Internal dialog in a story?

[Bramblethorn]

These are useful examples. I agree with you about the use of italics versus quotation marks, because it would be confusing to use quotation marks for actual dialogue AND internal unspoken dialogue in close proximity.

Not that there's a right way to do it, but here's how I would rewrite the relevant second line of your first excerpt:


I wanted to say this was less than we agreed on. It was supposed to be until she had finished her doctorate, but we'd been on hiatus since August. I wanted to say it but didn't.

As you say, it's highly subjective and personal. I wouldn't blink if I encountered that in somebody else's story, but it wouldn't have felt right for me in this one for reasons to do with the character and the story I was telling.

Minor digression - Cat Valente's "Space Opera" has a race called the Keshet, who exist in multiple timelines so they're simultaneously exploring all the different ways things can turn out. That bleeds through into how they talk, trying out several variations of how they might say something:

"Whoooooa waitwaitstopwait are you not Yoko Ono? Whatwhathowwhat the fuck, Al? I gave you a picture of her and everything! Do all primates still look the samesameidenticalsame to you? ... Nononoyesyesno, I love it... it was excellentgreatexcellentallright."

Talking while autistic can be a bit like that sometimes - we can spend a lot of energy running through different possible conversation paths, trying to figure out which one is least likely to blow up in our faces. Should I call something "excellent" or "great" or "all right"? Is one of them going to offend somebody I didn't mean to offend. I wanted to convey that Sarah (autistic PoV character) has those exact sentences scripted in her head, ready for use, not merely wanting to say something along those lines.

For 99% of readers I expect that's such a fine point as to be invisible, but even if they don't get anything from that choice directly, it helps me write that scene.

Looking back on my stories here, there are other occasions where I used italics for inner monologue where I don't think they were necessary, and if I was rewriting those stories I might skip the italics. But for things like the above example I'd still use it.

 

[yukonnights]

I usually include a good bit of interior dialogue/thoughts in my stories; Here's a very small sample from the story I've just finished & submitted;

After a portion of the wife's commonly "quoted conversation blah, blah ....";

The following paragraph is posted below reflecting the husband's thoughts , followed by a bit of his dialogue.

I ponder her suggestion — I've never even considered swapping partners for sex but it is an idea that could relieve all of this boredom. "Well, it's not something I've ever thought much about — but I know it's not an uncommon thing. Did you find a couple with a bi-wife? I know you miss that part of you're sexual desires."

To my eye, that reads very seamlessly and is easy to understand / follow.

 

[PtmcPilot]

I've used two methods to indicate internal dialogue.
'Real smooth one there,' I thought.
Real smooth one there, I thought.
While either works for me as I am consistent in the use of double "quotes" for spoken dialogue, the inconsistent use across Lit means the italics is a better choice.

 

[MissNikkiDomGurl]

I prefer to mix it in with narrative rather than have distinct moments of internal dialogue (although I will still sometimes do that anyway). The fancy term for that being 'free indirect discourse', where the writing itself (descriptions, actions, so on) is all kind of imbued with the perspective of the character we are following in that moment.

The difference being:



But a FID version would be more like:



The danger here is that you have to be consistent throughout and really make sure that the voice belongs to Jodie and doesn't feel like the author looming in and describing things over the top. But for me, I prefer the way it flows. One isn't better than the other, I don't think, but it's a tool in the arsenal.

A good point. I like them both but youre right- its often tough to intermix them and not make a mess of it...!!!

 

[sweetdreamssss]

The stories I wrote in first person have a lot of internal dialogue so much that they look they are breaking the fourth wall...
Lot of readers appreciated the humor associated with those dialogues which made it funny to read

 

[KeithD]

I've used two methods to indicate internal dialogue.
'Real smooth one there,' I thought.
Real smooth one there, I thought.
While either works for me as I am consistent in the use of double "quotes" for spoken dialogue, the inconsistent use across Lit means the italics is a better choice.

Presume you are writing British style? In American style, the first level of quotes is ALWAYS double. Often it's the opposite in British style (Chicago Manual of Style 16, 13.28)