Is it normal to NOT want to receive oral?

[tbs230]

Ok, so this is a Is It question and not a How To question, but I don't think I've ever asked a how to question...anyway, I was reading a thread and someone mentioned that he did not like to receive fellatio during sex. Now, as a female if there is any oral sex going on, I prefer to be on the giving side rather than the receiving. Maybe it's a comfort thing, or a trust thing, or maybe it's a power thing, I don't know. I was just wondering if it was a normal thing. Any one want to give some advice on this, I've been asked why by many a people, and I don't know how to respond.

 

[SweetErika]

What is "normal" anyway?

From what I've heard here, it's not particularly uncommon for women, especially for younger ones, to not want to receive oral.

In fact, I was like that when I was about your age. One reason was I was self-conscious, partly because I'd heard all of the 'fish' jokes and comments about other women for years at that point, and one time my husband agreed with/laughed when a male friend said it was kind of gross because we pee right there (like men don't, or urine isn't sterile ), and Hubby had had a bad experience with a previous girlfriend. All of that added up to me worrying that I didn't smell and taste okay (even though I didn't detect problems and he assured me it was fine) and it wasn't enjoyable for him.

He also didn't appear enthusiastic about it, so neither was I. While he doesn't give a ton of feedback in the first place, this was something I definitely needed it on, and when I didn't get it even though he knew I was uncomfortable, I figured he was doing it out of a sense of obligation or something.

Finally, it just didn't feel great; I couldn't figure out why women raved about oral because it wasn't doing anything special for me. Because of that and my mental block (which had a large hand in making it ho-hum, of course), I let Hubby do it for a couple of minutes and yanked him back up to have sex, without ever giving him any real feedback on what I *might* like or want him to try. I just didn't communicate well, and he never bothered to ask or pay attention on the rare occasions that something felt good and I tried to encourage him to do more of it. And of course I told him I preferred other stuff, so we didn't do it very much, and when we did, it was his same, jumpy, unpleasureable routine.

Anyway, I became more comfortable with myself, a better communicator, we talked about it, started experimenting, he began listening, and as we started to find things that worked, we BOTH became enamored with it. I still have to shower (or at a minimum, do a spongebath) beforehand and don't come easily from oral alone, but when I'm with someone I care about and feel very comfortable with, I feel completely different that I did even 3-4 years ago.

It's not for everyone, but I really wish I'd known what I do now back then because it caused a lot of stress and I missed out on a ton of pleasure and intimacy unnecessarily.

If you don't enjoy it, fine, but I'd advise you to embrace the possibility that your feelings will change in time. Perhaps you just haven't been with the right partner or in a relationship where you're comfortable enough to be honest and really explore it. The worst that can happen is your feelings won't change, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

[silverwhisper]

i have nothing to add to erika's excellent and complete response.

ed

 

[Starbuck69]

Its not for every one, even though I love going down on my wife she doesn't care for it very often, she has told me she needs to be in the mood for it, so as far as being normal, well hell I agree with SweetErika, what is normal?

As long as the two of you are happy that is what really matters doesn't it.

 

[jerseyman1963]

"Normal," quote unquote, is whatever turns YOU on, or as the case may be, doesn't. It's entirely personal.

I have a male friend who has only masturbated once, and didn't like it, and has never done it again. I can't imagine such a thing, but that seems to work for him.

I had a girlfriend once who didn't like me going down on her. I couldn't imagine that, because I really enjoy giving it, which is one of many reasons we didn't last as a couple, but we're still friends and she's happily married now, and I assume she found a man whose sexual tastes aligned with hers.

I have a woman friend of color who has issues giving oral sex to white men. She's mostly color blind when it comes to relationships, but when it comes to that one act, a bunch of power and control issues kick in that she has to work through in a serious relationship.

I personally can't imagine being shackled and chained to a wall and being whipped with a cat o' nine tails would be a turn on for me, although I know people for whom it is.

