Is it always this way?

[FaithfulPrimros]

Like I said in the introduction thread, I was someone's sub about 5 years ago, but when the relationship turned abusive, I got out and left the entire lifestyle behind. Well, now I'm about to dive back in with my husband as my Dom, and I'm pretty excited, but also really nervous and I have a lot of questions.

That said, I joined another BDSM website, and I feel like every single question I ask is being met with snark, sarcasm, and rudeness. The members there all seem pretty arrogant and elitist, and it's not the first time that I've encountered this from people in the BDSM community any time I try and ask a question about something. It happened on that same site 5 years ago and even when I'd try and meet up with people in the community, I felt like there was an air of superiority about anyone who I tried to ask questions. Have you found that this is generally your experience, especially when starting out and trying to find information? Sure it's helpful to be pointed toward books and other reading materials (which is the primary answer I get over on this other site), but I'm asking questions because I'm interested in the experiences of other people, and it just seems like I'm being met with resistance when all I'm trying to do is find answers, support, and guidance.

Sorry I'm venting a little bit. I'm just starting to feel really discouraged.

 

[NikiCole]

YES! There were a few on this site that I have encountered. But the majority, here, have been very very very helpful. I joined fetlife, but I encountered that, 'I don't want to be bothered, you're not enough' attitude with several. And finding any in my community willing to just chat and answer question near impossible.
But here, they seem to open their mouths more. Ask in a public thread, the more responses you'll get.
Get to know people, they open up more too.

 

[FaithfulPrimros]

YES! There were a few on this site that I have encountered. But the majority, here, have been very very very helpful. I joined fetlife, but I encountered that, 'I don't want to be bothered, you're not enough' attitude with several. And finding any in my community willing to just chat and answer question near impossible.
But here, they seem to open their mouths more. Ask in a public thread, the more responses you'll get.
Get to know people, they open up more too.

Fet is the website I'm talking about too! There seems to be this attitude of proving your worth to be involved or even interested in BDSM. It's impossible to even glean good advice from the groups because comments are consistently couched in snark, insults, and personal attacks; it's a giant circle jerk between commenters congratulating themeslves on their wit and ability to make the new kid feel unwelcome and ostracized.

Thank you, though. That's really comforting to hear

 

[NikiCole]

Just be patient, ask your questions, talk with a few people here. There is snark here and there, but dive in and ask. I'm still new and I ask tons of questions. The library is really good too.

 

[jen_litgirl]

I have been surprised by how helpful, considerate and kind people on the BDSM boards are. Don't get me wrong, step on some toes and someone may take your eye out but in general you can ask honest questions and you're liable to get some great feedback by some wonderful people.

I would suggest watching the posts and looking for someone who consistently posts things that align with your beliefs and then send them a PM with a specific question or comment on something that they've posted. It's an easy to to put yourself out there and letting someone get to know you.

I'll go back to lurking now.

 

[Micklesko]

I am sorry you have had the negative experiences you've had.
It is just not acceptable to treat others that way.
I have been on a number of sites over the past years and when I encounter someone who is negative and abusive...yes abusive...which is the way you were treated by those you reached out to for help.

If someone makes a statement like that to me or just puts it out there for anyone to read, I will usually just ignore them. If they try to throw it directly at me then I shove it back in their face.
I will make my point and then leave and will not communicate with them again.

I CHOOSE to be around people who are positive, peaceful, and helpful, and I try to be the same type of person. Hopefully, I succeed more times than I fail.

So please, let me offer my ear if you wish to talk about ...whatever.
I do not judge and will offer my opinion, if you desire it, as best I can in truthfulness.

There are good people who will help with a good heart. Don't give up.

M

 

[kiwi_submissive]

I have given advice and information to numerous subs in the past. Most of it was ignored because the romanticised version is alot more fun than reality which is not what most of them want to know.

Another problem I had is that I found I was turning into a counseller and I am not qualified to deal with mental health issues.

These days, I keep to myself as much as possible. I have given enough people advice and when I went to events I want to enjoy myself not play Camp Mother and answer questions about whether something hurts or not or how long marks from a caning last for or where can someone find themselves a Dom.

I would never be purposely mean to someone asking questions, I understand that we all had to start somewhere but I am really not a people person and answering the same question over and over just gets tiring.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I answer questions here because sex sexuality and identity are the lens though which I view the world. I've spent five decades puzzling over those questions. I gotta feel for other people who are puzzling things out now-- younger.

At the play parties I host, however, I don't do demos. That's hands-on play time.

Other people might coach a newbie with a flogger if they feel like it, but there are a thousand and one demos and classes available here. There is only one night per month for women to play with other women.

 

[suckmytitties]

Fet is the website I'm talking about too! There seems to be this attitude of proving your worth to be involved or even interested in BDSM. It's impossible to even glean good advice from the groups because comments are consistently couched in snark, insults, and personal attacks; it's a giant circle jerk between commenters congratulating themeslves on their wit and ability to make the new kid feel unwelcome and ostracized.

