Is it always for them?

[ammre]

I'm submissive, and while i often think, If it pleases him it will be done. But i also have a problem.

I have never orgasmed from stimulation by another person or with another person. While this may fuel my submissiveness, "I'm his and he can do what he wants whether i get pleasure or not" It's also disheartening. When you can't orgasm, no matter how hard you try or how interesting your sex is, sexual activity, after a while, is disappointing.

Which leads to my question, (subs) How much of your activities is really for your dom's pleasure? (Dom's) Do your activities center around pleasing yourself or making your partner pleased?

I can anticipate an answer of "Striving for pleasure for both" But just imagine yourself in my situation (i'm trying to start a topic and basically ask for advice too).

 

[Lancecastor]

Could be you have something to work on and your submissiveness is actually a barrier to your becoming complete sexually...by giving yourself over you could in fact be denying yourself pleasure.

Or perhaps you've simply not met the right partner yet.

Those were the two things that popped in my mind when I read your post.

I've been the first guy to make a few backs arch involuntarily...it's a wonderful thing to watch a woman experience her first mind-blowing orgasms.

 

[kayte]

I'm submissive, and while i often think, If it pleases him it will be done. But i also have a problem.

I have never orgasmed from stimulation by another person or with another person. While this may fuel my submissiveness, "I'm his and he can do what he wants whether i get pleasure or not" It's also disheartening. When you can't orgasm, no matter how hard you try or how interesting your sex is, sexual activity, after a while, is disappointing.

Which leads to my question, (subs) How much of your activities is really for your dom's pleasure? (Dom's) Do your activities center around pleasing yourself or making your partner pleased?

I can anticipate an answer of "Striving for pleasure for both" But just imagine yourself in my situation (i'm trying to start a topic and basically ask for advice too).

Is it always for Him? Yes it is. I belong to Him. That includes my pleasure too.

It is also for me too. He sees that my needs are met.

That is all part of it.

Reading your post distresses me greatly. If I understand you, you can bring yourself to a satisfying orgasm?

You are saying you have never reached that state with another, no matter what you have done?

Not knowing what you are doing with your partner, I wonder if you are now trying too hard, being too exotic, and you are too worried, too tense and you can't let go.

 

[ammre]

I've had 3 partners 2 'nilla and the present one part BDSM (we do it occasionally but for every other night of the week when we dont' have a long time to play it's just normal sex) One of my nilla partners had a running claim to fame 12 girls all had orgasms with him, me, luckey number 13 broke his record. The relationship i'm in now has been going on for over a year and i love him greatly and he loves me too and he tries to peleasure me as others have tried too, he's not selfish. and yes i can get myself off.
While i love being submissive, and i love giving him pleasure i have been growing the gerrn monster of jealiousy over the fact that only he gets an orgasm out of the expierence.

I hear those soties about women begging to let themselves cum and i jsut so aggrivated. I mean does that really happen? and why the hell can't it happen for me?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Like you, I have difficulty also. I have learned that I have to totally relax and that is not always easy in the frenzy of a sexual encounter... even with a partner you know well and are very comfortable with.

Luckily, I had a partner (Dom) who took great pleasure in watching me orgasm and also, bringing me to orgasm. He is/was very patient and took delight in it. That helped me a great deal as did being able to take my time and relax.

 

[WillowPuss]

<snip>
I hear those soties about women begging to let themselves cum and i jsut so aggrivated. I mean does that really happen? and why the hell can't it happen for me?

Yes, it does happen.
I have been with R for over 26 years now - so He knows me and my body extremely well.
He brings me to orgasm - but I have to wait for His word before I get the final release.


But - just to set your mind at rest a little - it was many years before I actually experienced an orgasm. It was me at fault as I was unable to let go, to relax fully and shut my mind down to concentrate on the sensations my body was experiencing.

 

[Pure]

Hi Amre,

you said,

//I have never orgasmed from stimulation by another person or with another person. While this may fuel my submissiveness, "I'm his and he can do what he wants whether i get pleasure or not" It's also disheartening. When you can't orgasm, no matter how hard you try or how interesting your sex is, sexual activity, after a while, is disappointing. //

//(subs) How much of your activities is really for your dom's pleasure? (Dom's) Do your activities center around pleasing yourself or making your partner pleased? //

Occasionally I have succeeded where others have failed, but this attitude is to take resp. for something that is yours. You can do it or let it happen.

