; over time you may find yourself refining certain things you're into and going further, and then other things you got off on initially will fade over time and not be as important to you. As we grow, our "kinks" shift as well.

If you're trying to meet people and connect with others who share your kinks, I'd say the best approach might be to talk about what you've tried and liked so far; that gives a lot more information than struggling with the conventional terms and labels. You can reel off a list of pre-set labels, like switch and kinky and subby and 'into breath play' or you can do what you, wisely, did in your original post - give a little info about what you've tried so far and what you liked and would go further with.

Labels are fun toys, but they tend to exclude as much information as they provide. And saying "I'm new to this and don't want to label myself" as you have will get you a great deal more success than calling yourself "MasterDomDragonCock the Divine" and putting yourself into a bunch of pre-made categories.

You're off to a good start, hanging around in here, reading and talking to people. This place has been very good for my understanding of my own profile, and I don't doubt it will help you figure out where you stand as well, and where you want to go from here.

good luck! and welcome.

bijou

 

[Etoile]

You can use any personals site you like! As long as you're honest in your profile, you won't have any problems. Nobody is going to mock you for your preferences as long as you state them clearly, whether it's on a kink site or a vanilla site.

 

[curiousfella]

Thank-you all very much for sharing your advice with me. I guess it's just strange when it's something you've only ever seriously broached with one person, the idea of ever speaking about it with someone new is kind of scary.

Thanks again one and all!

 

[sexikyttn]

Thank-you all very much for sharing your advice with me. I guess it's just strange when it's something you've only ever seriously broached with one person, the idea of ever speaking about it with someone new is kind of scary.

Thanks again one and all!

I think many of us felt this way. I know that I did. In fact, I'm still working on opening up about it.

 

[infinity706]

When i was a nurse we were taught that 'pain is whatever the patient says it is and exists when the patient says it does.' I think the same goes for kink. There is no benchmark or line to cross before you consider yourself 'kinky.' There are plenty of people who do kinky things and would never consider that their lighter activities could fall under the BDSM umbrella. We try very much to get away from any culture of 'kinkier than thou' or scoffing at people who think a blindfold and an ice-cube are extreme. It's all different strokes for different folks. Do what you like and call it whatever you think it is.

A blindfold and an ice cube could be extreme in some cases. I met a woman one time that had a really sensitive clit and was out of her mind with pain from an ice cube on it. I guess you mean in general, though.