Is it a secret?

[Kailey_86]

As I have said before I am new to the D/s relationship so I am curious. I was wondering, how many people know about your D/s relationsip. Do you keep it a secret? I would imagine that your master would want you to be proud of the relationship. At the same time I could see how you might lose friendships because of your lifestyle choice.

I worry that if I told anyone I would be isolated. My family and friends would flip out if they found out what I liked. They would laugh hysterically at first and then, when they find out that I am serious, tell me that I am making a huge mistake and that I could do so much with my life without being controlled by a man. Any opinions?

 

[CutieMouse]

I suppose the older I get, the more private I become...

I see no reason why anyone but the closest confidant, should be graced with any details of my relationships. Mentioning a Lover in passing, or acknowledging that I am/was in a relationship is one thing; discussing our intimate moments, another.

I also don't wander about announcing my views/interests/etc with regards to kink or BDSM... I'll occasionally make a comment in passing that will raise an eyebrow, giving someone a glimpse into the "inner me", and I suspect I give off some sort of librarian-who-is-not-all-that-she-seems vibe (in general- based on how men behave around me), but in general- I keep my private life, private.

 

[catalina_francisco]

There are a number of discussions around this and it varies for everyone. For us some know and some don´t according to how we forsee the outcomes and relevance in their knowing. We are fairly quiet and private in our life, do not go to clubs, parties etc., and don´t feel a need to be seen as such.....just as much, we also do not overly go out of our way to hide all traces of who we are such as having different collars for different purposes etc.....just use one collar for private and public and is not one which can be passed off as a piece of jewellry.

As to my being proud of the relationship, we both are but that does not need to be shared with anyone for that to be our reality. Basically we are both people who care little for what others think in terms of choices we feel are right for us, so whether they know or not has little to do with how proud we are of each other and what we have nurtured and defined. Even if we were the only people in the world who knew the real terms of our relationship, it would not change what it is for us or who we are.

Catalina

 

[agibean]

I suppose the older I get, the more private I become...

I see no reason why anyone but the closest confidant, should be graced with any details of my relationships. Mentioning a Lover in passing, or acknowledging that I am/was in a relationship is one thing; discussing our intimate moments, another.

I also don't wander about announcing my views/interests/etc with regards to kink or BDSM... I'll occasionally make a comment in passing that will raise an eyebrow, giving someone a glimpse into the "inner me", and I suspect I give off some sort of librarian-who-is-not-all-that-she-seems vibe (in general- based on how men behave around me), but in general- I keep my private life, private.

This is us too. Our private life is just that.

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[Never]

This is an odd one for me.

I'm queer and understand the need to be 'out and proud' as treating one's sexuality like a dirty secret can be damaging in the long-term. At the same time, my partner's gender is something that's hard to miss, while a partner's tendency to dominate or submit can be difficult to observe outside of the bedroom.

If you and your partner have a D/s relationship outside of the bedroom, I think that's easy to explain. Many vanillas have no problem saying that "Bob/Mary is in charge of X, Y, & Z" or "I'm the one that wears the pants in this family." Say that often enough and people around you will just get that you're submissive or dominant without having to bring up any acronyms.

It's things like sexual bondage, caning, or humiliation that most people would have a problem with but the specifics of one's sexual proclivities are hardly public matters.

On the other hand, if you want to dress in leather and have a bumper sticker that reads "Have crop, will travel," rock on.

 

[Never]

"CutieMouse:"
" Mentioning a Lover in passing, or acknowledging that I am/was in a relationship is one thing; discussing our intimate moments, another."

That's a valid personal decision but it's not for me.

While I'm reserved in general, I think discussing one's sexuality with one's friends is good. My friend E called me up the other day and we commiserated on how badly we wanted to get laid, how grateful we were for vibrators, and the difficulty of getting off through 'just sex.' She has no problem telling me her thoughts on blowjobs and I have no problem telling her my thoughts on bootlicking.

I think it’s a poor refection on one's life and modern society in general that the majority of people are more comfortable discussing their sexuality and sexual interests with strangers online than they are with people they're close to in real life.