First, I don't think this is a rare problem. Second, when you say 'with another person' what do you mean? Same as 'by stimulation from another'? Or do you mean, when the other is present at all, say in the same room?

It you can come while the other is present, on a 'do it yourself basis', I think you can move ahead by blurring the line. For instance, a) be in his arms, b) let his hand be on yours, c) cooperatively try something, like he licks you while you use your hand. Iow have him in some way be part of the stimulation, unless of course you mean he must be absent the the scene.

Even if that's the case, that line can be blurred, such as being on the phone.

As to your 'sub' question, I'm not sure what you're saying, is it,
"Can a sub serve a dom, if he can't make her come?" or "Can a sub be serving when she makes herself come, since she's 'for herself'?"

Well, if he requires your coming directly by his efforts, you can't do that, as you say. If, however, he require you make him come whenever he pleases, I see no problem. Iow if he's a dom who leaves your 'coming' to you --doesn't get involved one way or another as long as his needs are met-- I see no problem. Your service is more complete since you do it for him, without coming.

Further. In a way, I see controlling you to be easier given what you say.
He says, "Only when I [am watching and] say so, can you come."
depending whether watching is possible. It seems to me that a sub who masturbates (who doesn't come any other way) and puts that under the dom/me's control, , in a sense is a more complete 'slave', i.e. more enslaved.

This presumes he likes your masturbation and gets off on controlling it. It seems many males would fit that. We'd love to see a woman 'do herself' for our benefit (and of course provide necessary services before and after). You simply need a male who's not going to beat himself up over what's really your issue.

I hope this helps, and as quint says, these things, with a relaxed approach, often resolve. In the remain cases the 'problem' disappears, since both parties cease defining it as a problem: i.e., it's no different from say, the partner's not being able to make you sneeze.

Best,
J.

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

I must say all the posts have been very good and much better than I could come up with but, I would guess tis a problem you have with letting go mentally more than anything else. You need to try for relaxation more if you could do something which makes you relax more is my immediate thought
Good luck my lady
Bachlum Chaam

 

[serijules]

I had this problem, and for me, it was the "just haven't found the right partner" reason. I used to fake sooo many orgasms because it was just too damn frustrating. I think the anxiety of knowing they expected it or wanted it from me made it impossible...performance anxiety.

I explained all this to my Domme before we got together, and she offered to help me overcome it, since there would be no pressure to please, no pressure to perform, no disappointment or hurt feelings on her part by taking it personally. And it worked...

 

[evesdream]

Which leads to my question, (subs) How much of your activities is really for your dom's pleasure? (Dom's) Do your activities center around pleasing yourself or making your partner pleased?

I can anticipate an answer of "Striving for pleasure for both" But just imagine yourself in my situation (i'm trying to start a topic and basically ask for advice too).

Yes, I am very turned on by stories where the woman is allowed no pleasure, even that of the self-realization of her enjoyment of hard use, abuse, humiliation. But, I understand that the only reason I read them is because it is pleasurable to me to do so. Hm. I am still not sure how one blends one's desire to please in a submissive nature with one's own desires in such a way that they become one, what the process or zygotic moment *really* is.

That said, my cache of orgasmic experience is small. Before spectacular cunnilingus entered my life, most of my orgasms in my earliest and mainly 'nilla relationship happened only when my mind was in the right place, in fantasy, actually superimposing my secret idea of fun and his mental process, on what was actually happening. So I became used to getting off back then in an almost entirely psychological way. But now with more experience of what I want under my belt, consciously fantasizing helps me to zero in on what elements I need in order to get off.

Thinking about what I am going to do and how i am going to submit visually and emotionally is a great precursor. Doing the deed in actuality is the main attraction. Being able to think about what i did visually and internally is a great post-cursor. The 3 acts together in succession form a pleasure continuum. Then stepping outside the 3-rings and visualizing the whole 3-step process as an observer, helps me to codify and validate my own pleasure zones.

This is what I’ve been working on as a personal project:

This mostly pleases me physically.
This mostly pleases me mentally.
This mostly pleases me both physically and mentally.

This mostly pleases my lover physically.
This mostly pleases my lover mentally.
This mostly pleases my lover both physically and mentally.

This mostly pleases us both physically.
This mostly pleases us both mentally.
This mostly pleases us both physically and mentally


This pleases me because it pleases my lover, mentally.
This pleases me because it pleases my lover, physically.
This pleases me because it pleases my lover, both mentally and physically.

Without stressing over right answers, I find this sort of breakdown fun, as well as seeing how it changes at different points in my life.