Just throwing these random things out there as examples that what you like and don't, what turns you on and doesn't, what's "normal" to one person and "abnormal" to another, are all highly personal. There's no right or wrong when it comes to physical intimacy. Whatever works for you is your "normal."

 

[bunnislippers]

is there such a thing as normal?

I'm not really into receiving oral sex, and this seems to surprise men a lot... i love giving, but not receiving. Maybe it's the way I'm built, or maybe it's because of the type of sex I like to have, but I have never received oral sex that is that great.... I know for me it's not a comfort thing, or a mental thing, but I obviously can't speak for your reasons.

I know it's definitely not bizarre to not like oral if that helps at all...

 

[Stegral]

My 2 cents

SweetErika said it all
It is perfectly fine to NOT want it.
I LOVE both giving & recieving oral, but there are times when I could do without getting.
These times would include (but are NOT limited to):
1) Just before I "bleed" (or during for that matter...)
2) After work, before a shower (my job is very physical & I sweat)
3) First thing in the morning (needing to pee)
4) When my partner makes it seem like it is a chore (they are just not into it)
5) When I have just fallen asleep & my partner comes in 1/2 hr later (DUH!)
6) When I feel something in our relationship is "off" & needs to be addressed
7) If the last time I got hurt somehow (bites, fingernails, tears...)
8) If I want to cuddle for a bit b4 sex of ANY kind

I may have missed some things but I think I got the most important ones...
I have forgone getting oral a few times because I am NOT very vocal
If my partner just can't read body language (unfair I know) they end up frustrating me to a point I pull them up off me.

 

[tanyachrs]

Trouble with oral sex is everyone makes out like you're supposed to be enjoying it so much and sometimes it's not that great. So here's this "special treat" that you feel obliged to at least pretend to be enjoying and the whole time you're wondering if there's something wrong with you or something wrong with him or if the rest of the world is lying about how great it is. Meantime, all the attention is on you and this great enjoyment you're not having. Of course you wouldn't want that. Me either.

There is such a thing as fantastic oral sex and when you're on the receiving end of it, all that other stuff goes right out of your head. Trouble is, fantastic oral sex isn't as easy to find as some people would have us believe. So keep trying with new partners and feel free to give up on anyone who isn't cutting it. Of course you should be "communicating" what works for you orally but if you've never had really good oral sex you may not know exactly what that is. Chances are you'll experience it someday. Then the frustration is knowing what you're missing.

 

[SweetErika]

Of course you should be "communicating" what works for you orally but if you've never had really good oral sex you may not know exactly what that is.

Hubby and I were in that position, and tried the drawing the alphabet and numbers with varying pressure like others here suggested. It's a good way to see which motions and areas feel best; I just communicated and let him know when something was really good, then he played around with that move/spot, honing his technique.

So, for anyone who doesn't know what they like or what to do, I'd suggest asking them to try the alphabet and telling their partners they'll communicate when something feels better than the rest (or asking a female partner to do the same).

 

[Phalanx1710]

I MUCH prefer giving oral to receiving it.
I put it down to never having had decent oral sex performed on me, and therefore wanting to save time and the embarassment of the whole thing.

I also suppose I like to be a little in control, and also I love making other people happy

 

[tanyachrs]

You know, SweetErika, it's an unusual thing for two people who've been together a while to improve their sex life so much and to take such trouble doing it. You must be an amazing couple.

 

[tbs230]

Thank you SweetErika, that was VERY helpful. I tend to use the word normal a lot, even though I know it's a relative term . Some of the concerns you pointed out are exactly the fears that I also have.

Thank you EVERYONE for the responses, I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in this, it seems that everyone around me has issues with this preference, it's a relief to find like-minded people.

I do find it difficult to tell the person I'm intimate with that I don't like it. It feels like a chore to explain myself and since I'm not a very verbal person it's that much harder. He tends to head in that direction and I start to panic and of course that adds stress to the situation and makes it that much more difficult for me to relax; and sometimes he might just want to kiss my belly. I mean I can't tell him to NOT move lower than my chest, that's insane. I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

[Mr.G]

I'll 2nd (or 5th) that motion.