 

[GeekySub]

For me, there are things that I talk openly about and things I don't talk about.

For example, most people who know me, including my family, parents, and coworkers, are aware that I'm "a bit kinky".

In our culture these days, it's kind of ok to be interested in spanking and handcuffs and such, so I don't mind talking about that stuff. However, the really gory details are things only my closest friends know. I don't go around telling people that I'm really into pain play or humiliation or such..and I CERTAINLY don't tell people that I'm interested in a being a full time slave to someone. People would freak out about those things.

Depending on where you work and your personal situation, I see nothing wrong with keeping things quiet.

 

[Netzach]

Most of my intimate friends are people who are aware of, support, and can cope with varied levels of detail about my intimate life.

I don't get into hugely graphic detail with people who would be put off by it. If the particular friend is not one who would "talk sex" with me, I won't do that with them.

But I also am not extremely close friends with people who could not handle the generalities of my life. I'm not close to people I need to hide from, and I keep people who could/would expose things about me at arm's length normally.

 

[SpectreT]

It's not something I hide, but it's not something I shout from the rooftops, either. If someone asks me, point blank, I'm not going to deny it. (Probably blush brighter and redder than a stoplight, though...)

Not like I'm in a relationship at the moment anyway, so I've got nothing but desires to be open about, and I prefer to save that info for the person I'm interested in.

 

[DomRick]

I do not publicly flaunt my D/s relationship, but my submissive does wear my collar, both in private and in public. For public, it's a very feminine leather collar with a small, appropriate D ring. For those in the know, it's very obvious, for many others, it's just a cool choker. I like my privacy and we only share our strict desires amongst ourselves or close, involved friends. Makes life easier that way.

 

[CutieMouse]

"CutieMouse:"
" Mentioning a Lover in passing, or acknowledging that I am/was in a relationship is one thing; discussing our intimate moments, another."

That's a valid personal decision but it's not for me.

While I'm reserved in general, I think discussing one's sexuality with one's friends is good. My friend E called me up the other day and we commiserated on how badly we wanted to get laid, how grateful we were for vibrators, and the difficulty of getting off through 'just sex.' She has no problem telling me her thoughts on blowjobs and I have no problem telling her my thoughts on bootlicking.

I think it’s a poor refection on one's life and modern society in general that the majority of people are more comfortable discussing their sexuality and sexual interests with strangers online than they are with people they're close to in real life.

I try very hard to pay attention to what clues I may give aquaintences about my private life- people who know where I live, and where I work, but not a hell of a lot else, don't need to know about my sex life. Those are the sorts of people to whom I might mention a Lover in passing, but nothing deeper.

I am very slightly more open with my dearest friend, than I am here at Lit, but it's safe to be open with her, since we were once Lovers, and she understands me. I know a hell of a lot more about her sex life these days, than she does mine, but when I read a personals ad that said XYZ is off limits, she's the first one I turned to saying "Well if XYZ is off limits, what's left to do that is FUN?" *laughing*

I will sometimes have quiet one on one conversations with people through IM/PM, but even then I try to stay mindful of what I choose to share... sometimes not very successfully. I'm far more quiet about myself these days, than I used to be.

 

[Kailey_86]

I think that I will be keeping my personal life personal. I always thought of it that way anyway. I haven't been in a D/s relationship and I guess I fear what I might be asked to do in public that would be embarassing, humiliating, or revealing. I am shy and I worry what people think of me even though I know I shouldn't. Even so, I look forward to having someone who can push me to do this. I guess that it wouldn't matter anyway if I will never see those people again. Maybe I worry too much.

What do you do when guests come over though? What do you do when you, as a couple, are the guests? Are submissives still treated like submissives? It would be so much easier to have friends who had the same lifestyle. I guess after a while I would develop those friendships. Only time will tell.

 

[CutieMouse]

I think that I will be keeping my personal life personal. I always thought of it that way anyway. I haven't been in a D/s relationship and I guess I fear what I might be asked to do in public that would be embarassing, humiliating, or revealing. I am shy and I worry what people think of me even though I know I shouldn't. Even so, I look forward to having someone who can push me to do this. I guess that it wouldn't matter anyway if I will never see those people again. Maybe I worry too much.