Also, having someone to talk to about these things, who demands detail and introspection- though mainly for his purposes, it helps me a great deal.

Hope there's some helpfulness here for you ammre.

 

[Arden]

Ammre....

You are young, not twenty years old yet. Not that your age or ability to love has anything to do with it. Consider this, though. Your partners, to date, may have been in their teens or early-to-mid 20s. (Just guessing) Few of them have the experience and skill needed to know how to please a woman yet. They need to learn how to do these things, just as women need to learn how to please men, or women, whatever their chosen sexual path may be.

In my own experience, young males are first interested in pleasing themselves. Their emotional/sexual development can vary based on experience and level of commitment to another. Those that want to learn how to give pleasure do. Some remain selfish and only take pleasure, ignoring your needs. That's called immaturity, and is not related to your own ability to have an orgasm.

I have never orgasmed from stimulation by another person or with another person. While this may fuel my submissiveness, "I'm his and he can do what he wants whether i get pleasure or not" It's also disheartening.

It should be disheartening. Giving, but never receiving pleasure makes no sense. In my opinion, D/s is not about denying your own pleasure completely, unless you choose that path together. Some do. Most don't. If there is no mutual pleasure, and you gain little from the relationship because of this, you may indeed be with the wrong person.

However, the giving and receiving of pleasure can also be something to strive for. It can be a lot of fun too, if both of you are willing to do what it takes to achieve results. Find a good time to discuss this with him. Have what you need too say ready in your mind, and present it with grace and dignity. You are offering your thoughts on making your relationship better. In a way, you'll be offering him more pleasure through yourself by being able to give him a beautiful orgasm.

Which leads to my question, (subs) How much of your activities is really for your dom's pleasure?

"Giving" your pleasure to another is mental as much as physical. In my mind, my pleasure is given only to him. He is the only one that I would consider giving that gift to because of our love and commitment to each other. So, in a way, my pleasure is his. I crave it, and I ask for it when the time is right.

I no longer play solo... in any manner. What I have found is that not "playing" alone makes sexual tension build incredibly. When I ask his permission to release for him, and am given that privilege -- be it in person, via phone sex or cyber -- it is more fulfilling because it is desperately needed by both of us to be one with each other. That's something very special.

I hope my ramblings may have helped, ammre. Good luck!

 

[Quint]

Speaking from what I'm familiar with, the physical part could be as simple as the methods used. I don't have g-spot orgasms and my clit is too sensitive to give me orgasms from it being "accidentally" rubbed during sex, so I don't come from intercourse. It's hard enough to do it with fingers, vibes, or especially oral. If it isn't too personal, how HAVE you been able to come by yourself? Is there an obvious difference between your methods and the sensation given to you by a partner? That's something that needs to be talked out--mostly on your side.

As for who pleases who...the ever-present conundrum is that although some relationships are based upon the "my pleasure is strictly and exclusively yours" theory, if that partner doesn't get ANY pleasure of their own, they'll be one pissy and disillusioned submissive. There is only so far a person's needs can be denied before they realize they are not getting anything. So yes, I will and do turn my wants over to him. He just realizes that in order to maintain my interest--I'm too self-serving to keep up being a good girl if I know I'll never get a reward for it--and well-being--I'm too honest to tell myself I don't DESERVE a reward, as the system goes--he has to give me some of what I want as well. In other words, I'd worry about the mechanics first, the mentality second.

I wish you luck.

 

[Netzach]

I get immensely irritated with "you haven't met the right partner."

I have never had the vaunted G spot orgasm. Not alone, not with a man, not with a woman. It's not for lack of poking around up there, it's just not that interesting.

I have spent a lot of time on solo missions, though, only came to partner sex at age 19, but not for lack of inhibition. In the interim I was spending a lot of quality time with myself, figuring out what works, what doesn't.

By the time I had people futzing around with my cunt, I was able to tell them what to do if they wanted an orgasmic result. Interestingly, while women often claim to have super-lesbo intuition about other women, I found that my female partners always made the most assumptions about what I'd like, and vice versa. You guessed it: they were G spot orgasmic and expected fireworks from poking me, I am clit-orgasmic only and rubbed them raw. So much for womanly intuition. I find that anecdotally funny, anyhow.

I like Pure and Quint's suggestions. What's working about when you do it vs. when someone else does it and do they know how to replicate the good stuff you do? If yes, the answer lies with mental stuff, relaxation, performance anxiety etc.