Thank you, though. That's really comforting to hear

I think you just need to find the right group on Fet. Try the Novices and Newbies group on Fet. I mod a few groups on Fet, and yes, see some bad behavior, but all in all, most people are friendly. And even with everything online, there is no substitute for getting out and meeting people at munches and play parties. My local group has an educational topic, each month, so we all can learn. We host sub forums so subs can meet without Dom pressure, and we do new member meetings as well.
Good luck!

 

[IrisAlthea]

I have been surprised by how helpful, considerate and kind people on the BDSM boards are. Don't get me wrong, step on some toes and someone may take your eye out but in general you can ask honest questions and you're liable to get some great feedback by some wonderful people.

I would suggest watching the posts and looking for someone who consistently posts things that align with your beliefs and then send them a PM with a specific question or comment on something that they've posted. It's an easy to to put yourself out there and letting someone get to know you.

I'll go back to lurking now.

That would work fine for getting to know people but if you really want to learn new things, limiting yourself to asking the people who only post things that align with your own view might not be the best idea.
Like NikiCole said before: Ask in a public thread, get a lot of different perspectives and possibly but not necessarily some snark with that. Then you can process that information as you see fit.

 

[Marquis]

Like I said in the introduction thread, I was someone's sub about 5 years ago, but when the relationship turned abusive, I got out and left the entire lifestyle behind. Well, now I'm about to dive back in with my husband as my Dom, and I'm pretty excited, but also really nervous and I have a lot of questions.

That said, I joined another BDSM website, and I feel like every single question I ask is being met with snark, sarcasm, and rudeness. The members there all seem pretty arrogant and elitist, and it's not the first time that I've encountered this from people in the BDSM community any time I try and ask a question about something. It happened on that same site 5 years ago and even when I'd try and meet up with people in the community, I felt like there was an air of superiority about anyone who I tried to ask questions. Have you found that this is generally your experience, especially when starting out and trying to find information? Sure it's helpful to be pointed toward books and other reading materials (which is the primary answer I get over on this other site), but I'm asking questions because I'm interested in the experiences of other people, and it just seems like I'm being met with resistance when all I'm trying to do is find answers, support, and guidance.

Sorry I'm venting a little bit. I'm just starting to feel really discouraged.

I think this is a problem with any community but I have also experienced this, both online and in person. When I moved to South Florida in 2004, I found a really robust kink community and became a part of it. There were those that welcomed me with open arms and others who somehow felt like it was their job to be absolute dicks. They treated me like I should have to suck their dicks for any bit of information they shared and I saw them treat others that way as well. I think the truth is that people who feel the need to act that way often have the least to offer, or maybe they're just going through some temporary period of insecurity and you might have better luck with them in a few months.

 

[mijayoo]

Fet is the website I'm talking about too! There seems to be this attitude of proving your worth to be involved or even interested in BDSM. It's impossible to even glean good advice from the groups because comments are consistently couched in snark, insults, and personal attacks; it's a giant circle jerk between commenters congratulating themeslves on their wit and ability to make the new kid feel unwelcome and ostracized.

Thank you, though. That's really comforting to hear

I left Fet for that very reason, between very aggressive guys and being treated with contempt when I had a question I fianlly had enough. There seems to be alot more patient and knowledgable people on this site. Mija

 

[DVS]

I think this is a problem with any community but I have also experienced this, both online and in person. When I moved to South Florida in 2004, I found a really robust kink community and became a part of it. There were those that welcomed me with open arms and others who somehow felt like it was their job to be absolute dicks. They treated me like I should have to suck their dicks for any bit of information they shared and I saw them treat others that way as well. I think the truth is that people who feel the need to act that way often have the least to offer, or maybe they're just going through some temporary period of insecurity and you might have better luck with them in a few months.

I agree with a lot of what Marquis has said. I've also experienced the bitches and dickheads in my online posting as well as in person. Because I can't be a regular to every event that's held, I don't frequent my local groups any more. So, I'm always the outsider and outsiders are seen as either newbies or possible threats.

Also, I've seen a lot of inside fighting in local groups, causing them to break apart and create rival groups. If you were a member of one group, you almost had to hate members of the other group. I don't know if this childish behavior is just people being people or if BDSM has some input, but it does happen. It even happens here. I've seen it happen for no reason other than something someone said was misunderstood by another. Sometimes, once it starts it's impossible to correct and the thread turns into a free for all.

But, for the most part, if you ask a question in the Talk forum, I think you'll get more than one good answer from people. The Talk forum is meant for serious questions so I'd hope posters would respect someone's legitimate desire for answers. If you happen to get what seems like a snarky post here and there, just ignore it. Every so often we get someone who can't resist a dig when they see the chance. Try to take it in stride. A bit of a thick skin helps when posting in forums like this.

In my opinion, Fet is a great place for some people, and a crappy one for others. Some of my posts have been totally ignored there, just because nobody knows me. Yes, I know...me, DVS ignored?