What do you do when guests come over though? What do you do when you, as a couple, are the guests? Are submissives still treated like submissives? It would be so much easier to have friends who had the same lifestyle. I guess after a while I would develop those friendships. Only time will tell.

Some people are exhibitionistic, some aren't. *shrug* There are ways to be humiliated or embarassed in public, without the public knowing. IMO, pushing boundaries that force the public to be witness to your kink, without their consent, isn't very cool.

As for guests being around- what are you envisioning daily life in a BDSM relationship to be like? I'm having a disconnect over "still treated like a submissive" when guests are around... could you explain what that means to you?

 

[Kailey_86]

CutieMouse:
"As for guests being around- what are you envisioning daily life in a BDSM relationship to be like? I'm having a disconnect over "still treated like a submissive" when guests are around... could you explain what that means to you?"

I'm trying to get a handle on BDSM and D/s. I don't really know what daily life is like in a BDSM relationship. I am hoping to gain more knowledge by asking questions. Maybe what I picture for that kind of a relationship is not correct. I guess I see it literally like a master/slave relationship plus love and affection. Meaning that you are under your master's hand at all times and you are to serve him at all times. I really don't know though. Like I said, I'm still learning. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about the lifestyle. I've heard people talk about taking the D/s relationship to the extreme in every aspect of life (beyond the bedroom/playroom) but I've also heard about people only having this relationship in a sexual manner. So I guess I was directing my question to those who take it to the extreme.

 

[CutieMouse]

CutieMouse:
"As for guests being around- what are you envisioning daily life in a BDSM relationship to be like? I'm having a disconnect over "still treated like a submissive" when guests are around... could you explain what that means to you?"

I'm trying to get a handle on BDSM and D/s. I don't really know what daily life is like in a BDSM relationship. I am hoping to gain more knowledge by asking questions. Maybe what I picture for that kind of a relationship is not correct. I guess I see it literally like a master/slave relationship plus love and affection. Meaning that you are under your master's hand at all times and you are to serve him at all times. I really don't know though. Like I said, I'm still learning. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about the lifestyle. I've heard people talk about taking the D/s relationship to the extreme in every aspect of life (beyond the bedroom/playroom) but I've also heard about people only having this relationship in a sexual manner. So I guess I was directing my question to those who take it to the extreme.

Ah. I understand that. When I first thought of having a 24/7 relationship, I had visions of things always being obvious... like sitting at someone's feet, ankle chained to a ring in the floor, while they worked at their desk or something. That might be fun, occasionally, but it would make things like getting up to make him an espresso, kind of complicated an annoying.

Two receint threads about 24/7:

link

link

 

[Kailey_86]

Thanks CutieMouse for the links. They were very helpful. I'm learning a lot from you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks CutieMouse for the links. They were very helpful. I'm learning a lot from you.

Pfft. There are a lot more knowledgeable people here than me... you just caught me when I'm in a mood to avoid working. *laughing*

 

[the captians wench]

for me, it depends on the person and how much they wish to know. I'm very open about myself, too much so I think some times. My mom knows everything, from my Sir across the sea, to my friends who regularly carry out tortures that he can not, to my pic thread. She's even looked at collars with me before and gave her opinion on them. My dad and most of the rest of my family know that my love is a long distance thing, tho not all know how long distance and many don't know I met him online (let alone here *giggles*). Because i wear my collar all the time, my "non-lifestyle" friends know some things but not every detail, just as most of the people I work with (tho a lot of that has to due with the fact that my cousin lived with me and worked with me and didn't aprove of my choices so spread a lot of nasty rumors about me that are still floating around even tho he's not in either place any more). One kid had a discovery when he read my tag (if found please return to Ireland) when I went in on my off time. I think he knows a lot more than he leads on because he made the comment "I didn't know it ment something I thought the collar was just a fashion statement". But I don't talk too much to the minors about that sort of thing. If some one asks me something I answer just that question, no more no less. Once they are satisfied, I see no reason to give them information. Those who are either curious about things, or have tried them continue to ask. Those who are more "nilla" don't.