Personally, as a D(?) Top person of sorts, submissive telling me precisely how and what feels good and gets her off and how to do it is not a challenge to my authority...it's a giving over of vital information. If there's going to be any hope of getting her off, I want to know how. I want to know how she works, not how some fantasy blow-up femsub works so I can mistakenly apply that standard.

 

[serijules]

I get immensely irritated with "you haven't met the right partner."

*snip*

Personally, as a D(?) Top person of sorts, submissive telling me precisely how and what feels good and gets her off and how to do it is not a challenge to my authority...it's a giving over of vital information. If there's going to be any hope of getting her off, I want to know how. I want to know how she works, not how some fantasy blow-up femsub works so I can mistakenly apply that standard.

I agree with this, but I still think it takes the right person. I've met many men and woman that have no interest in me telling them what works and doesn't work for me, orgasm-wise. Thus, they are not the right partners for me. The one that ended up being the right partner for me to be able to orgasm with, was one that didn't feel their authority was challegenged or their ego shot by me telling them what I needed, or if I couldn't achive the desired effect.

Not challenging your opinion here, just sharing my thoughts on your comments.

 

[Netzach]

seijules....

thank you for making me think more about what I said. I should have specified.

I get immensely tired of "you haven't met the right partner" said with a dopey smirk that means "I can fix that for you, baby."

Trust me, it ain't broke, and if I can't figure it out, I doubt very much that anyone else is.

Meeting the right partner in the sense that *you* mean it, is always a good thing, and yes, critical.

 

[Zaudika]

I'm submissive, and while i often think, If it pleases him it will be done. But i also have a problem.

I have never orgasmed from stimulation by another person or with another person. While this may fuel my submissiveness, "I'm his and he can do what he wants whether i get pleasure or not" It's also disheartening. When you can't orgasm, no matter how hard you try or how interesting your sex is, sexual activity, after a while, is disappointing.

Which leads to my question, (subs) How much of your activities is really for your dom's pleasure? (Dom's) Do your activities center around pleasing yourself or making your partner pleased?

I can anticipate an answer of "Striving for pleasure for both" But just imagine yourself in my situation (i'm trying to start a topic and basically ask for advice too).

I'm sorry for your frustration.. and honestly I can't imagine how difficult that would be. The only suggestion I could give is taking a very long night to relax, enjoy each other, that eventually also leads to sexual play that's very slow and relaxed. Him focusing his attentions on you, for as long as it might take. It may be that you've already tried something like this. But it was the thought that came to my mind.

As far as your question goes. As being a submissive, my greatest desire is to please Him, and it's my main focus. He's a very giving and caring Dom and does always make sure I'm taken care of sexually and otherwise. Though for me, it can be a favorite thing at times to please Him, and not get pleasure at that time for myself and being made to wait.

I can see how that scenario would be really frustrating for you also.

One other thing I might suggest. You mentioned you can get yourself off. Possibly with some kind of toys? ... You know how this works for you, and perhaps on some night you can approach in a way as directing him with your hands, or voice, in the exact ways that you do things to make yourself orgasm.

I wish I could offer more advice or suggestions... but my best of luck wishes go out to you.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i can relate to this a bit. for me, my natural submissive nature strongly inhibits my ability to reach orgasm. however for me sexual pleasure isn't tied up in orgasm...expressing that pleasure, so that my partner knows i am feeling good, is difficult...and as an orgasm is such an open, obvious expression of sexual pleasure...i very rarely orgasm. it is very much a mental block. but i have stopped looking at it as a negative thing. i have a very satisfying sex life. my Master is very pleased with me. the other men he has me serve are pleased with me. what else matters?

my sexual pleasure has mostly to do with my partner's sexual pleasure....yes, i have my own sexual needs and desires...but if my partner doesn't need or desire those things, those things won't give me any pleasure. hope that makes sense. when my Master reaches orgasm with me for instance...it feels as if i have reached orgasm. i am as satiated and content as he is at that moment. i am fortunate to have a Master who is not so insecure that he feels the need to boost his ego by making me cum. He understands my nature, and doesn't feel there's anything wrong with me... in other words, he digs me as i am. if i never experienced sexual pleasure, he would be bothered...but he knows that is not the case.

