Is it "normal" for you?

[riff]

I used this word today as I was talking about relationships with a friend in RL.

In a chat with someone here, when told her that I was 38 and had never been married, she asked me why. And I got to thinking about it.

I got to thinking about how much the environment in which we grow up affects our relationships. I don't mean platonic relationships. I mean long term sexual relationships and love.

Weeks ago someone posted about how we can allow how family life as a child, has a lot of affect on how we view things.

Marriage, for instance. I imagine that I would like to be married one day, but when I look at the things that I learned about it as a child (it was a rollercoaster, promise), I realize that I have two things to deal with right now. First, I was taught by society that it was supposed to be good, by everyone I knew, that marriage was a good thing. And yet, what I learned from watching my parents. I wouldn't know what a normal marriage was if it slapped me in the face.

Is it self-punishment? A conflict between what I want and a reality I lived? At 38, having feared that reality for so long, have I created an unattainable fantasy to compensate? How can someone who has never experienced "normal" conceive what "normal" is? Is it then a matter of finding someone as scarred and bruised as I am? As fucked up in the head? It's confusing. To say, "find what is normal for you" seems such an empty case. What is normal for me? I thought I had delt with this already. I just don't know what is normal for me anyore... or the old normal isn't working.

Think I need a shrink? Notice that I do not hide behind a smile.

 

[christophe]

You will know! When you find that right someone you cant imagine another day going by in your life without them their, thats when it becomes apparent!


Give it time and dont rush yourself, hell i have known many a person who wasnt married untill their 40's and they actually do better, primarily because they have seen what destroys many other marrages!

 

[riff]

You will know! When you find that right someone you cant imagine another day going by in your life without them their, thats when it becomes apparent!


Give it time and dont rush yourself, hell i have known many a person who wasnt married untill their 40's and they actually do better, primarily because they have seen what destroys many other marrages!

All due respect, C. I have heard this my entire life. I don't know what the deal is.

 

[Ice Cold]

There are lots of definitions for normal. Society shows us many things, how we use and interpret that knowledge and apply it to our own lives is something different.

When my parents split up, it didn't effect my views on marriage or family. It strengthened my resolve to one day be married myself.
Not just to be married, but to have a good working marriage, built on a solid foundation.

The trick for me is to find the right person who is compatible enough to enjoy the ride and grow as a person with me in the confines of marriage.

As much as the desire is there to be married I make sure I am not rushing into any relationship with that as an end goal in mind. My focus should be on that person, not where they can lead me to.

That's how it is for me at least.

 

[Guest]

 

[christophe]

Ah but that is the real trick, and the real trap, no one does. Getting married because it is available or it seems like the thing to do at the time, I feel, leads to disaster. On the other hand, I f you avoid it for the fear of failure, you could let that perfect someone pass you by.

I wish I could tell you exactly what to expect, if I could i would be very wealthy...In fact I am not!

I can wish you the best of luck, and hope when you do find her, that you will know

 

[riff]

Riff,

I'll turn 32 this year, and I can't ever imagine being married. I almost got there once, well, twice, actually, but backed out at the last minute. I'll live happily with someone, but marriage just scares the hell outta me.

Unusual for a woman, I know

Just go with the flow

Don't think it is that unusual. Anyone could be scared of that.

Maybe I'll turn out to be one of those people that just lives with someone. What they call "common law" marriage round here.

Christophe- I wholly agree. I don't want to get married just so experience being married. Maybe it is a matter of "You can tell a lot about where you are going by where you have been?"

I come from fucking shitsville! Fucking blighted area!

 

[Starfish]

I love being married.... Now. It's been rough, but it is funny how once you get to the point of not caring about whether or not you make a go of it, and you just start living that things seem to fall into place.

We live a weird life. It is not normal at all. It is really different from most of the people around us, and I veiw us as more normal than them because we don't fake it when we are mad, or hide how much we really make behind flashy leased cars, and home with a third mortgage. We are are just us. I am more apt to think that kids smashing the neighbors pumpkins is hilarious, than would most people in my area. It is just so funny to me that they get so uptight about it. It's a fucking vegitable for crying out loud.

Okay, I may not be the norm, but I am down to earth and most folks live with their heads up their asses.

Hows that?

 

[riff]

Weren't yuu saying somethng about yours failing recently? It odd

 

[Starfish]

That was me being a whiney pre menstrual crackhead.

Well, Let's just say that I was pretty sure that if he didn't start changing that it would.

Little did I know that if I just made a little change, it would be all better.

I stopped giving a shit about the fact that he doesn't listen to me.

See what I mean about the "funny how if you stop worrying...." bit?

Alls fine. Your right... It's weird.