 

[O'Mac]

It's not something I hide, but it's not something I shout from the rooftops, either. If someone asks me, point blank, I'm not going to deny it. (Probably blush brighter and redder than a stoplight, though...)

Yeah, I'm pretty much the same way. I talk about with friends and whatnot, but I don't go out of my way for everyone to know what sort of kinks I'm into. I don't really care about the particulars of other people's sex lives and I figure theyt general don't want to hear about mine. Like I said though, my friends know and are cool with it, though I haven't had any of them ask me about details.

 

[A Desert Rose]

We just saw a thread like this not too long ago. If I were AA or RJ, I could find it but I'm not that interested in doing so. There was a really good post in that thread, though.

Who cares about my sex life? Whether I was vanilla or fruitcake, (and go ahead if you want to, I know some of you would like to jump on that) makes no difference to anyone. Who cares about anyone's sex life? Why is it even a topic for conversation?

What goes on in my bedroom, is my business. I don't discuss that type of thing.

 

[NemoAlia]

. . . .I worry that if I told anyone I would be isolated. My family and friends would flip out if they found out what I liked. . . .

Yeah, my mom has always known my tendencies. And over the years, the more I act on them, the more disappointed and worried she is. It's rough, constantly to upset my mother, but I'd rather she know than not. At least, I think I'd rather...

Anyway, she's scared of a few specific things:

1. That I choose a path of submission either because I am mentally ill (which would worry any parent) or because I am too lazy to take my own potential in hand and ride it hard.

2. That I might be physically harmed. (For example, just the other day she called and said, "You know what the doctor asked before my last mammogram? 'Have your breasts been bruised in the last year?' You're taking care of your health, right?")

3. That I met get used in a bad way. She says she has nightmares of my having children and leaving them in front of the television in their own snot while some stranger is whipping me in the bedroom.

FYI, I do take very careful care of some aspects of my health. But life is too short to try to avoid getting bruised in play.

 

[SpectreT]

Variation on a theme:

Concern about who to be "out" to is common to every single person who's ever had a sexual desire that doesn't fit the public perception of what's "mainstream" sexuality. Gay, Bisexual, Kinky, these are all things people struggle with. Ultimately, it's a decision only you can make for yourself, how much people know about your sexuality. It's not a decision to just hand over to someone else, either. You can negotiate about what's public, after all.

Being kinky doesn't mean you have a big flashing neon sign reading "BDSMer" pointing to you. It doesn't mean being walked around the mall by your SO while wearing a leash, or getting a bare-ass spanking on the front lawn. It doesn't necessarily mean wearing a collar that says "slave" on it in huge letters everywhere you go.

You could break it down into "need to know" categories. And by strictest definition of "need", that boils down to you, your SO, and your doctor. (Welts and bruises being found during a physical can lead to police involvement for domestic abuse; in some jurisdictions, doctors are required to report this sort of thing.)

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, my mom has always known my tendencies. And over the years, the more I act on them, the more disappointed and worried she is. It's rough, constantly to upset my mother, but I'd rather she know than not. At least, I think I'd rather...

Anyway, she's scared of a few specific things:

1. That I choose a path of submission either because I am mentally ill (which would worry any parent) or because I am too lazy to take my own potential in hand and ride it hard.

2. That I might be physically harmed. (For example, just the other day she called and said, "You know what the doctor asked before my last mammogram? 'Have your breasts been bruised in the last year?' You're taking care of your health, right?")

3. That I met get used in a bad way. She says she has nightmares of my having children and leaving them in front of the television in their own snot while some stranger is whipping me in the bedroom.

FYI, I do take very careful care of some aspects of my health. But life is too short to try to avoid getting bruised in play.

From my experience, and having been very flexible and switchy and bottomy when I began and always being open with mom --

it is MUCH MUCH harder for mom to handle her baby's ass being whacked by anyone other than her than it is for her to handle baby likes to spank her man. I also found this kind of worry very hard to argue with.

 

[Shankara20]

Do you keep it a secret?

My adult children know everythink as do most of my close friends. Many others know I like men, but don't know about the BDSM. I make jokes that BDSM and will tell if asked.