 

[mindlover]

I've heard many mention that you "just need to relax more." I find that infinitely frustrating. I'm with you... mostly. There's only been one man that's been able to rock my world... and he did it EVERY time. BUT... it took a little time to get there, a lot of talk... and ultimately, he realized that my mind is an intrigal part of me sexually. It was because of him that I discovered how much words can turn me on!! So, I would recommend getting your mind involved... in whatever way that means for you. Don't let it wonder... stay focused, not in a stressful "I NEED this to happen" sort of way. Communication... I think it's always the key.

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

I've heard many mention that you "just need to relax more." I find that infinitely frustrating. I'm with you... mostly. There's only been one man that's been able to rock my world... and he did it EVERY time. BUT... it took a little time to get there, a lot of talk... and ultimately, he realized that my mind is an intrigal part of me sexually. It was because of him that I discovered how much words can turn me on!! So, I would recommend getting your mind involved... in whatever way that means for you. Don't let it wonder... stay focused, not in a stressful "I NEED this to happen" sort of way. Communication... I think it's always the key.

It appears I stand corrected

 

[ammre]

Thank you all for your help, comments, and advice.
To answer a question or two... i have mastribated infront of Him and he has touched my body and such, but i mastribate on my stomach, moving more of my body than my fingers, that makes it difficult for me to emulate those motions and that pressure. My current partner knows of these problems and he too has been trying ways. We are very honest with eachother. as for the previous partners, well let's jsut say i liked older men and both were in the range of 20-25, not inexpierenced and while one i'm not sure about the other i KNOW was near hell bent on getting me off (i think his ego was bruised really bad after the 14th or 15th try and he finally gave up) I wish i could say it was immaturity, but they tried.
My currant partner lost his virginity with me (and probably the majority of his purity points) if we happen to break up someday he'll be so amazed how easy it is with other women.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Thank you all for your help, comments, and advice.
To answer a question or two... i have mastribated infront of Him and he has touched my body and such, but i mastribate on my stomach, moving more of my body than my fingers, that makes it difficult for me to emulate those motions and that pressure. My current partner knows of these problems and he too has been trying ways. We are very honest with eachother. as for the previous partners, well let's jsut say i liked older men and both were in the range of 20-25, not inexpierenced and while one i'm not sure about the other i KNOW was near hell bent on getting me off (i think his ego was bruised really bad after the 14th or 15th try and he finally gave up) I wish i could say it was immaturity, but they tried.
My currant partner lost his virginity with me (and probably the majority of his purity points) if we happen to break up someday he'll be so amazed how easy it is with other women.

ammre, i just wanted to say...i also masturbate on my stomach! my fingers really don't play much of a part in it...(but unlike you, i don't cum this way either)...i thought i was the only woman who masturbated this way, glad to know i am not alone.

 

[Ebonyfire]

It all comes down to this

No man can give a woman an orgasm. A woman has to give herself the orgasm, or another way of putting it, she has to give herself permission to orgasm.

Some women take more time than others, and some need different stimulation that others, but the bottom line is that it is 905 a ehad game with women, and 10% technique.


I find that women have to teach men to please them. And that only works if you know what pleases you yourself.

I've had 3 partners 2 'nilla and the present one part BDSM (we do it occasionally but for every other night of the week when we dont' have a long time to play it's just normal sex) One of my nilla partners had a running claim to fame 12 girls all had orgasms with him, me, luckey number 13 broke his record. The relationship i'm in now has been going on for over a year and i love him greatly and he loves me too and he tries to peleasure me as others have tried too, he's not selfish. and yes i can get myself off.
While i love being submissive, and i love giving him pleasure i have been growing the gerrn monster of jealiousy over the fact that only he gets an orgasm out of the expierence.

I hear those soties about women begging to let themselves cum and i jsut so aggrivated. I mean does that really happen? and why the hell can't it happen for me?

 

[PinkOrchid]

Re: It all comes down to this

 

[redelicious]

Re: It all comes down to this

No man can give a woman an orgasm. A woman has to give herself the orgasm, or another way of putting it, she has to give herself permission to orgasm.

Some women take more time than others, and some need different stimulation that others, but the bottom line is that it is 905 a ehad game with women, and 10% technique.


I find that women have to teach men to please them. And that only works if you know what pleases you yourself.

Yep. I have had problems with this for as long as I have been having sex. It took me a long time to figure out how to trust myself enough to let go.

Having said that, I thinking having a Dom helped me a lot. Maybe it was because he was giving me permission, I honestly don't know. I still have to stimulate myself somehow during sex, but let me tell you, it's a major improvement from the orgasmless sex that I had for almost 20 years.


edited because I cant count