WTF is "normal"

Doesn't exist.

Do what turns your crank.

" I don't know what I'm going to do."

Try TELLING him.

BUT

Also realize that some guys feel the same way you do. I love getting sucked on and all kinds of intercourse and being semi-kinky when the mood / situation is right BUT what I get off on more than anything else is knowing I am making HER feel THE best I can. I get off emotionally in a far deeper, more satisfying way, knowing I'm blowing her socks off than my 3 second orgasm! I don't think I could have a good sex life with somebody who only wanted to please me and didn't want anything in return.

I would explain to him that this is how you feel right now so he backs off a bit from trying to gobble you all the time. I would also search my soul and maybe my past to try and determine why you don't feel comfortable when he goes down on you. Many women grow up thinking "down there" is dirty and ugly whereas your SO probably thinks anything but that and genuinely wants to please you.

You didn't say whether you feel good PHYSICALLY when he does that - just that mentally you prefer to be doing rather than receiving. If it does feel good then it is a simple matter of adjusting your attitude to allow yourself to feel good, let him make you feel good and thenh return the favor. Making love, like most aspects of a GOOD relationship is 80% giving. Realize he feels the same way about making you feel good as you do.

Things could be different and sadly typical for MANY couples. He could be an uncaring lout who would rather get a fork in the eye than eat you and going down on him is an exercise in not having him choke you to death in the process.

Learn to share the joy and you'll both feel better.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to receive. I'm in agreement with what Erika and Mr. G have said already. My two cents on it is from a little bit different perspective though.

I used to hate receiving oral because I never ever orgasm from it. There is not mental block on my part, it's just not something that does enough for me to get me to that point. There was a long time though that I felt that if I were receiving oral, then I had to orgasm otherwise there is no point to it. It was giving me a feeling like I was letting the guy down or making him feel inadequate for not bringing me to an orgasm while he was giving me oral.

I've learned a lot though over time and it's not an inadequacy thing or an expectation anymore. I've found that most of the time, I can reach orgasm while receiving oral so long as I'm getting some other form of stimulation as well. I dont usually say to the guy "you're doing it all wrong" but get my hands involved and show him what I like or need. I have yet to get any complaints about this approach and it helps a lot with the not being a very verbal person.

 

[shy slave]

You are not alone.

In r/l I have never met another woman who dislikes it, most women I talk to think I must have some abuse issues in my past or be wired wrong.

In truth I hate receiving oral.

I tell men and their reaction is always the same 'well you just haven't met the right man'

FFS!! I have met lots of men, and I know fucking hate it.

Without fail every man has tried to be 'the one'

The only way I can cope is to zone out whilst he is down there. A bit like meditation.

I have actually enjoyed it once, I was quite tipsy though.

In general the whole receiving oral thing can make me feel sick or make me cry.

Luckily Andante doesn't insist that this is a part of our lives. I would struggle if it was.

Over the past few years I have simply told them and made it clear it is not a debate. If they have strayed there I have been known to move, stop everything and once slap them on the back of the head. Nothing stops a man quicker than thinking he won't get a fuck if he continues his behaviour.
I actually think it is rude of them to insist that they can be different. If they say 'I don't like my cock bitten' You don't try and convince them that it would be good if you did it.
Adults generally know their own minds, if they try to persuade you it is as if they doubt you know who you are.

 

[eudaemonia]

I actually think it is rude of them to insist that they can be different. If they say 'I don't like my cock bitten' You don't try and convince them that it would be good if you did it.

Well said. I like how you stated that it's not a debate point. You know yourself best and that's all the justification necessary.

If I really, really liked the guy and he did (nicely) push the debate a bit I'd probably say, "Look, if I change my mind (on the matter), you'll be the first to know ... believe me!" I'd say it with a smile and change the subject ... or maybe grab his hand and place it, erm, elsewhere.